MY DARKNESS

For some reason the other night I had a memory resurface that I had all but forgotten about. It was of me over 34 years ago living in a small town in Missouri. It was the kind of town where your nearest neighbor’s house was at least half a mile away and the only grocery store worth going to cater to the Amish and non-Amish alike. They had a horse stable directly across from the parking lot for the more old-fashioned folk. My mother and husband number two (not my father). Worked for a turkey farmer and in return for hard work and minimum pay we got to stay in one of his many homes. This house was a dream (on the outside). It was yellow with lots of land and apple trees everywhere in the front yard. I guess it would have been akin to a small orchard. The house was huge reminding you of the good old days where the good townsfolk could come sit on the vast porch drinking iced tea and discussing the weather. I can almost picture one love-struck young girl wrapping herself around the column by the steps with a sigh dreaming of bigger things and wistful about her future beau. It was a picture perfect home.
Yet, on the inside, this house seemed to be full of darkness and sadness. Emotionally eating away at you until there was nothing left but a husk of the person you once were. I may have been only seven or eight at the time but some part of me hated this house even though I could never figure out why. I vaguely remember my friend name Kim that lived up the road and we were always playing and laughing on the beaten path that connected our two homes. It seemed we were both happiest when we were out of our house. I had almost forgotten this friend and this period of my life until the other night. Then like a gate had been opened and these particular memories came flooding back. I briefly lingered and then shook off the ancient memories forgetting them almost instantly. Until today, that is. Before I dive into what happened to me today I want to remind you that intention is everything. ..and though I didn’t realize my intention at the time I later realized this was exactly what I was asking for. (BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!)
So this morning I actually tried to contact a medium a very famous medium on fb to get real answers to things I have been seeking out for a very long time. If you have been reading my blog you will know that I have been embarking on a spiritual journey this year and that I have been told by several mediums that I, in fact, am a medium too. I have been trying to find answers to questions such as Who am I? Where do we come from? Does God really exist? You know, the hard questions.
So, I contacted this medium wanting real answers from a real professional, not wanting any bias to skew her answers, I wanted to know things like am I a medium? Can I talk to the dead? Or why can’t I see dead people? Why can’t I hear them, but alas, I never got a response. However, my answers came to me but not as subtle as you might think. I was at work as I usually am and around one pm. I suddenly felt these memories hit me in such an overwhelming manner it felt like I had been punched in the face.
It even took my breath away for a few moments as if the wind had been knocked out of me. Each time I tried to ignore them and sing one of the songs on my playlist. The memory came in again and flooded me with emotions. It was as if someone were chanting next to me remember, remember, remember. The only problem is remembering, what? I was so confused on what I was supposed to remember that I even became physically ill. Then the memory or at least the feeling of darkness washed over me and I was right back at that house and with the darkness that feeds on others pain.

For one brief, moment, I thought it was an entity that was dark but then I saw a vision of a tooth a healthy perfect tooth and right at its center was a blackness that began to match my mood. In, that moment I knew, it wasn’t already there that this was indeed my very own creation. I come from a home of abuse and neglect I needed protection from the onslaught of hell I endured on a daily basis. I almost laughed at the absurdity of it all and then a chill went down my spine. You see, while I had created this thing out of a necessity so that my mind wouldn’t crack. I truly believe this was the time period of my life with which the entity became dark somehow feeding off and also causing my negativity. To say that I was petrified is an understatement.
Just as I began to laugh this thing got pissed that I wasn’t afraid of it and for the first time in my life I wasn’t. Yet, it just seemed to get mad and before I knew it. There seemed to be a presence right in front of me that tried to reach into my heart and squeeze. As if to say, “not laughing now are you. I could feel the sharp pains in my chest and I knew it had to go away immediately. As soon as I said, “I see who you truly are. Stop it”, the pain did in fact instantly, go away. It was as if this darkness was trying to get a rise out of me on purpose and so began the tug of war with my mind for the next two hours. I didn’t give in though I could feel it crawling around like a scavenger trying any opening it could get to feed off of my negativity.
It was something you only hear about in the movies and with all the feasting it has done over the years. It was powerful. It played games with me like flooding me with horrific memories I will always remember but don’t like to talk about. When that didn’t work I actually lost time! Time, I was about to ship a handful of trays filled with contacts and I moved them in front of me but before I did any of it I texted my sister in law. A two-second text. However, when I went back to begin shipping, the contacts were already shipped and the paperwork all lying neatly in every tray. What? With no memory of doing so and I being the only person in the room at the time I was thoroughly confused. It was as if I had done some kind of time jump from one moment skipping over the current moment to the next moment without ever taking a breath.
This was a new one on me. I didn’t even know this was possible. Yet, as soon as I went to ship the trays and I realized they were done. I knew this was the work of my darkness. A darkness that I created as a protector nearly thirty-five years ago that has until now been feeding on all my negative energy and let me tell you there have been plenty to feast on. There were several more things this darkness tried to do to me today. Yet, after a couple of hours, it was as if its power was slipping away. I jumped at the chance and demanded it either leave me alone for good or act like the good protector I created it to be. Right before it gave up I saw another vision this time of the orchard in front of that big yellow house and there was a black figure walking between the trees all casual like. I heard the words, ” I have been with you this whole time.” Then, the room suddenly felt lighter, the air fresher, the day brighter.
I almost wept, at the thought of finally after all these years being alone with just me. I was almost giddy at the prospect that I was free. Yet, that last image haunted me. I began thinking of all the sheer bad luck I have had in my life, how I feel I can never get ahead, or how I am always feeling depressed, sad, or worried and then I knew. This darkness of mine not only fed off of my negativity it created it too.
Today was a battle of wills for me. Me vs the darkness that resides within. I won this battle today but I fear there is more to come. I guess I will take this one day at a time and learn to love myself, maybe for the first time. Until we meet again my darkness and please always remember.. I SEE YOU NOW.

