IINDEPENDENCE DAY

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Well, today is the day! The one day a year we all come together and celebrate our Independence! Yes, that’s right it is the FOURTH OF JULY! Where no matter where you are in this country, no matter how illegal it is you are going to shoot off fireworks! The day no matter what race, religion, sexual preference we all come together to blow shit up!

However, I always think of the song “INDEPENDENCE DAY” BY MARTINA MCBRIDE!

It is a country song, yet the words, the words are powerful! It tells the story of a woman that was beaten and battered for years that finally won her Independence by setting the house on fire with her husband in it! She may have gone to jail for her actions yet she did it with a smile on her face and protected her daughter in the process. She won her freedom that day the only way she knew how! This song simultaneously makes me makes me cry and gives me a sense of peace!

This song came out in 1993! It came to me at a time in my life where I thought I would never find my Independence! I was 16 and with nowhere to go living under a tyrannical abusive parent that I was sure would kill me before I was 18 and able to leave home. This song gave me hope for a future I had yet to see! A future I hoped and prayed would come sooner rather than later! Independence means something far greater to me than The fourth of July!

At eighteen I left and never looked back! I even said I would never come back no one believed me! Everyone in the small town I am from thought, that I would come running back in a few weeks or months with my tail tucked between my legs a miserable failure!

I never did! Yes, I stumbled along the way and I have been through a lot of educational experiences! Yet, what I found was breathtaking… I found me. I found the strength to carry on and  celebrate my own Independence Day… every day!

Every day that I don’t compromise who and what I am for someone else’s gain, every day that I don’t give in to others despite my reservations, every day that I love and cherish my kids, every day that I don’t raise my hands in anger, every day that I don’t make someone else feel like nothing for my gain that is my Independence day!

I feel for those still struggling and I hope and pray they find their way to their own Independence day minus the fire of course! Yes, we are celebrating out countries Independence from the British today but if you have found your own personal Independence you know as well as I do that it is a daily celebration! To be able to be free to be who you are with no persecution and criticism! To  live life happy that is the dream and that is my Independence Day!

What’s yours?

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WORDS

I still remember my first love as if it were yesterday. Believe it or not my first love is…WORDS!

I fell hard and fast for the way each letter fit together so, so perfectly.

Being my only form of communication in a world gone mad. The words were there when no one was.

I have experienced the brutality and lasting effects words have. I have also experienced the joy and wonder, just the right word can bring to your soul.

Words are powerful all by themselves, put a melody with them however, it’s considered a song. (Melody is just words in music form you know.)

They come to me in my dreams but only hold meaning when I utter them in the dark.

Words have been known to create epic poetry to rewrite history, to be cruel and biting, false and unbearable.

They are what makes us human, they are the foundation of any civilization. They can bring down an empire with a just a stroke of a pen.

They can be used and twisted to hurt someone with a single chant, or they can bring someone back from the brink of death.

Without bad words there would be no good words. They are the yin and yang of one another.

I write them because they haunt me, they call to me on a whisper in the wind. I write them because… I must.

Choose your words carefully. Who knows whose life you might change with just the right word!

I KNOW

You say your fine, you say your alright, but I know your broken inside.

You sit there with a smile upon your face in your silent grace but I know your screaming inside.

Your outward appearance to the world is full of beauty and life, but I know your dying inside.

You pretend your heart is whole and full of love but I know your shattered inside.

You speek words happiness in this stationary existence youv’e created for yourself but I know you long for freedom inside.

I am you and you are me, you can run and hide but you can’t hide from yourself, because I know your broken inside.

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE 2

I am almost 42 and I gotta say fear has been a common occurrence in my life. Coupled with the awful upbringing and my own nature I, to be honest with myself have been terrified of well, everything!

I would always say that my only fear is snakes but deep down. I have been afraid of life itself and all its possibilities. I am afraid to do anything in public, such as dancing, singing, or even reading (that last one though I have worked hard to overcome). I am afraid to try new things, so I have missed out on what I am sure were epic unforgettable moments. Then there is the big one, the fear of being myself.

For so long I acted exactly how everyone wanted me to. I would say I was complacent because I didn’t like confrontation, but the real truth is  I didn’t want to voice my opinion on the off chance that I was wrong.  I was so afraid of losing the man I love, or what little friends I had to fully explore the, me that is real. The bigger concern is I was so busy trying to please everyone I never took the time to get to know me and to be honest I was terrified of finding out.

As we all have a dark side, I have seen my dark side on rare occasions but I repressed that part of me and buried her deep, deep down but she is always there, always lurking, always fighting for a chance to be free. Yet, that is where the part of me that fights her own battles, the part of me that doesn’t sit complacently by and let people take advantage, the part of me that is braver, reside. That part of me is the Yin to my Yang, and I have been trying to slowly connect those two parts of myself over the last few weeks but I know there is something broken there. A piece of me still missing, that would bridge the gap and make me whole.

Still filled with fear over exploring this missing link I am working hard to overcome it because I  if only for a moment have felt what its like to be whole. To have all the jagged pieces of myself come together like a puzzle and see the big picture.

