FRACTURED

As  I sit here staring at the moonlight, I feel empty. What once gave me pleasure now just hangs there like a wasted ornament on a lifeless tree.

I rise broken and frayed I stumble toward its healing power. Yet he and I both know he can’t fix this thing that is broken inside of me.

I can still hear the first crack of my mind as it continues to echo and splinter out. The sound like so many bones breaking under pressure and I think to myself “am I already dead?”

My soul weeps for my heart as it shatters along with what’s left of my mind and I find that the light has gone out and I am once again alone, in the darkness.

My eyes begin to burn with unshed tears, tears that I have cried a thousand times, and I wonder much like the bear in the woods can your mind really break if no one is there to witness it?

I can hear the time slowly ticking down like that of a bomb counting down to my extinction, as the fear that I am losing my mind overtakes me.

An agonizing, painful, death if there ever was one. To watch and wait with bated breath as your mind slowly gives way, to oblivion.

I sit here on my playground of insanity with its lifeless trees with their lifeless leaves. All the color has been leached out of them and me I am alone amidst the desolation.

After all these years, and all these times I have fought and won, I laugh at the thought that this, this is what will finally break me. This is what will finally win the war I wage daily.

Once the question “how much more can one person possibly take?'” began to circle my brain I knew it was only a matter of time before my mind began to break.

The earth began to quake, I began to shake, the rubber band that was holding the pieces of my mind finally snapped with a crispness somehow only I could hear.

Trapped in the recesses of my own mind, I seek solace where there is none, I seek peace in a never-ending war, I seek quiet in the midst of a raging storm. There is none.

There is nothing only me, sitting here with my fractured mind, on a moonless, colorless night.

 

 

 

 

 

WHAT’S YOUR ALTER EGO?

We all see those quizzes on facebook right? You know the ones that you take to see what state you should live in, or the one that sees what kind of princess you should be, or the ones that show what angel you are, or mythical creature, or cartoon character or, or agghhh! It is enough to make your head spin and God forbid you do one that a friend sent you the link for then that is ALL THEY EVER SEND YOU!

I have never seen one that states what your alter ego should be. So me, being who I am, took that as a challenge of sorts and so here we are. I challenge all my followers and more to do a blog about your alter ego. I will go first and I may even do a blog from time to time with her thoughts. So here goes…

She is also a brunette except her eyes are the color of emeralds disappearing into the darkness of the night. She believes in nothing but herself and she unlike me has kept her girlish figure since she has no children or husband or anything but herself. She also survived the trauma of our youth yet, she unlike me deals with it by getting into bar fights with grown men and cracking skulls. She loves the smell of blood on the pavement in the morning. Kicking ass and taking names is her mantra. She loves the feel of leather on her skin the tighter the better and wears cowboy boots (she calls shit kickers) but only ironically. She unlike me has managed to tame her wild hair down to a silky wave and wears a leather vest with no bra every chance she gets. She rides a hog and nothing else, everything she owns is in her saddlebags.

She loathes jewelry and makeup save for the to die for ruby red lipstick she wears, she calls it the whore’s mouth and yet she doesn’t have random sex. She may be loose with her morals but she tends to keep her legs firmly closed. She knows she’s hot and loves to torture men with her feminine wiles. She sees nothing wrong with this as it is in her terms just part of the job.

Speaking of jobs she used to be a police officer, after the trauma of our childhood she decided what better way to get the scum off the streets than to be a policewoman. However, she went rouge one too many times as she loathes rules just as much as she loathes jewelry and makeup, and got kicked off the force. She is now one of the most sought after Bounty Hunter’s even with her tendencies toward rage. She is in a word psychotic. I fear she will one day take her rage to the next level but she just laughs and laughs inside my head. Not a girly laugh mind you, a laugh that would make even the devil quake in his fiery pit.

She sees things only in black and white there are no in between’s and she uses all her attributes to get her man every damned time. She would say that justice rules her but I see how broken she is. Only I see her for what she really is a scared little girl that doesn’t get close to anyone out of fear of what they can do to her. Regardless of this, the damage has been done. She speaks her mind and for anyone that doesn’t like it will more than likely get a beat down. She has broken more laws than I can count yet she would say she is the law. She makes it, she can break it. I feel for her in her loneliness no family to call her own, but I know she just sees that as weakness. “Feelings blah!”  She would say and I would shed a tear for her broken shattered soul.

This, this is my alter ego. She may be beautiful on the outside, but on the inside, she is a raging inferno ready to blow at any moment. Her name is Angel by the way, what is your alter ego like?

 

 

If you want to hear more from Angel, like and commet…

MAKE ME SMILE?

