IINDEPENDENCE DAY

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Well, today is the day! The one day a year we all come together and celebrate our Independence! Yes, that’s right it is the FOURTH OF JULY! Where no matter where you are in this country, no matter how illegal it is you are going to shoot off fireworks! The day no matter what race, religion, sexual preference we all come together to blow shit up!

However, I always think of the song “INDEPENDENCE DAY” BY MARTINA MCBRIDE!

It is a country song, yet the words, the words are powerful! It tells the story of a woman that was beaten and battered for years that finally won her Independence by setting the house on fire with her husband in it! She may have gone to jail for her actions yet she did it with a smile on her face and protected her daughter in the process. She won her freedom that day the only way she knew how! This song simultaneously makes me makes me cry and gives me a sense of peace!

This song came out in 1993! It came to me at a time in my life where I thought I would never find my Independence! I was 16 and with nowhere to go living under a tyrannical abusive parent that I was sure would kill me before I was 18 and able to leave home. This song gave me hope for a future I had yet to see! A future I hoped and prayed would come sooner rather than later! Independence means something far greater to me than The fourth of July!

At eighteen I left and never looked back! I even said I would never come back no one believed me! Everyone in the small town I am from thought, that I would come running back in a few weeks or months with my tail tucked between my legs a miserable failure!

I never did! Yes, I stumbled along the way and I have been through a lot of educational experiences! Yet, what I found was breathtaking… I found me. I found the strength to carry on and  celebrate my own Independence Day… every day!

Every day that I don’t compromise who and what I am for someone else’s gain, every day that I don’t give in to others despite my reservations, every day that I love and cherish my kids, every day that I don’t raise my hands in anger, every day that I don’t make someone else feel like nothing for my gain that is my Independence day!

I feel for those still struggling and I hope and pray they find their way to their own Independence day minus the fire of course! Yes, we are celebrating out countries Independence from the British today but if you have found your own personal Independence you know as well as I do that it is a daily celebration! To be able to be free to be who you are with no persecution and criticism! To  live life happy that is the dream and that is my Independence Day!

What’s yours?

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Darkness and Madness

As night falls like midnight , I once again walk alone in the darkness.

My mind is empty of all the things I wish I said, when the sun was warming me, filling me up with its light.

But now, here in the cold dark night, no words fill me. My mind is a sea of nothingness. With its vast empty space.

Don’t get me wrong there is the occasional arrant thought. Depressing as it is it flutters out just as quickly as it fluttered in with the speed of dragonfly wings.

Oh how the night beckons me with its wickedness, yet I crave the healing rays of sunshine on my spine. Creeping along my shoulders an old friend welcoming me into his warm embrace.

My days are getting shorter and my nights are getting longer. How long will I have to wait? Before there is no more light.

The darkness is trying to gobble me up mind, body, and soul. Driving me to madness. I fight it when the sun is at its best and it has given me the strength to fight back the blackness of the night.

Yet, the second the sun goes down the darkness is back with a vengeance. Clawing its way into my mind clouding my heart till it turns to stone. I can feel it hardening further with each passing day.

How long till I am just a walking mindless corpse. Writhing in pain only the darkness provides?

I may never know until it happens. In the meantime I guess it’s safe to say that darkness and madness go hand in hand.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! TO ME!

Over the last year. I have published a book. I reunited with my daughter that I gave up for adoption over 20 years ago. I have even embarked on a spiritual journey that so far has yielded unbelievable results.

I don’t look at today my birthday as a day I am getting older anymore. I look at it as a miracle and it makes me realize even more. I HAVE A PURPOSE! I wasn’t supposed to survive my birth. Being born two and a half months early in the 70’s. It was a shock even to the doctors when I began to breathe on my own.

I have suffered the most unimaginable throughtout my life starting with surviving my own birth. Yet, the more I go through the more I realize I got through it not only physically but mentally as well. Why is that? I have asked myself for many many years now.

For fun or mere curiosity when I began my spiritual journey just a couple of months ago I had a phsycic reading had my chart done and everything. What I found blew me away.