The very first time I meditated after it was revealed to me that I was a medium was the next day. It was a Sunday with not a cloud in the sky, a warm summer day not to hot not to cold. Not knowing how to go about doing this I researched several videos on youtube (it has everything). I sat in my favorite chaise lounge in the yard surrounded by nature, I put on some tranquil music and began breathing ( that is what meditation is all about you know, the breathing) I began breathing deeper and deeper letting my mind go blank and the weight of the world just kind of slip off my shoulders and out of my body.

I visualized breathing in white light and cool air and breathing out the negativity that has plagued me for so long. I began to feel the cool air I was sucking in and see behind my closed lids this white pure energy going into my nose and spreading throughout my body. I could see every time I breathed the negative out it came out of my mouth in a swirling cloud of black and grey smoke. This in, an of itself was quite the experience.

Then something strange happened. The sun felt as if it actually moved from its spot behind the shade of the tree as if to shine on me my own little spotlight if you will, a breeze that wasn’t there before suddenly cooled my face and I was filled to the brim with the most extraordinary sense of peace, love, and actual joy. I was in the moment with all of me whole for the first time in my life.

Don’t get me wrong I have had moments in my life of all of these things, the birth of my children, my wedding day, even more recently I got to go back to a job I actually like, but never in the whole of my life have I experienced them all together. For the very first time I was whole, all the pieces that make, up, who and what I am down to the very core of me were present. It was an indescribable moment. In this moment fear was gone and even my soul was at peace.

I basked in the glory of the moment for what felt like an eternity as even time had seemed to stop. Just as I was getting used to this moment once again something changed. The atmospheric pressure seemed to change energy and suddenly I felt someone or something there. A presence just to my left about four feet away. I opened my eyes for the first time since beginning to meditate fully expecting someone to be standing there I didn’t physically see them but knew with absolute certainty they were there.

I thought to myself “don’t be afraid.” I thought this twice and the third time I whispered, “don’t be afraid.” The moment it slipped out of my mouth this presence moved and was now standing right next to me. I could even feel the heat from his energy on my bare arm. I looked down to the ground right there next to me and a flash of blue-white light I have ever seen crossed my mind. I also saw wings just the tips but there were like glass, and also the same blue-white as the angel himself. I knew it was a masculine energy and I knew he was everything that was light and love. Then I saw more than heard the words, ” I have been with you the whole time you are just now seeing for the first time” flash in my mind. Then another flash came to me and I saw a string connected from my side to his side a white tether. That even though looked rather flimsy I knew was unbreakable.

Tears flooded my eyes and I knew I would never feel alone again. I thought to myself “what will happen next.” So I closed my eyes and began meditating again. With my hands outstretched on the lounge chair, I began to get in that moment again. Where the world falls away and it is just me. The sun seemed to move from behind the shade of the branches once again and the cool breeze that never existed washed over my face.

This time I felt as if someone brushed my hand with the back of theirs on my right and as I chanted once again “don’t be afraid I raised my hand and turned it over palm up. I didn’t feel a presence but I knew someone had touched me. The second I lifted my hand up as if in invitation they grabbed my hand and held it in a firm grip as if to never let go. The second they did this I knew again with an absolute certainty it was my grandmother. I opened my eyes and looked down at my hand gripped in the thin air and was flooded with memories of her. A woman that passed away when I was 19! Was standing there I couldn’t see her but I knew she too was always by my side.

With all the negative experiences I have had in my life I knew the moment I  really tried to awaken that part of myself had to be a good one. It was as if they were welcoming me to the other side in a way that made me realize the physic lady I went to a few weeks ago was right. As long as I think positive and breathe out the negative the experiences I would have would be positive. They were there to let me know as alone as I have felt in my darkest hours I have never truly been alone.

This has been the missing piece of myself that is bridging the gap between me and the darkness that lurks within me. It is the piece of myself that I have let lie dormant for so long that it is going to take time to coax it out. However, the taste of peace and love and joy I have had are all worth well, everything. I have begun meditating regularly and there has been other stuff happened which I will reveal later but just know we are all on the path to enlightenment we just have to want it more than the fear of the unknown that plagues us all…

TO BE CONTINUED…

BLOODY NIGHTMARE

The blood poured down the walls like rain.

I keep seeing this over and over as if a nightmare I can’t seem to wake from.

Is it a memory? Or have I finally gone insane?

I shake myself out of the scattered memories of my mind once again.

I was there, she was there. But in my sanest moments it’s as if neither of us were ever there.

A chill washes down my spine. Why oh why am I thinking of this now.

What significance does it hold in my life after all these years.

I feel it is just there at the edges of my mind. Just waiting for it to make sense of it all.

Until then, I guess I will just have to cope with this bloody dream, this… Bloody nightmare.

RELIGION AND POLITICS

Something strange happened to me on the way to work this morning. I got up began my routine just like every other morning.

