THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE 2

I am almost 42 and I gotta say fear has been a common occurrence in my life. Coupled with the awful upbringing and my own nature I, to be honest with myself have been terrified of well, everything!

I would always say that my only fear is snakes but deep down. I have been afraid of life itself and all its possibilities. I am afraid to do anything in public, such as dancing, singing, or even reading (that last one though I have worked hard to overcome). I am afraid to try new things, so I have missed out on what I am sure were epic unforgettable moments. Then there is the big one, the fear of being myself.

For so long I acted exactly how everyone wanted me to. I would say I was complacent because I didn’t like confrontation, but the real truth is  I didn’t want to voice my opinion on the off chance that I was wrong.  I was so afraid of losing the man I love, or what little friends I had to fully explore the, me that is real. The bigger concern is I was so busy trying to please everyone I never took the time to get to know me and to be honest I was terrified of finding out.

As we all have a dark side, I have seen my dark side on rare occasions but I repressed that part of me and buried her deep, deep down but she is always there, always lurking, always fighting for a chance to be free. Yet, that is where the part of me that fights her own battles, the part of me that doesn’t sit complacently by and let people take advantage, the part of me that is braver, reside. That part of me is the Yin to my Yang, and I have been trying to slowly connect those two parts of myself over the last few weeks but I know there is something broken there. A piece of me still missing, that would bridge the gap and make me whole.

Still filled with fear over exploring this missing link I am working hard to overcome it because I  if only for a moment have felt what its like to be whole. To have all the jagged pieces of myself come together like a puzzle and see the big picture.

The very first time I meditated after it was revealed to me that I was a medium was the next day. It was a Sunday with not a cloud in the sky, a warm summer day not to hot not to cold. Not knowing how to go about doing this I researched several videos on youtube (it has everything). I sat in my favorite chaise lounge in the yard surrounded by nature, I put on some tranquil music and began breathing ( that is what meditation is all about you know, the breathing) I began breathing deeper and deeper letting my mind go blank and the weight of the world just kind of slip off my shoulders and out of my body.

I visualized breathing in white light and cool air and breathing out the negativity that has plagued me for so long. I began to feel the cool air I was sucking in and see behind my closed lids this white pure energy going into my nose and spreading throughout my body. I could see every time I breathed the negative out it came out of my mouth in a swirling cloud of black and grey smoke. This in, an of itself was quite the experience.

Then something strange happened. The sun felt as if it actually moved from its spot behind the shade of the tree as if to shine on me my own little spotlight if you will, a breeze that wasn’t there before suddenly cooled my face and I was filled to the brim with the most extraordinary sense of peace, love, and actual joy. I was in the moment with all of me whole for the first time in my life.

Don’t get me wrong I have had moments in my life of all of these things, the birth of my children, my wedding day, even more recently I got to go back to a job I actually like, but never in the whole of my life have I experienced them all together. For the very first time I was whole, all the pieces that make, up, who and what I am down to the very core of me were present. It was an indescribable moment. In this moment fear was gone and even my soul was at peace.

I basked in the glory of the moment for what felt like an eternity as even time had seemed to stop. Just as I was getting used to this moment once again something changed. The atmospheric pressure seemed to change energy and suddenly I felt someone or something there. A presence just to my left about four feet away. I opened my eyes for the first time since beginning to meditate fully expecting someone to be standing there I didn’t physically see them but knew with absolute certainty they were there.

I thought to myself “don’t be afraid.” I thought this twice and the third time I whispered, “don’t be afraid.” The moment it slipped out of my mouth this presence moved and was now standing right next to me. I could even feel the heat from his energy on my bare arm. I looked down to the ground right there next to me and a flash of blue-white light I have ever seen crossed my mind. I also saw wings just the tips but there were like glass, and also the same blue-white as the angel himself. I knew it was a masculine energy and I knew he was everything that was light and love. Then I saw more than heard the words, ” I have been with you the whole time you are just now seeing for the first time” flash in my mind. Then another flash came to me and I saw a string connected from my side to his side a white tether. That even though looked rather flimsy I knew was unbreakable.

Tears flooded my eyes and I knew I would never feel alone again. I thought to myself “what will happen next.” So I closed my eyes and began meditating again. With my hands outstretched on the lounge chair, I began to get in that moment again. Where the world falls away and it is just me. The sun seemed to move from behind the shade of the branches once again and the cool breeze that never existed washed over my face.