Here lately I have felt, blah! Just blah, A few weeks ago I went through some traumatic events as you all should know if you have been reading my blog (hint! hint!) I have faced and overcome and now I just feel empty. Maybe it is a sort of depression, I mean I don’t want to work, I don’t want to clean my house, hell it has been a struggle just spending time with my kids, or write. Yet I still shore myself up and just do it. Something my boss said in our last meeting over my quality of calls I take has been stuck in my head for days now, and after a conversation, I had with my bestie this morning makes me wonder even more. Am I more broken than I think I am? He said that I was very transactional on the phone no emotion or anything, and it got me thinking about the past.

I have a past filled with stuff you only see on tv, (especially Lifetime), it is not something easily talked about as it is an emotional landmine. My friend has been through much the same stuff I have and as I told her this morning we should praise God every day we can get through without becoming a stereotype. You know those stories you hear about the young girl selling herself to fill a void in her life or the young girl that was found dead in an alley from an overdose all to fill some void in her life, or being homeless and starving because the alternative was just too much to bear. (Do you see a theme here?)

Every day that we can go out into the world and function like everyone else is a blessing. Those we love may not get it and that is okay because I wouldn’t wish anyone the amount of pain I have endured in my lifetime. I just consider us warriors, strong enough to overcome our past and not be ruled by it. Our strength is what makes us beautiful. It’s what drives us to be better, better for our children, better for our significant others, better for ourselves. I did a blog recently on strength and the question still remains what can make me so strong willed and others not? All I know is that by the grace of God I am alive and well today, and I am grateful for that every day!

I have been told on numerous occasions let the past go! Forgive and forget! That my friend is easier said that done. As anyone who has ever been through a horrible trauma can attest. Yet, what these people don’t understand is there is a difference between letting go and forgetting. I have completely forgiven but I can never forget. For people like my friend and I that have suffered abuse after abuse after abuse as a child will never be able to forget that we were once deemed as nothing of consequence. She said something interesting to me today. It was “what we go through in our childhood shapes who and what we become.” If this is true I have come a long way since then and I am all the better despite it. She is right the scars we collect in our youth are ones we carry close to us, is it so that we do remember and strive to not be like that or is it simply a blanket of comfort that we hold on to?

Back to my boss saying my calls were great except for the whole emotional thing. He said I was very transactional on the calls. I realize more and more as I get older that my past has indeed shaped who and what I am. The one thing in my life I wish I could change is that I have no emotions when it comes to certain things. I don’t cry, EVER! Except when I am watching Lifetime of course! I shed a tear here or there but not all out tears. I am uncomfortable around people when they talk about weddings, or funerals, or even that someone I know gave birth. The minute it seems like something real and emotional I shut down. Maybe it has become a self-preservation thing, or maybe my emotional scars keep me from feeling things I should. Either way, it is off-putting to most people but what can you do? If this is the most horrific thing I have from my past then I think I can live with that. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more than blah, and smile again, but for now, I am enjoying the peacefulness of my favorite spot in the yard as I watch the sun go down.

ALL OF ME

All of Me
What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh oh
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world
     I never really listened to this song before and today I listened to it. Between the lyrics and the tone of the music, it is in a word beautiful. We all go through life looking for this, this one person out there that accepts us as we are and loves all of us with all of them. It is something some of us spend a lifetime searching for, yet most of us never find. It is a select few that seem to find their perfect match. Their one true love, that one person you can’t breathe without them. It reminds me of the fairy tale I saw as love when I was a child. That love was some kind of perfect entity all on it’s own. That nothing could break a couple if they were truly in love.
   However for some it I have found it is hard to hold on to that lightening in a bottle and let the flame go out due to one reason or another. They let life get in the way and that is a shame, because the fairy tale isn’t really a fairy tale. If you find that one true person that knows your heart, that one person that see and “love all your curves and edges”, that  “all your perfect imperfections” then you should hold on tight and never let them go. The one that thinks you are their end and their beginning even when they lose their winning because you are by their side. It is a beautiful thing, to be that person they need.
   I have found that, and I refuse to let go. After a lifetime of frogs, I have found my prince. We have been together for many years now and after all the graying of hair, the weight gain, the wrinkles he still looks at me as if I am that girl that walked toward him down the aisle in the fairy tale wedding gown. I am grateful for that. We have weathered many storms together and it has only made us stronger. Unlike the fairy tale a real relationship takes work. If it someone that truly knows your heart it is always worth the effort. As someone that had a rough life previous to us getting together, I am eternally grateful. Thank you, Jason, for loving all my perfect imperfections, All of me will always love all of you…

CHOICES

It is said that we are the choices we make. If that is true, how do we know when it is the right choice. We can wish to turn back the clock all we want, but the fact remains that we can’t. Once the choice has been made there is no going back, there is no turning back time there are only the choices we made and the consequences that follow. I have learned this over and over again throughout my life. None greater than the moment I chose to give my daughter up for adoption. It was the hardest choice I ever made and it has haunted me daily since that day.

