I watched a movie last night that simultaneously pissed me off and had me all up in my feelings. I watched as the main character went through the aftermath of a break-up with a man she had been with for nine long years. Now being married for almost 19 years that time meant very little to me, and anyone including myself at any other time would have focused on her heartbreak throughout the movie. It was palpable.
While my heart did ache over her pain my focus very quickly turned to her two best friends that got her through the next 48 hours. At the end of the movie I sat in stunned silence over the bond they shared. Yes, I did tear up in parts of this movie but the one thing running through my mind after it was all said and done was,”I have never had a friend like that.” I have had friends yes. Yet, something always seemed to be off about the relationship. I find that even now unless I call my so called friends I may not ever hear from any of them.
I used to think way back in high school that there had to be something wrong with me. I mean the foreign exchange student from Spain even had more friends than I did and I had known these guys my whole life. I mostly kept to myself even eating somewhere other than the cafeteria so as not to get all the judgmental looks from people I had known forever because I was eating alone. I was always the lone wolf, the outcast, and for some reason this movie drove that home once again.
I always say I am an island unto myself because well. I am alone most of the time. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my feelings, I have always felt that somehow I am the problem. Or that I am that friend others keep around to make them feel better about themselves or a sort of place holder friend until they meet someone more exciting.
I am that person though, that tries to be a good friend give advice where needed. A shoulder to lean on, a friend that will do anything for you. Because I do know the true definition of the word friend. Which stinks because I don’t think most people do anymore. I have been in turmoil the last few months when my best friend in the world decided I was no longer worth her time. I felt I had finally found my person. That one person I could count on to lean on to share life’s little moments with and I guess for a time we did. Yet, when she suddenly stopped speaking to me because I dared no pick up the phone when she called me. I was crushed. I reverted back to what did I do? I spent months go over it, and over it in my head to no real reasoning whatsoever.
I realized just in the last few weeks it’s not me. I am a rock. I am the beacon you see even in the dark. I am never changing in who I am. I am that person that helps others heal through the giving of my shoulder and my affection. I am not the one that changes who they are for someone else just so they will like me. However, it is a lonely road sometimes.
I have since come to terms with this part of myself recently and even though it sucks not having that person I can count on. It has made me re evaluate myself and I am proud of who I am. Even if this movie got me all up in my feelings and made me miss those who have gone out of my life. I see once again I don’t need them to validate who and what I am. They say everyone comes into your life for a reason and I truly believe this. It may not have been our destiny to stay friends for life but I have learned a lot from each and every person I have befriended in all my years. So this is my thank you to each and every one of you that have come, gone, and for those friends I will have in the future. Thank you for being in my life at the time you were or will be. Because of you I am who I am…


Today is my daughter’s first Mother’s day. Which has me strolling down memory lane thinking about my first Mother’s day 22 years ago. As most of you know I gave that very same daughter up for adoption almost 23 years ago. Her birthday is on Saturday and she will be 23. That first Mother’s day was drastically different than today.

I had become a drunk and didn’t care about myself or anything else. I hated myself for the choice I had made and blamed everyone around me. My first Mother’s day was a crossroads for me a wake up call if you will. I came to realize through my drunken haze that I had given my daughter up so that we could both have a second chance and I was wasting mine.

I remember it as if it were yesterday. Me sitting Indian style in my bedroom, in the dark, my daughter’s first birthday pic in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. The room filled with a hazy smoke that never seemed to dissipate. It was just me and my demons sitting in the dark. This was the moment that would change the course of my life forever.

I came to the sudden realization that if I continued on this path I was going to waste my life away or worse wind up dead. All because I had made the decision to give my daughter a better life. This is the moment I chose to fight back the demons that haunted me daily and try and pick up the pieces of my broken, shattered heart and move on. If for no other reason than for her.

It is a memory I won’t soon forget and even though 22 years later this Mother’s day looks vastly different. With my daughter in my life and 2 sons with the love of my life. (I cherish every moment). I can’t help but remember that first dark Mother’s day. I shiver at the thought of where I would be if I weren’t strong enough so long ago to fight off the darkness and move on. I say this from the bottom of my heart to all you Mother’s out there weather you have lost a child or given one up for adoption. You are still a Mother and should celebrate with pride and love. To all you Mothers out there feeling alone and that there is no light in this world. I see you. I was you. Just know that this too shall pass.

To all Mother’s young and old take yourself out today and just be. Wishing you all love and light on this bright Mother’s Day.


I sit here trying to think of what to write and nothing comes to mind.

I am sitting here in my zen place. I have my new writing desk sitting in front of my big dining room open window. The sun is shining and the breeze is fantastic. I sit staring at the green grass and the trees as they slowly sway in the wind. Praying for something, anything that can inspire me to write something amazing.

As if my prayers are answered there is a sudden gust of wind and as I look up from the glaring white computer screen. I see something that makes me smile, a reminder that we need to unplug every once in a while and just be one with nature.

The tiny little, what I call helicopters that fall from trees are flying through the air but not just one or two. There are thousands of them soaring down the street in mid air. Just floating on the wind. Thousands of tiny little propellers floating down my street with no particular destination in mind.