This time I felt as if someone brushed my hand with the back of theirs on my right and as I chanted once again “don’t be afraid I raised my hand and turned it over palm up. I didn’t feel a presence but I knew someone had touched me. The second I lifted my hand up as if in invitation they grabbed my hand and held it in a firm grip as if to never let go. The second they did this I knew again with an absolute certainty it was my grandmother. I opened my eyes and looked down at my hand gripped in the thin air and was flooded with memories of her. A woman that passed away when I was 19! Was standing there I couldn’t see her but I knew she too was always by my side.

With all the negative experiences I have had in my life I knew the moment I  really tried to awaken that part of myself had to be a good one. It was as if they were welcoming me to the other side in a way that made me realize the physic lady I went to a few weeks ago was right. As long as I think positive and breathe out the negative the experiences I would have would be positive. They were there to let me know as alone as I have felt in my darkest hours I have never truly been alone.

This has been the missing piece of myself that is bridging the gap between me and the darkness that lurks within me. It is the piece of myself that I have let lie dormant for so long that it is going to take time to coax it out. However, the taste of peace and love and joy I have had are all worth well, everything. I have begun meditating regularly and there has been other stuff happened which I will reveal later but just know we are all on the path to enlightenment we just have to want it more than the fear of the unknown that plagues us all…

TO BE CONTINUED…

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THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE PART 1

Okay So here goes nothing. I have never held much stock in the paranormal, supernatural, psychic, or anything else the world would deem weird and unusual. Despite these sort of things continuously happening to me.

Being raised in a home where abuse was a common occurrence. I always chalked it up to my environment and letting my imagination run wild. I would talk myself out of what I saw, what I felt, what I touched.

Add to the fact that I was raised Pentecostal. I knew from an early age these things were bad or “evil”. I didn’t need the added stress as according to my mother everything I did, I was going to hell for anyway.

I spent so much of my time fearing the unknown, fearing the dreams I had that always came true, fearing the strong feelings I had about something or someone that came to fruition. I never stopped to ask the question… Why was this happening to me?

I let fear win out so many times and as such, I have learned recently that like attracts like and so the more negativity that surrounded me the more I attracted. Growing up with so much pain and negativity, of course, I have only ever had negative experiences with the “paranormal”. I have always been a glass is half empty kind of girl. So the odds have been against me from day one.

You may not believe me but I have had experiences that can not be explained. Yet, between the background and the whole religious aspect of it all, I have been terrified to find out the truth.

and the truth is…it is a part of me.

I woke up a few weeks ago voracious for information on telepathy, esp, being an empath, the works. Then I somehow found myself in a bookstore I have been wanting to go to for over a year in a part of town I never go and as fate would have it, it was right across the street from a psychic.

Being brave for the first time in my life I fought the instinct that has been hammered into me for the whole of my life to run and went in. I even got reading done. Going into this mind you with the mindset that this was all a waste of time I was shocked to my core when she revealed things about me that only I knew. Only I felt.

I knew there was a part of me that always seemed to be missing a part of me that I couldn’t quite figure out. Which always made me feel empty and that there was a void in the vastness of my soul. She revealed the answer to me that in retrospect I knew all along. She said that I was an emotional and physical empath, not just an empath that I was a full-blown medium. It was and is a part of who I am and as long as I continue to reject that part of myself. I would never be a whole person.

She told me that she could see why I would attract such negative energies to me considering my painful past and this is what floored me one look in her eyes after she spoke these things was as if she could see into the very depths of my past. Within a blink of an eye, she knew it all. At that moment I knew what was missing and I was terrified all over again.

After I left her office. I was very drained but as I looked out at the bustling streets it was as if I was seeing everything for the very first time. It was as if I had been walking around in my very own black and white movie and now there was COLOR!

Colors I had never seen before everything was sharper more vivid as if I had finally woken from a long dream that never made sense until now. Yet, in the back of my mind, a new fear was taking shape that because I had closed that part of me off for so long would I ever get it back again? I have been taking steps to open that part of me up again to find my “third eye” if you will, and it so far has been magical. Fear be damned. It’s not about being able to talk to the dead, or knowing when something is going to happen anymore. It is about being my true self, whatever that may mean. I have already had a couple of great experiences while learning to meditate, and suddenly I feel like an addict who needs another hit.

I never expected the sheer peace and joy and happiness that could come with something as simple as meditating if only for a moment. I now feel I am connected to everything the grass, the trees, the sun, the moon, the stars. It is all a part of me and I a part of it. I know some of you out there are thinking “man, she has lost her mind”, but I no longer care what the world thinks it is my spiritual path and no one can take that away from me, and to quote one of my favorite movies, that talked about ghosts, and demons and the like .”You better believe in them because they believe in you.”