After I packed my lunch, got dressed, and had 10 blessed minutes to myself. I went on Facebook. I keep seeing this one post on there about Trump and usually I just ignore it but today something drew me to it and so I listened. I then posted my own comment. See pic below:

Then went on about my day. Yet, the moment I stepped outside I knew something was different.

Now I’m not one to speak my beliefs to often on Politics or Religion but something was different today. I went to my local gas station for my usual drink and breakfast sandwich when I noticed everyone around me. As if in a movie everything slowed down and became kind of hazy as I probably for the first time in my life really looked at those around me.

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE PART 1

Okay So here goes nothing. I have never held much stock in the paranormal, supernatural, psychic, or anything else the world would deem weird and unusual. Despite these sort of things continuously happening to me.

Being raised in a home where abuse was a common occurrence. I always chalked it up to my environment and letting my imagination run wild. I would talk myself out of what I saw, what I felt, what I touched.

Add to the fact that I was raised Pentecostal. I knew from an early age these things were bad or “evil”. I didn’t need the added stress as according to my mother everything I did, I was going to hell for anyway.

I spent so much of my time fearing the unknown, fearing the dreams I had that always came true, fearing the strong feelings I had about something or someone that came to fruition. I never stopped to ask the question… Why was this happening to me?

I let fear win out so many times and as such, I have learned recently that like attracts like and so the more negativity that surrounded me the more I attracted. Growing up with so much pain and negativity, of course, I have only ever had negative experiences with the “paranormal”. I have always been a glass is half empty kind of girl. So the odds have been against me from day one.

You may not believe me but I have had experiences that can not be explained. Yet, between the background and the whole religious aspect of it all, I have been terrified to find out the truth.

and the truth is…it is a part of me.

I woke up a few weeks ago voracious for information on telepathy, esp, being an empath, the works. Then I somehow found myself in a bookstore I have been wanting to go to for over a year in a part of town I never go and as fate would have it, it was right across the street from a psychic.

Being brave for the first time in my life I fought the instinct that has been hammered into me for the whole of my life to run and went in. I even got reading done. Going into this mind you with the mindset that this was all a waste of time I was shocked to my core when she revealed things about me that only I knew. Only I felt.

I knew there was a part of me that always seemed to be missing a part of me that I couldn’t quite figure out. Which always made me feel empty and that there was a void in the vastness of my soul. She revealed the answer to me that in retrospect I knew all along. She said that I was an emotional and physical empath, not just an empath that I was a full-blown medium. It was and is a part of who I am and as long as I continue to reject that part of myself. I would never be a whole person.

She told me that she could see why I would attract such negative energies to me considering my painful past and this is what floored me one look in her eyes after she spoke these things was as if she could see into the very depths of my past. Within a blink of an eye, she knew it all. At that moment I knew what was missing and I was terrified all over again.

After I left her office. I was very drained but as I looked out at the bustling streets it was as if I was seeing everything for the very first time. It was as if I had been walking around in my very own black and white movie and now there was COLOR!

Colors I had never seen before everything was sharper more vivid as if I had finally woken from a long dream that never made sense until now. Yet, in the back of my mind, a new fear was taking shape that because I had closed that part of me off for so long would I ever get it back again? I have been taking steps to open that part of me up again to find my “third eye” if you will, and it so far has been magical. Fear be damned. It’s not about being able to talk to the dead, or knowing when something is going to happen anymore. It is about being my true self, whatever that may mean. I have already had a couple of great experiences while learning to meditate, and suddenly I feel like an addict who needs another hit.

I never expected the sheer peace and joy and happiness that could come with something as simple as meditating if only for a moment. I now feel I am connected to everything the grass, the trees, the sun, the moon, the stars. It is all a part of me and I a part of it. I know some of you out there are thinking “man, she has lost her mind”, but I no longer care what the world thinks it is my spiritual path and no one can take that away from me, and to quote one of my favorite movies, that talked about ghosts, and demons and the like .”You better believe in them because they believe in you.”

However, for those of you that believe any advice would be great. As I am a newbie to all of this I am not quite sure I am doing anything right. Save for the angel that I now know is one of many of my guides that has always been standing just to my left permanently attached to me since the day I was born. With his white-hot energy and his glass tipped wings. I know I must have done something right in that first meditation.

There is more to come as I will be sharing each of my experiences with you all. All I can say is let the journey begin…

Good night and sweet dreams…

 

Roots

I am saddened that the last remnants of you are being ground to mulch.

Your roots being ripped from the ground by a machine so, impersonal.

I remember when you were full of life and possibilities.

Your tall expanse gave me, shade in the summer.

Your bare branches providing me with a place to hang decorations in the winter.

Years I spent, watching you age not realizing your death was near.

Now here I stand watching as the last pieces of you are laid to rest.

My heart breaks a little as I realize we will never have those little moments again.

The earth is patted down where you once stood tall and proud.

I can’t help but wonder, what I can plant there so it doesn’t look so bare.

Am I betraying your memory? I know that life must go on.

I will carry you with me always, my beautiful broken tree.