They are beautiful and I for one brief moment am jealous of the freedom they share. If only we could all be windswept oh, what a glorious world that would be.


Spring is finally here! Winter was a cold heartless bitch!

Yet, today as I frolicked through the thickening grass that gets greener by the day.

I felt a lightness in my heart that wasn’t there before. I feel the crisp cool breeze on my skin and I bathe on the scent of freshness in the air.

Ever notice that in the Springtime even the air smells cleaner.

I hear the birds chirping and playing, I watch as they dip and dive into the recent rain puddles with perfection.

I can almost hear the flowering buds on the trees growing, this their promise that they are still alive.

The sun, the brightest temptress of them all, beckoning you to come and sit in her halo of beauty for a while.

I sit outside while the sun bids her ado, and darkness swallows you up. I  don’t mind because I am soaking up all nature has to offer.

Then the man in the moon comes out to spy on all creation and I take a bow to the ever-present master of the sky.

My day has come to an end and as I gaze out of my window soaking up what’s left of the night. I can’t help but think. “THANK GOD, IT’S FINALLY SPRING!”


As the restoration continues on the old building.

I watch day by agonizing day as it is stripped down to nothing more than a shell, waiting to be turned into something new.

Today I walked in and there it was in all its unholy glory. I think to myself, “If only these walls could talk. What would they have to say?”

I gaze upon the bare bones and for a moment I too feel exposed, raw, bare.

My heart bleeds for this place and all its empty memories that have now been ripped away along with the aging carpet.

I am filled with an emptiness of my own looking at the vastness of a time gone by, as I walk across a stone floor so many have tread.

I have to remember though that to make way for something new the old must go. To gaze upon the emptiness one has to think about all the possibilities, they are endless.

In a few weeks, it will be something different, something new. We can all rejoice the newness of it all, but let’s not forget the past and remember without it. There is no tomorrow.





So usually when I am at work I listen to music all day. Lately, I have been taking an hour out of my day (while working, of course) to listen to some meditation music thinking this might assist me in opening up my 3rd eye on a more permanent basis. I have been getting jolts of things here and there snatches of images seem to be spiritual or otherworldly in nature.

However, there has been a lot of remodeling at my job and so even listening to regular music has been taxing, to say the least. So when I went to listen to my meditation music today it was all but impossible. Before I knew it it was lunch time and so I decided not to listen today. Yet, things don’t always work out the way you think they will.

I have been trying to get a confirmation of sorts of reincarnation and I must say things have gotten weird lately. It seems everywhere I look there is something prompting me one way or another when it comes to this subject. What is that saying, “be careful what you wish for?” I have been doing a kind of sleep meditation the last few nights and my only question has been, “I need the truth, regardless of the answer I seek truth?” You see regardless if reincarnation is real or not that is not the issue.

I grew up in an abusive household where my mother would leave bruises on me and then lie about it all the while spewing the Bible at me as if I were the great sinner. I detest liars, and so before I can commit one way or another. I only ever seek the truth no matter what it is. I don’t need the constant lies fed to us by our mothers, our fathers, society!

I choose to break from religion and seek my own spiritual path and this is a big question in that realm. Considering the religion I grew up with I never gave a second thought to reincarnation however, someone, somewhere keeps throwing this question in my face, and so I must follow the trail. Again, no matter where it leads.

That being said back to my job today. I wrapped up lunch and pulled up a playlist on my phone that I hadn’t heard in a while. Now I must tell you after three or four songs. I was shocked to my very core when the meditation music began playing again. It is not on that playlist. At least I never put it there. Thinking this was someone in the divine realm clearly trying to get me to meditate I went with the flow and began breathing deeply and attempting to clear my mind of all things (other than the work I was doing at my job that is.)

I was plodding along working and breathing when suddenly I saw an image of a young Indian girl dressed in nothing but a primitive loincloth and a makeshift top she was maybe 12 or 13 and she was running for all she was worth in the middle of the Jungle In the pouring rain. There was no sound but you could tell she was afraid of something or someone behind her. I mentally shouted who are you but no response came. I had a split second of recognition as if I were her and then she was gone. I never saw what it was she was running from because just as quickly as I saw her I was so startled at seeing her I lost the connection.

However, somewhere deep down I felt as if I were being shown myself or at least a past version of who I once was. It was so surreal it was as if I could reach out and touch the leaves on the trees as she ran past them. It wasn’t even until the images faded I realized my heart was racing and I was out of breath as if I had been running for dear life. To top it all off. Mere seconds after the image faded the smell of wet earth hit me so hard I was almost gagging. Now I know there is remodeling going on and it was raining outside however, I am in the middle of the building with no windows or anything. I tried to pass this off as something explainable but once I began asking my co-workers if they smelled something all they said was wet paint.

I couldn’t explain the smell or the fact that it wasn’t there before the images came to me or the fact that the smell stayed with me for over half an hour no matter where I was in the building afterward. After asking my boss about the smell and him looking at me like I had lost my mind I gave up trying to rationalize the moment.