Considering my mother’s due date was Thanksgiving and I was actually born September 2. It seemed odd to me how I just kept getting into sitiations not good ones either. Yet, according to my reading I was meant to be born on this day. I was told that the day I was born all the planets were aligned just right and I had the backing of all creation helping me into this world. From the start I helped others discover the miracle of life.

From the start I changed others way of thinking. I was special. Over the past several years. I have began to shift my way of thinking and today it all comes to me in waves of knowing. I am part of something bigger. I am a part of a much bigger and brighter puzzle that I may never fully see all of.

Today is my birthday and though I am not all quite there yet I am starting to see the picture more clearly now. I have something coming in my future that is so beautiful and so magical that I can barely stand it but I know it’s coming.

I was meant to be here. I was meant for something much greater than even I know about yet. It took 42 years but I feel that my soul is finally at peace and I can’t wait to see what the next year holds for me.

APPLES

So I thought it would be cool to do a blog each week on a random word in each letter in the alphabet. So I am starting with APPLES. I don’t know if it is from my learning letters as a kid but A is for Apple keeps running through my head. I am doing it a little differently. I am going to describe each word in as much detail as I can while the story makes sense. So here goes.

Apples are my favorite fruit. The way they hang on the tree branch so delicately yet so strong is surprising. They begin life as a bloom a pretty flower that morphs into something edilbe it is nothing short of a miracle.

They mature in the summer after the honeybees have done their job and the sun is at its best. My breath quickens in anticipation once I see the plump fruit appear nestled so perfectly between the leaves. I wait for the perfect moment. Not to soon mind you and pick the ripest one I can find.

As I pluck the fruit from the branch severing its tie to life. My mouth begins to water. I can already taste the red delicous and the sweetness it promises.

There is such a variety of apples it can make your head spin. There is the red delicous, grannysmith which is a bit too tart for my tastes, the Fuji, the Golden crisp, the Honeycrisp, the list goes on and on. Funny growing up I never knew there were different kinds of apples. All I knew was red and green.

The red delicious are my favorite of the family. After I pluck the ripened fruit I rinse it off with the outdoor hose. Sitting under the tree I picked it from to avoid the heat of the day. I gaze upon the apple with admiration at its perfect simplicity.

I slowly raise it to my mouth savoring the seconds before my teeth sink in and I take a bite with a crisp crunch. The taste ambrosia to my soul as I begin to chew the sweet scent and taste assault my senses. I close my eyes continuing to chew this moment is one of pure bliss.

I swallow the bite along with the juice from my treasured friut that coats my throat in sticky goodness. I quickly take a second bite, taking the experience into my soul. Then another bite and another until there is nothing left but the heart of the apple now dangling from my fingers like a sad appendage.

The apple has sated me for the time being with my belly full. I am a little sad but collect the seeds from whats left and plant them a few feet away from the tree I got it from. This is the circle of life. I say a little prayer for the little seedlings to take root and grow big and strong. Already tasting the rewards I will be reaping from this apples humble beginnings.

Religion

I have been going on a new spiritual journey taking on new ways of thinking and shifting everything I thought I knew and everything I didn’t know. I have had to reevaluate everything! It has only been a couple of months but I feel as if I am onto something monumental. Life changing even.

So I thought I would share a few thoughts with all of you. I can find no better place to start than where my past knowledge all began to unravel and launch me into this current state of mind.

It all began with the word RELIGION! I have been telling people that words only have meaning when we give them power which is true but some words have been around so long just thinking them will have us quaking in our shoes. Like fear, hate, racsism.

They have become the norm and yet, we have given these words so much power that just the thought of them leave us feeling terrified. The word RELIGION is one of those words.

Religion no longer describes a faction of our spiritual awareness. It no longer represents our God, or whomever we pray to. It represents greed, deception, control, it has become the new accepted version of racism, it has become nothing more than a political campaign and yet, people are still willing to kill themselves to hurt others in the name of their “Religion”!

Religion goes back to the beginning of time. Well since man anyway and all it was even then was a way for man (humans) to create control over other humans. Exert their power in a way. It was institutionalized by man not God!