THINGS I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU 2

Michael Jackson’s revival.- I was at work as I usually am. Listening to my music with my earbuds in. When Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror came on. Now this, one of my favorite Michael Jackson’s songs always has me feeling… Transcendent. I was smiling and singing along and saying to myself, “oh Michael I love this song.” When suddenly I felt the heat from a presence right behind me. About as tall as me. I knew instantly it was the king of pop himself. I could almost hear him singing along to his hit song as if I was suddenly in surround sound. I could here the words echoing from the words in the song especially this part, ” in order to make a change you have to start with the man in the mirror.” The words weren’t exactly as they were in the song it was like he was repeating and simplifying what the words meant in the song. It was only for a few seconds and then he was gone. This song affects me right now on so many levels but Michael was right. Change always begins with you.

THINGS I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU.

So as you all know I have been on a spiritual journey since about the beginning of June 2018. I have had a lot of experiences while meditating and even some when I have not been meditating. I found it odd, maybe even a little embarrassing that I haven’t shared all of my experiences with you my blog family. As you have probably have guessed I don’t get a lot of support from family or friends. Whether it is for my writing or this new journey I am embarking on. That stinks but I am forging ahead regardless. I have decided I will share one experience every so often. See how it feels. Please, comments and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Some may not be in the order of the time they happened but I will be posting them according to the order I think they should be posted. Here goes the first one

The couple dancing on the wall- I had my earbuds in listening to music at work and I couldn’t tell you what the song was but I was getting some weird feeling as if someone were listening and hated the song. It was as if they were screaming at me to shut it off. I even got a ringing in my ears as if something too loud was right up in it. Then the song ended and I breathed for a heartbeat before the next song came on to rid myself of this negative vibe I was getting. The next song came on and it was Janet Jackson’s That’s the way love goes. Almost instantly I felt a lifting of the energy I had surrounding me and I began to smile unexpectedly as I unconsciously began to sing along and sway to the music. About halfway through the song, something caught my eye and I looked up to see two people one male one female dancing on the wall as if they were shadows on the wall. It was as if I was watching a projection of just the outline of these two people in a box. I knew that they were African American and maybe a little older. Late 40’s early 50’s. Maybe from the 30’s or 40’s time period. They were in what appeared to be a dive bar or as they would refer to it as a juke joint. It was run down and out in the middle of nowhere in the woods. Kind of like the bar in the color purple. It was in a swampy kind of area with nothing but beautiful green trees all around the building. For several moments I was fascinated, transfixed even at the sight. I cannot even begin to describe the feeling that came over me as I was a little jealous of how well they moved. They were happy the song had come on and were swaying to and fro, back and forth to the hypnotic rhythm of the music. Then my shipping buddy came up and asked a question about work and poof just like that the moment was gone and so were they.

Let me know what you think. There is more to come later…

THE WAITING ROOM

I sit in the waiting room. Watching as the operating doors constantly swing back and forth. One after another people are being shuttled in like cattle for one procedure or another. A mechanical transaction if there ever was one.

I can almost hear the invisible cash register ding, ding, ding as it fills to the brim with the hardworking mans dollar. As the swipe of the credit card swooshes through the little machine giving all it has to offer.

I observe the cold room that offers stale coffee but little else for your comfort. The tv is on the fritz and the magazines are old. I wish I were anywhere but here on this cold January morning. Yet, I know this is a necessary evil I must endure.

I wait, and wait, and wait. Patience is not my strong suit. I gaze at the time on my phone for the hundredth time it has only been minutes since I checked the time but it has felt like hours. There is no clock on the wall. I wonder is this part of their plan in this cold lifeless room? To keep you in the dark.

No one comforts you, no one is there to hold your hand. It is just you against the room that now seems to be getting smaller and smaller by the second. There is nothing to do but wait and watch as the infinite pricetags ( people) get wheeled in and out one by one. While their loved ones join you hoping for a speedy recovery.

My heart aches as I realize we are all just cogs in a wheel of money that just keeps turning, and turning, and turning. The Doctors, Nurses, even the receptionist play their part. I wonder does it ever dawn on them that their moneymakers are living, breathing, humans?

The hours tick by slowly, and I feel as if I am at the end of my rope. Just when I can take this game no longer. My name is called. The words I didn’t know I longed to hear are uttered and I sigh a sigh of relief and the breath I had been holding without realizing it.

He is awake, and suddenly the room seems brighter the day is warmer and all thoughts of the cold lifeless room disipate. Nothing else matters but the speedy recovery of my significant other. We leave behind that waiting room and a smile escapes me. I am leaving with the love of my life. Who is alive and well, and I guess you can’t put a price on that.