Is this proof of reincarnation? I don’t know but I do know I am on to something even bigger than I know myself. I will keep digging as is my nature and will definitely keep you guys updated on the exploits of THE SPIRITUAL EXPLORER.


I went to the Spring Metaphysical fair last weekend by myself. That was the first time I have done anything like this by myself. I am so used to actually doing outside activities with other people and I never go downtown alone. Other than praying I wouldn’t get hit in traffic it was very soothing and cathartic actually. I almost didn’t go as I usually back out of things like this when no one else wants to go but as I was sitting there listening to the birds chirping and the beautiful day envelop me in its warmth I realized I wasn’t alone at all.
The last time (which was the first time) I came to this fair back in November. I was with my sister in law and a friend who has since passed away.
The friend not the sister in law. Ever since I saw the ad for the Spring fair I have had a burning desire to go I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why?
Yet, as I walked through the parking lot and up the stairs to the building I couldn’t help but smile you see my friend hated stairs almost as much as I do and that coupled with the constant chatter of a single bird that seemed to be following me. I got the sense that my friend was right next to me. Taking those giant stairs one at a time also.
I thought to myself as I made my way in that this was the reason I had this overwhelming need to be here even if I had to come alone. I would soon find out my friend was merely along for the ride as much as I was. That there were greater forces at play here. Even now I am amazed at the Universe’s ability to put you exactly where you need to be if you only listen and follow its breadcrumbs.
So, I got checked in and paid the eight dollar fee to get in. It seemed I was the only person here that came alone. There was a raffle at the next table and as I filled out the tiny piece of paper for said raffle. I was handed a program and told that there was a
Workshop starting in just a few minutes upstairs if I wanted to go.
Now the last time I went I never knew they did workshops every hour for various things during this 3 day fair. I was shocked to discover with a minimal eight dollar free all the workshops were free. Curious I looked at the program only to find that this particular workshop I had shown up just in the nick of time for was on the one subject I have always related to… Angels!
With a renewed sense of purpose, I made my way up yet another set of stairs and into a conference room for the workshop. I must admit when the lady began speaking I wasn’t sure I was in the right room she began talking about star seeds and I had never heard that term before. Then she began talking about the history of Angels and their origins here on Earth.
It was very interesting and she talked about how we change from one lifetime to the next she hinted that there were scriptures in the Bible that prove reincarnation and while I am still on the fence about this she made a lot of sense. At one point I got chills because I could feel my friend sitting in the empty seat next to me soaking the information in just as I was.
After the workshop, I hung out at the fair for a bit and even bought a tote bag on my way out to commemorate the day. All the way home I struggled with what I had learned and vowed to do my own investigation into this whole thing. As there are already Bible quotes that confirm Angels were indeed among us. I was curious about the Bible verses that hinted at reincarnation so I found them. I was blown away. The Bible is chock full of verses that deny reincarnation but the ones I found confirm everyone that has ever had a “near death experience”!
I have read through the Bible many times and never came across these scriptures. I guess they only revealed themselves when I myself was open enough to listen. I must admit most of what the lady talked about I was confused about. However, she did say that we are in an era of great growth, and change is coming. That sent shockwaves of knowing throughout my body.
I was now more curious than ever about Angels and once again humanities origin story. So I looked this girl up on fb and followed her to try to find out more. Yet, when I looked up her name on the program something else caught my eye. The workshop before this one that I had missed called THE VIOLET FLAME! Curious as to what this was I, of course, googled it and found there was a book out there called The Violet Flame! It tells about how the violet flame is kind of all-encompassing it is like the end all be all flame it brings light love peace, it helps open you up, and most curious of all it helps you conquer any fears carried over from, past lives! Yes, I said it, Past Lives! Now I must tell you the very first time I meditated I saw a violet flame, a little too coincidental if you ask me.
After reading what I could on this subject I was a little freaked out because once again it seemed someone was having me follow the breadcrumbs and this was getting weird. I feel like someone was telling me, “ask and you shall receive.”
All this coupled with what I had heard in the workshop had me all confused. Then like a lightning bolt it hit me. The words ADAPT OR DIE! Kept running through my mind on a loop. These words have been so much a part of human history. It is so intertwined in our lives that we don’t even understand the subtly of it all. It has been proven that we need to adapt to change or we fail. As a society, as a human race.
We as humans have had to adapt to a lot in the past but never a full-blown change like this. Of our beliefs, of our hearts, of our past. We as humans are loathed to change and so as you can see throughout the past, history is doomed to repeat itself.
We need to have an open mind to anything and everything, we need to delve into our past and weed out the fears and negativity and squelch those demons once and for all. In order for us to grow, we need to expand our minds to the endless possibilities. We need to change the way we think, for not only our sake but for our children’s sake as well.
There is something coming, even our planet knows in the way it is reacting right now. There is an awakening happening and we need to open our hearts and minds to it or I fear we will be lost. We need to dig up our past, our origins, find the truth so we can clear the way for our future. It is the dawn of a new day, and we must adapt or we shall surely die!