Listen to IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! by Angela Appleby #np on #SoundCloud
That is the link to my Podcast. If you want to read it that is below!
HI my name is Angela and I am an enigma! I say this not because I am full of myself because I’m not I say this on the sheer basis of my past and things I had to overcome. In relationships, religion, abuse, and many others. Which I think makes me uniquely qualified for this type of podcast. I only ever want to help people and growing up in an abusive home has helped pave the way for that.
Let me tell you a bit about myself. I grew up poor in a depressed area in a small town in Arkansas and you can save the jokes cause I’ve heard em all! Moving on, I grew up with an abusive mother I was always trying to win her approval, which I never got. I was a straight A student my mother wouldn’t have it any other way, and a sexually abusive stepfather! I was raised in a Pentecostal Church and told I was going to hell for one reason or another on a daily basis. Funny, since both my abusive parents thought they were doing God’s work. So it is safe to say when I left home I was thoroughly confused and now had a skewed perception of God and Church.
After graduation I ran far and fast from my hometown and straight into the arms of a man that would change my world forever! What started out as a great relationship quickly became a nightmare and before I could run it was to late. I found myself 19, pregnant, and living thousands of miles from anyone and everyone I ever knew. The man of my dreams had become the male abusive, ridiculing version of my mother. I was never going to amount to anything. I was never going to be anyone. Then the oddest thing happened even after moving several states away and not giving anyone my address. God found me again, or rather I found him again. Which incidentally as I look back on that moment I now realize that was the moment that began a new more spiritual journey for me. At the time I needed God the most, he was there. I knew what I needed to do for my unborn child at that moment.
The day my daughter was born she saved me. I knew in her first moments of life the answer to the question that had haunted me for years. I could never be my mother! The time my daughter and I spent together was all to brief as I had made the decision to give her up for adoption. The love I instantly felt for her had the mother lion in me coming out and my only thoughts in making the choice I did was to give her what I never had and to keep her safe. I spent the next couple of years hating myself and everyone around me for that choice. Yet, almost 23 years later I know I still made the right one. Walking away from her all those years ago was the bravest I have ever been. It was the hardest and most heartbreaking choice I have ever made to date.
Nowadays my life looks a little different than it did so long ago. I am happily married almost 18 years now! We have 2 sons and I even have a relationship with my daughter who incidentally has also made me a grandmother recently! To say I am blessed is an understatement. Yet, through it all I still felt as if something was missing.
I realized about 4 years ago that I was so busy catering to everyone else all the time I lost myself somewhere in the shuffle and so began my long held dream of becoming a writer. It is not just a passion it is an obsession. It is the thing I know deep down with every fiber of my being I was meant to be. I have known since the age of 5 but growing up the way I did I was to afraid to pursue it. However, one Friday night while relaxing and taking in all the summer night had to offer I was asked the question that nearly vibrated through my body like a gong ringing. I was asked, “what are you waiting for?” This question was the question I had been asking myself for years. Yet, this night it hit me like a ton of bricks. What was I waiting for? So began my journey to find one of the first things to bring me peace in so long. Writing.
I now have a blog it is almost my 4 year anniversary of doing so and I also have a couple of books on Amazon I self- published. Still working out how to actually sell it but I know eventually I will get there. The great part about this journey is that I realized I have a voice, and I am no longer afraid to use it. For so long it was as if my voice my opinions didn’t matter and after a while I was convinced it didn’t but today, today is a new day. I have found the power in my words and I am not giving it back for anyone.
Only one thing left on my checklist in life. My relationship with God. I will admit it has been tumultuous at times but I know in the end he is there. I have vigorously begun a spiritual journey as of last June and so far my eyes have been opened to untold possibilities. As I continue this journey I am sure I will share with all of you but that is a story for another time.
I was told recently that I am not educated enough to start a podcast. However, I feel, no I know my wisdom and experiences make me educated enough to do this. I want to GET REAL! With all of you. I want to have the conversations everyone is too afraid to talk about. In this day and age where everyone puts their business on social media. Why can’t I? If it helps someone out there? I think it would be a travesty to not give my thoughts and opinions.
I am a mother, a daughter, a wife, a grandmother, a friend but I am also a Writer, a Medium in training, a Spiritual Explorer. I am an enigma. I am a contradiction to everything and everyone I knew growing up. This Podcast will be a catch-all if you will for any and everything. If you have any ideas or topics we can discuss feel free to leave a comment. I want this to be a safe space to anyone that needs advice. It’s time we GET REAL!
So this is Podcast number one. The real meaning of love. Or it’s my birthday!
I was on social media the other day and I kind of sort of got a little angry at a post I saw. Now before I get into the whole post I want to tell you I have a long held belief that progress is not always a good thing. Just because we can use it doesn’t mean we should use it. Same goes with individuals and social media. Some people should not have access to social media. We have become a society that feeds off of social media. We have become a society of people that can’t solve their own issues by themselves they have to seek any validation they can from social media, from perfect strangers at that. We hace become tht society where we let every tom, d8ck , and ax murderer into the most private moments of our lives all by way of social media. And this has become ACCEPTABLE. I gotta ask the question, Why? Before you say anything. Think about how many millions of people there are in the world and think about the sheer number of posts you have seen that are extremely personal. Unless you are in a specific group some things just shouldn’t be shared with the world. There are way too many predators out there that can see you as an easy target. Besides it almost seems like some people only post the most intimate details of their lives to get attention. Makes me think of the old adage any attention is good attention. Not true. Negative attention can affect you in ways that can impact you for years. Speaking from experience here.