When I first started going to Church it was a Baptist Church and in all honesty I only went to Sunday school for the ice cream they gave us afterwards. I didn’t know anything about God or religion.

Then as my mother decided one day the whole family should go I discovered we were Pentecostal and so we found a Church that was Pentecostal and began going in ernest, at least 3 times a week. Sunday’s were pretty much spent at Church because we had like a four hour Sunday School and then service that night, and if you know anything about Pentecostals you know that services could go on and on and on until they decided it was over.

It was pounded into my head pretty quickly that Pentecosts were the one true religion and the Bible was all you needed in life, you didn’t need to look for any other truths because there were none. For years I ate it up with a spoon looking for anything I could cling to for my own salvation.

As you know Pentecostals are known for speaking in tongues and every single time I someone asked what denomination I was and I told them Pentecostal they gave me a look of disgust and said, ” oh! You are a holy roller!” I never quite understood that. It was around tue age of sixteen that I became confused about well everything. I had been hearing about a merciful God and a kind loving God for so long I began to wonder why a loving God would allow my mother to beat me? I had been brainwashed so well, that I started thinking I had done something to displease God for him to abandon me this way.

It wasn’t until our pastor who we had just found out had two wives was asked to lay hands on me and pray the devil out of me by my mother just becauase I wanted to spend the summer with my dad. That the confusion turned into something else. The fissures in my beliefs turned to full blown cracks and the moment his hands touched my forehead a damn broke inside of me.

I spent the next few years on a hiatus so to speak from God, religion all of it. I gotta tell ya it was the worst years of my life. However, I did find God in my own way because when it comes down to it all religions have one thing in common. A higher power, a higher being, it was man that slapped a label on the divine. It doesn’t matter what you call him.

I was confused after I left home but the divine stepped in and made me realize no matter what religion you are there is that shared belief in something more than yourself.

I have been on a new spiritual journey of late and I now know everything I have learned has just been a stepping stone to get me to where I am today. My mind just keeps opening up to new and old possibilities. I am forging my own path when it comes to my relationship with God. As everyone’s relationship with God is a personal one. I question everything and to be honest I think it is the way it should be. God wants us to get it right to know all the answers. It is man that has divided us only to conquer us through religion, through our faith, through our beliefs. It sickens me really.

Religion plays on the weakminded it is up to us the strong of heart and mind to shed light on the truth and so this where I began so long ago. Analyzing this one word. This is where my spiritual journey bagan. I encourage all of you to do the same. Forge your own path. Think outside the box man says you are supposed to fit into. You will never know true spirituality if you don’t.

Find out what the word religion means to you. Let God guide you to the answers you seek. That we all seek and remember religion is just a word. It is us that gives it the power to destroy or set you free.

TWILIGHT

She sat with her bare feet firmly planted on the dusty floor of the screened in porch watching the sun continue to slip down into the land. Elaina, loved this time of day twilight when it wasn’t fully dark yet but no longer daylight either. It was as if the sun and moon no longer existed. Instead, there was this other plane and she was caught up in the few precious moments she had here.

She scanned the endless fields in front of her breathing in the fresh summer air as she did so. The horizon seemed so far away as the sun made contact with the dry earth at what seemed to be the end of the world. She could almost hear the earth snuffing out the light as the sun fought to keep the day going with its luminous colors of blue, purple and pink streaking the sky.

These were the moments she loved, her lazy days of just sitting and enjoying the peace it brought while she sipped her homemade iced tea and just took it all in. The creatures of the day began to sing their song of bedtime and the creatures of the night began their song of waking. Somehow they pulled it off in such a hypnotic melody that Elaina almost dozed of. This was the only time of day both day and night were one.

With the rays of the sun making its final descent and darkness covered the world like a blanket she sighed a little sad that her moment was gone. “Until tomorrow when we meet again” she whispered to the twilight that no longer was.