However, for those of you that believe any advice would be great. As I am a newbie to all of this I am not quite sure I am doing anything right. Save for the angel that I now know is one of many of my guides that has always been standing just to my left permanently attached to me since the day I was born. With his white-hot energy and his glass tipped wings. I know I must have done something right in that first meditation.

There is more to come as I will be sharing each of my experiences with you all. All I can say is let the journey begin…

Good night and sweet dreams…

 

LINGERS

The scent of you lingers, in the air as I snuggle in deeper into the blanket, I breathe you in.

My mind is a sea of cotton candy after being taken to the heights of ecstasy in your arms just moments ago.

I smile at the remembered taste of your lips upon mine, we devoured one another till our passion rose to a fevered pitch.

Funny how one perfect kiss can change…everything.

I can still feel your rough work calloused fingertips caressing my soft supple skin. Goosebumps begin to surface where your fingers once were.

I don’t know what turned me on more the sheer contrast between your fingertips and my bare skin, or the fact that your hands only got that way because you were providing for your family.

I stretch like a lazy feline, already missing the weight of you across my body, as I inhale you in once more.

With my body now aching in only the most delicious spots, it becomes heavy and I begin to drift off, anticipating our next “nap time” while the scent of you lingers on your pillow long after it has grown cold.

 

 

 

NETFLIX AND CHILL

I just saw the cutest movie on NETFLIX. It was the usual guy meets girl romance with a twist they had known each other their whole lives and then one day realized they loved one another. It was what I think of as the perfect romantic comedy. There was endless fighting, in the beginning, but it was the fighting two people do when they have feelings for each other. They are not necessarily fighting each other so much as their feelings and that is what makes a good romantic comedy. You see the yearning for one another in their eyes and the way they watch each other it leaves you hanging on the edge of your seat and you are aching for just one on-screen kiss. So that by the time they do get together you are practically crying from relief.

Then there is the sex! Yes, there are some really great even dare I say it, Classic movies with no sex but I always feel at the end of the movie there was something missing. No, I am not a perv but at least one great sex scene would make any movie. It is not dirty sex mind you, it is the moment you realize it just became harder for one of them to walk away from each other because as we all know sex complicates, everything. Or in the case of a really, really good movie it is the moment that seals the two together in a forever kind of way.  Isn’t that every girl’s dream? To be someone’s,  forever.

Then there is always, always, always some sort of fallout and if you are anything like me when it comes to these movies you are watching the fall out with some sort of horror that this may be the one movie that ends with the two characters you have already invested the last 90 minutes or so getting to know and rooting for to not get back together. However true to any great romantic comedy, they will always, always, always, realize this person is their life, their soul, their everything and in some sort of dramatic fashion will profess their love for the other and usually this is where the movie ends with the two holding each other with a forever kind of embrace.

There is almost always that scene where the guy chases the girl in the rain and begs her to love him, while tears stream down his face. Why the rain? You ask. Because it is sooooo hot! Have you had a moment in the rain? Those movies are the best, but it also perpetuates the fantasy that the men are always in the wrong, that is why this movie was soooo much better. Both the guy and the girl had their own moment in the spotlight to confess their, true feelings to one another. As they were both being stupid and wrong? I have noticed through the years more women are the ones in movies running through the airport to profess their undying love, or running through the rain to profess their undying love. Or something very dramatic, but it is usually one of the two, right?

These fantasy movies even now that I am grown still give me a sense of whimsy and make me think anything is possible. I am always a little sad when they end because I usually don’t feel as if I have ever had that moment where he takes me in his arms and confesses his soul to me. Or had the playfulness of a dating experience knowing he would do anything to make me happy. Maybe that ‘s why I love country music so much it is raw to the bone either all about his love for her or his wishing death upon her.

Yet, this little teen movie I couldn’t stop watching over and over this weekend made me realize with a chuckle. I have had these great moments! I have been kissed in the rain at night, while he confessed to no longer being able to fight his attraction to me.

I have had very, very, very steaming sex, even been proposed to after our own fallout of course, and he even professed his undying love for me as he was down on bended knee. Some things we tend to forget in life, but it is nice when you are reminded of just how much your life has truly been like a romantic comedy, of sorts. Just how green your grass really is on this side of the fence.

I love my husband and while he is not a starry-eyed romantic like me when he is romantic, lookout! I realized in the course of the movie that he is my own personal brooding bad boy. Once a bad boy gives his heart away it’s, forever, and changes his ways all for her. He would do anything and everything for her, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Funny how badly I got teased as a kid for putting too much faith in these romantic comedies because they were just fantasy. Even my own mother would laugh at me for believing in such nonsense, something as fictional as a “romantic comedy”. According to her real love doesn’t exist the way it does in the movies. Maybe that’s why she is on husband number THREE!!!!!!!!!!!! All  I can say is after twenty years of being together and almost seventeen being married, WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, MOM!