So, back to the post I saw. It was of a young girl who’s birthday was that day. Her boyfriend of 5 years broke up with her out of the blue the day before. They had been engaged for over a month. Weird right. No rhyme or reason she was just dumped. She cried and said she couldn’t stay at her house so she packed a bag and told him she was going to her mom’s for a few days. As she was headed out the door he grabbed her and told her he loved her and to make sure she came back the next day he had a surprise for her. Really? After he just broke up with her! Makes absolutely no sense at all. The reason she posted this was she had a dream the week before he was seeing someone else and wanted advice on if she should go back over to the house to see him or not on her birthday. The very day after he broke up with her. Really?
Sometimes I feel as if there is no end to the madness. It just keeps going and going and going. Now I have to say I don’t know the details of this relationship the ins and outs of their daily lives together did he abuse her? Is he a cheater? Did she abuse him? Did she cheat? I don’t know but let’s GET REAL for a moment. Any man that breaks up with you for no reason the day before your birthday. After you have been together 5 years and are engaged! Is an Asshole! Let me say that again, just in case you didn’t hear me. Any man that breaks up with you for no reason on your birthday IS AN ASSHOLE! A huge dick move on his part. After being together 5 years and engaged to boot you deserve some kind of explanation. Any MAN, not a boy playing house would know this. A man that at any point in your 5 year relationship, if he ever loved you would provide you with an explanation.
Secondly, why let some guy twist you up in knots and turn you inside out stealing your power? Because honey believe me, that is not love!
In this day and age we have a skewed perception of what love is. Let, me set the record straight. Love, is pure! We have become a society where we slap a label on just about everything and call it love. It doesn’t help that there are songs out there like “LOVE HURTS”. Untrue, love doesn’t hurt, love is pure, love is honest, love is kind. In relationships we tend to see the bad and the good as love. Either because we are so in love with the idea of love that we can’t see past all the flaws in our partner or and I too have been guilty of this we simply don’t want to be alone. It is in our nature to find someone worth spending time with but I ask this with the utmost, sincerity at what cost?
Our standards get lower and lower because we can’t see that our partner really doesn’t love us and we all deserve that forever kind of love. That line we draw in the sand in the beginning of what is acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship gets pushed back further and further until you can’t even see the line anymore and your only response to all the hardships in your relationship is, “At least he still loves me!” I have to ask the question you should be asking yourself at this point, “does he really?”
I have been in both kinds of relationships the kind that seems like love in the beginning but turns out to be a nightmare in disguise. The kind of love that will eventually kill you. The kind of love that tears you up, twists you into knots, the kind of love that destroys your soul and breaks your heart into a thousand pieces. The kind of love that changes you forever and eventually you can’t even recognize yourself in the mirror anymore. If you find yourself in this situation… RUN! Because that is not love. Then there is that great love. The love that unlike in the movies or storybooks because let’s face it those don’t exist. All relationships take work and a mutual understanding of one another. Yet, this kind of love is accepting of who and what you are. Your partner would walk through fire before they hurt you emotionally, physically, mentally. You can just be yourself and not try to change yourself to fit their needs and they wouldn’t want you to because and here is the big one we tend to forget. If we change for them then we become someone they don’t know someone other than the person they fell in love with! And vice versa.
I will say it once again because I think it bears repeating. Love is pure, love is accepting, love cuts through the bullshit and just is. Think about it this way for those of you that have children. You, know that instant unconditional love you feel the moment your child is born. That kind of love needs to be carried over to any relationship. If only we could harness it somehow. Love doesn’t come with conditions. If it does… IT’S NOT LOVE!
Going back to our scenario here. I can’t tell this young lady what to do here in this situation. However, I can tell her to create a checklist meaning take a step back from the situation. Really look at the relationship. Does he pick fights with you for no reason and then somehow it’s your fault? Does he treat you with respect at all times? Do you feel taken advantage of most of the time? Has he ever been verbally, or physically abusive? If any one of these answers are no. Then If it were me I would seriously consider if the relationship is worth it. Especially the last one. No one deserves to be abused. Remember love doesn’t come with a fist to the face.
Most of us are searching for someone to love us so badly that we forget the number one person who we should be showing love to, ourselves. Which should be priority number one. How can you expect someone else to love you if you don’t love yourself. Self-care, is a part of this. You can be in a loving lasting relationship without losing yourself. Maybe this young lady should just take a breath and take care of her for a while. Especially on her birthday!
Why don’t we all take time for some self-love today. Do something, anything that brings a smile to your face and joy to your soul. Sending you all peace, love and light. Until next time when we GET REAL!