YOUNG INDIAN GIRL 3

The last time which was the 3rd time and I can guarantee not the last time I saw the Young Indian Girl was the weirdest experience yet. Somehow though it was the most profound. I went to my local used bookstore where I do all of my open mike poetry night’s and I sat in the back between the stacks and wrote on my laptop. It is the perfect place to get in the zone to write and just be after I was done with my writing for the moment after a couple of hours of good writing. I thought since I am here and it is so quiet I am going to meditate.

After what felt like an eternity but was in reality just a few moments of concentrated open breathing in an out she once again showed herself to me. My eyes still closed I saw a flash of her standing at the end of the aisle I was sitting in and she once again turned her beautiful face and smile back to me as if to say, “come, follow.” I just thought,”Okay I am losing it.” Yet, when the picture began repeating itself over and over after a few minutes I knew I had to follow her. So I opened my eyes and as if in a haze I rounded the corner and to where it felt like she had disappeared to. I stopped at a small bookshelf in the corner and of its own accord my hand reached up and just grabbed a book off the shelf. It was a WTF moment because it appeared my hand had it’s own aura to it as I looked at it reaching up to the shelf and pulling out a book called the “Ten Grandmothers” of its own volition.

I looked at this book and thought, “really”  what is so special about this particular book. Yet, when I turned it over and read the first line of the description a chill washed over me. The very first line says, “A history of the KIOWA tribe and of their transformation from a nomadic plains tribe to a settled agricultural people. What? As you know I have several different typed of Native American in me but I had never heard of this tribe and the fact that the third time I saw her she sent me to this book and the fact that the first time I saw her I was really trying to get in touch with my heritage just blew…my… mind!

As I dive into this book it is like I am reading about my people, my beginning. I can see every one of the recorded histories of these people as if I am there witnessing their trauma, their loss, their happiness, their gains.  It is indescribable. Every short story in it speaks to me as if I have just discovered another part of myself. A me that I knew nothing about. A piece of my puzzle clicking into place where it never was and always belonged.

As you know, I come from an Indian Princess but my dad doesn’t know what tribe or even what kind of Indian she was. I feel as if it is she I keep seeing and maybe just maybe it is also her in the book and I am reading her beginnings and endings to get a better sense of where I come from so that I can grow and move forward. Since the day this book was thrust into my hand, I feel a kinship with these people. Just as I did when I saw her in my mind’s eye in the red field of daisies.

Maybe she is one of many of my spirit guides, maybe she is a relative. I still don’t know yet, but I have a feeling I am on the right path and getting closer every day.

I will let you know if and when I see her again, in the meantime, forge your own path, in the end, it will be the only thing to set you free.

THE YOUNG INDIAN GIRL 2

The second time I saw the young Indian girl I had no idea that she was who it was as she was about ten or twelve years old. I began meditating just as I always do breathing in pure white light full of love and peace. Almost immediately I saw, field after field of red daisies in the middle of the field was what I thought at the time was me at that age, but then she turned to me smiling as if she were free and happy and full of life and energy. I realized it was not me but the connection between us was so strong that for a moment it was as if I were seeing my very own soul. To say I was disappointed it wasn’t me is an understatement.

She was so free and beautiful with her long dark hair blowing in the breeze. I was almost jealous of her. I can’t remember a time even in my childhood where I ever had that look on my face. I still have no idea what this message was or for or anything. Other than to show me that maybe there was still a chance I could feel or be that free. It was so quick I almost felt as if I had imagined it but the way she made me feel was so, so, beautiful.

I did do another blog called My Journey that explains the rest of this particular meditating experience but as I went over it again today I realized I never mention the Young Indian Girl. Why? I mean I described the fields of red daisies that after doing some research I have come to find that these flowers actually exist they are native to Africa and can mean innocence, purity, and cheerfulness (which floored me by the way.) Because all these things she made me feel. Yet, why I didn’t mention her still puzzles me. She was the whole point of that meditation, wasn’t she?

She was only there for a split second but she has had lasting effects on me, inside and out. I have a feeling she will never be far from me from now on… More to come on her later sorry it is so short this time have a good night and sleep that dreamless sleep.