Some of the choices we make, even know we know in the deepest part of ourselves it was the right choice can have a lasting effect, forever. It is like when you skip rocks on the water, the ripple effect goes on and on and on. I know in the deepest part of me that due to my circumstances and the never ending trials set before me that giving her up was the best thing for her, and yet it is a battle I would never win with myself. I have constantly questioned did I do the right thing? Did I make the right choice? For the past twenty -one years.  Even seeing how she has flourished and had every opportunity I still question my actions so long ago.

It became utterly clear to me,  that it was indeed the right choice when her father contacted me after all these years. This was my worst fears come to life, this man rejected her then, what could he possibly want with her now? Yet, another choice I would have to make regarding the welfare of my child. If he hurt her or rejected her again, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I was inconsolable for days, having dredged up so many past memories most of which I had forgotten about. Speaking to this man, this man that I had deemed the devil for so long was like a slap in the face, and yet, the more we spoke the more I realized. The choice I made, the one that had been haunting me for the past twenty-one years was, in fact, the right one.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t ready to have her, it wasn’t that I didn’t love her because I do. It was that I wanted to give her everything. The world, with all its endless possibilities. I couldn’t give her that, but the one thing I could do was give her to a loving family that could give her the world. The choices I made have come full circle since speaking to her father. The man that even now seems to have not learned anything from the past. The man that is still rejecting her today. I realized in the moment. That his choices may be eating him up and that is okay with me. But my choices I had to make the tough decision to give her what I new I couldn’t. If in fact, we are the choices we make, then I like to think I am the strong enough to let go when the touch choices come, and I am a loving mother that would and did do anything for their child even if that meant giving her to someone else to raise.

DRUNK SATURDAY 05-20-2017

It has occurred to me what with the horrific week I have had that things are not always as they seem. I just spent a blissful couple of hours with my best friend we watched THE  CRAFT, and as much as I loved this movie it got me thinking of what  Sarah says at the end of the movie “Relax it’s only magic.” Meaning it is a trick of the mind that is played on you and despite your fears, most of it is in your head. I have concocted some weird theory’s in the last week as to why a certain someone would even contact me after twenty-one years. Some old feelings even came up and whether they were good or bad I realized it doesn’t matter.

It was all an illusion, black magic if you will of a time long dead and that I want no part of. I have been through the emotional ringer this week and for what? So that I could dwell on a past that no longer exists? Sure I went through some hard times, but I now know, no amount of I’m sorry’s will ever be enough! No matter what this individual says to me I no longer care! I was asked, by this person, “Do you regret?” I can honestly say… no! Even though I have a past filled with heartache, and pain I regret nothing because it got me to where I am right here in this moment. It may be a trick of the brain or some sort of practical magic, but I have grown more as a person, nay a human being in the past week than I have in years. I learned to let the past go and concentrate on the here and now. Although was a much-needed break from reality, I know when the morning comes and the sun rises I am a changed person.

I can feel for the first time in many years, a feeling of peace I thought would never happen. As I gaze out the window into the darkness I am no longer afraid of the magic it holds, as I feel the breeze wafting gently over my skin I know that I am whole I am no longer at war with myself. That may be the magic of it all, the illusion I cling to in the dark but it is one I hope to hold on to for a very long time.

LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

The dewdrops fall like midnight rain,

As I step deeper into the woods with nothing but a flimsy nightgown to protect me from the elements.

The fog rolls in thickening to a soupy consistency,

I realize I have had this dream before, or rather a nightmare.

As I throw caution to the wind and all but disappear in the foggy mist guided only by the pale moonlight.

I for the first time in my life,  am not afraid.

There are no demons from a past long forgotten surrounding me.

There is only peace and my soul rejoices that for once it is just me standing in the nightmare of what once was. Enjoying a late night stroll as it should be.

I am alone with my thoughts, that once upon a time were so chaotic, I knew one day they would drive me mad.

Sticks and stones penetrate my fragile feet,  as I walk barefoot through the forest yet I don’t feel a thing.

My soul has been released and I become lighter than air the darkness can no longer touch me. I am filled with my very own light.

I exude its blinding brightness and once again I rejoice in the knowledge that I am free.

Free of my worst nightmares. I faced them head on and they didn’t break me. They strengthened me. I gobbled them up in the darkness of what once was my soul.

I could feel them weakening as I grew stronger. Now, I am unstoppable, here in the dark, I can finally see the light.

My light, and it is beautiful.