Today is my daughter’s first Mother’s day. Which has me strolling down memory lane thinking about my first Mother’s day 22 years ago. As most of you know I gave that very same daughter up for adoption almost 23 years ago. Her birthday is on Saturday and she will be 23. That first Mother’s day was drastically different than today.
I had become a drunk and didn’t care about myself or anything else. I hated myself for the choice I had made and blamed everyone around me. My first Mother’s day was a crossroads for me a wake up call if you will. I came to realize through my drunken haze that I had given my daughter up so that we could both have a second chance and I was wasting mine.
I remember it as if it were yesterday. Me sitting Indian style in my bedroom, in the dark, my daughter’s first birthday pic in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. The room filled with a hazy smoke that never seemed to dissipate. It was just me and my demons sitting in the dark. This was the moment that would change the course of my life forever.
I came to the sudden realization that if I continued on this path I was going to waste my life away or worse wind up dead. All because I had made the decision to give my daughter a better life. This is the moment I chose to fight back the demons that haunted me daily and try and pick up the pieces of my broken, shattered heart and move on. If for no other reason than for her.
It is a memory I won’t soon forget and even though 22 years later this Mother’s day looks vastly different. With my daughter in my life and 2 sons with the love of my life. (I cherish every moment). I can’t help but remember that first dark Mother’s day. I shiver at the thought of where I would be if I weren’t strong enough so long ago to fight off the darkness and move on. I say this from the bottom of my heart to all you Mother’s out there weather you have lost a child or given one up for adoption. You are still a Mother and should celebrate with pride and love. To all you Mothers out there feeling alone and that there is no light in this world. I see you. I was you. Just know that this too shall pass.
To all Mother’s young and old take yourself out today and just be. Wishing you all love and light on this bright Mother’s Day.
I sit here trying to think of what to write and nothing comes to mind.
I am sitting here in my zen place. I have my new writing desk sitting in front of my big dining room open window. The sun is shining and the breeze is fantastic. I sit staring at the green grass and the trees as they slowly sway in the wind. Praying for something, anything that can inspire me to write something amazing.
As if my prayers are answered there is a sudden gust of wind and as I look up from the glaring white computer screen. I see something that makes me smile, a reminder that we need to unplug every once in a while and just be one with nature.
The tiny little, what I call helicopters that fall from trees are flying through the air but not just one or two. There are thousands of them soaring down the street in mid air. Just floating on the wind. Thousands of tiny little propellers floating down my street with no particular destination in mind.
They are beautiful and I for one brief moment am jealous of the freedom they share. If only we could all be windswept oh, what a glorious world that would be.
Spring is finally here! Winter was a cold heartless bitch!
Yet, today as I frolicked through the thickening grass that gets greener by the day.
I felt a lightness in my heart that wasn’t there before. I feel the crisp cool breeze on my skin and I bathe on the scent of freshness in the air.
Ever notice that in the Springtime even the air smells cleaner.
I hear the birds chirping and playing, I watch as they dip and dive into the recent rain puddles with perfection.
I can almost hear the flowering buds on the trees growing, this their promise that they are still alive.
The sun, the brightest temptress of them all, beckoning you to come and sit in her halo of beauty for a while.
I sit outside while the sun bids her ado, and darkness swallows you up. I don’t mind because I am soaking up all nature has to offer.
Then the man in the moon comes out to spy on all creation and I take a bow to the ever-present master of the sky.
My day has come to an end and as I gaze out of my window soaking up what’s left of the night. I can’t help but think. “THANK GOD, IT’S FINALLY SPRING!”
As the restoration continues on the old building.
I watch day by agonizing day as it is stripped down to nothing more than a shell, waiting to be turned into something new.
Today I walked in and there it was in all its unholy glory. I think to myself, “If only these walls could talk. What would they have to say?”
I gaze upon the bare bones and for a moment I too feel exposed, raw, bare.
My heart bleeds for this place and all its empty memories that have now been ripped away along with the aging carpet.
I am filled with an emptiness of my own looking at the vastness of a time gone by, as I walk across a stone floor so many have tread.
I have to remember though that to make way for something new the old must go. To gaze upon the emptiness one has to think about all the possibilities, they are endless.
In a few weeks, it will be something different, something new. We can all rejoice the newness of it all, but let’s not forget the past and remember without it. There is no tomorrow.
So usually when I am at work I listen to music all day. Lately, I have been taking an hour out of my day (while working, of course) to listen to some meditation music thinking this might assist me in opening up my 3rd eye on a more permanent basis. I have been getting jolts of things here and there snatches of images seem to be spiritual or otherworldly in nature.
However, there has been a lot of remodeling at my job and so even listening to regular music has been taxing, to say the least. So when I went to listen to my meditation music today it was all but impossible. Before I knew it it was lunch time and so I decided not to listen today. Yet, things don’t always work out the way you think they will.
I have been trying to get a confirmation of sorts of reincarnation and I must say things have gotten weird lately. It seems everywhere I look there is something prompting me one way or another when it comes to this subject. What is that saying, “be careful what you wish for?” I have been doing a kind of sleep meditation the last few nights and my only question has been, “I need the truth, regardless of the answer I seek truth?” You see regardless if reincarnation is real or not that is not the issue.
I grew up in an abusive household where my mother would leave bruises on me and then lie about it all the while spewing the Bible at me as if I were the great sinner. I detest liars, and so before I can commit one way or another. I only ever seek the truth no matter what it is. I don’t need the constant lies fed to us by our mothers, our fathers, society!
I choose to break from religion and seek my own spiritual path and this is a big question in that realm. Considering the religion I grew up with I never gave a second thought to reincarnation however, someone, somewhere keeps throwing this question in my face, and so I must follow the trail. Again, no matter where it leads.
That being said back to my job today. I wrapped up lunch and pulled up a playlist on my phone that I hadn’t heard in a while. Now I must tell you after three or four songs. I was shocked to my very core when the meditation music began playing again. It is not on that playlist. At least I never put it there. Thinking this was someone in the divine realm clearly trying to get me to meditate I went with the flow and began breathing deeply and attempting to clear my mind of all things (other than the work I was doing at my job that is.)
I was plodding along working and breathing when suddenly I saw an image of a young Indian girl dressed in nothing but a primitive loincloth and a makeshift top she was maybe 12 or 13 and she was running for all she was worth in the middle of the Jungle In the pouring rain. There was no sound but you could tell she was afraid of something or someone behind her. I mentally shouted who are you but no response came. I had a split second of recognition as if I were her and then she was gone. I never saw what it was she was running from because just as quickly as I saw her I was so startled at seeing her I lost the connection.
However, somewhere deep down I felt as if I were being shown myself or at least a past version of who I once was. It was so surreal it was as if I could reach out and touch the leaves on the trees as she ran past them. It wasn’t even until the images faded I realized my heart was racing and I was out of breath as if I had been running for dear life. To top it all off. Mere seconds after the image faded the smell of wet earth hit me so hard I was almost gagging. Now I know there is remodeling going on and it was raining outside however, I am in the middle of the building with no windows or anything. I tried to pass this off as something explainable but once I began asking my co-workers if they smelled something all they said was wet paint.
I couldn’t explain the smell or the fact that it wasn’t there before the images came to me or the fact that the smell stayed with me for over half an hour no matter where I was in the building afterward. After asking my boss about the smell and him looking at me like I had lost my mind I gave up trying to rationalize the moment.
Is this proof of reincarnation? I don’t know but I do know I am on to something even bigger than I know myself. I will keep digging as is my nature and will definitely keep you guys updated on the exploits of THE SPIRITUAL EXPLORER.