If you love romantic comedies check out THE KISSING BOOTH ON NETFLIX TODAY!

 

 

 

MEMOIRS

Soooo. I had a book reading for my book at the bookstore that I do all my open mike nights at. The book that I have been working on for nearly 2 years and is now for sale on Barnes and Noble and Amazon. In case you are new to my blog, it is called MEMOIRS OF A BIRTH MOTHER. 

I advertised for over a month of the upcoming event and even had a lot of people say they were coming that didn’t but in the end, it was a spectacular day. My family who never took me seriously showed up to support me and that in and of itself was heartwarming.

My reading was the day before mother’s day and if any of you have read any of my book it is about the struggle I had in giving my daughter up for adoption over 20 years ago. There is even a chapter in there that goes over that first mothers day and how hard it was for me after giving her up.

I do have a relationship with my daughter now once she hit 18 we were able to exchange information and we, text and talk al the time. I even had the privilege of meeting her for the first time since she was 18 months old toward the end of last summer and it was amazing!

She even talked about coming to my reading all the way from Texas in the military and now 5 months pregnant. Yet the closer the reading got she dropped hints that she wasn’t coming. I was disappointed sure, but I understood.

Then the big day was finally here and not a lot of people showed but as it was the day before mother’s day again I  understood that they may have other plans. Seconds before I was to take the stage already in terrified mode. A flurry of pink catches my eye from the window and there she was. My daughter and her husband walking into my little bookstore in a town she had never been in like a boss!

I instantly burst into tears and wanted so badly to cancel the reading just to spend time with her but I didn’t. As they say, the show must go on and so what felt like mere seconds of hugging her tightly and crying I excused myself to the bathroom and regrouped.

The reading went off without a hitch and as I sat there reading about one of the most difficult times in my life. While my daughter sat there in front of me was, indescribable. She had already read the book and I knew this but to actually be reading about the hardest thing I have even gone through with the very person that stole my heart so long ago was a different kind of animal altogether.

I have talked about how writing this book has set me free of a past that haunted me daily before but at this moment, I truly felt the freedom I had been spouting for the last year and a half. The past was truly melting away with the words I had written that were now being expunged from my mouth. My emotions were at an all-time high and it was as if my daughter and I relived this past together. For one brief moment, we were one again.

Even, though a lot of people didn’t show they missed out because everyone that did show came to me after the reading was over and said that they were glad they got to witness such heartbreaking beauty. They all bore witness and lived my past pain with me, and it seemed for the first time they understood my pain and all I had gone through so long ago. It was more than I ever expected in my very first reading.

I have had some horrible moments in my life (more than most), I have even had some spectacular moments in my life but this day, blew every day I have ever had before it good or bad out of the water. To know that I have so many people in my life that cared enough about me to show for the event and then there was my daughter. My entire reasoning behind the book in the first place. As I said in my book she is and always will be the very first love of my life.

To know that we are in such a good place that she would travel to Kansas City all the way from Texas even if it were for only a few hours just to support me is the single most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. As you might know, if you have read some of my previous blogs. I have never had a good relationship with my own mother and I never thought in my wildest dreams I would have the kind of relationship I do with my daughter considering I didn’t raise her. Yet, for her to come out and support me… I must have done something right!

In conclusion, I just wanted to share with you guys the best mother’s day weekend of all my 22 years of being a mother. And if you want to check out the reading it was recorded live on Facebook check it out or you can just buy the book it is only in print on Amazon though. I will add the cover below have a spectacular day!

 

The link below is for Amazon

The link below is for Barnes and Noble!

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/memoirs-of-a-birth-mother-angela-appleby/1127755259?ean=2940158983825

 

 

MORAL OF THE STORY…

I came across an article tonight while browsing through Facebook and it was terrifying. It was about these Russian Scientists who had supposedly found a specific gas that kept people awake indefinitely. So they tested it on 5 inmates or people they had chosen that were (enemies of the state) and told them if they stayed awake for 30 days they would be freed.

They locked them in a sealed room and began pumping this gas into it. After just a few short days the “inmates” began exhibiting weird behavior. By the time 15 days of sleep deprivation, they were all but mad. They had even begun eating their own flesh like zombies instead of the food they were provided. Their bodies even became unrecognizable to the Scientists.

They were little more than living breathing nightmares. Who after the Scientists decided they had had enough turned the gas off the “inmates” begged for it to be turned back on because they did not want to go to sleep. At this part of the story, I asked the question were they so intent on getting free they would risk everything even their humanity to be free? Or were they simply addicted to the noxious gas at this point?

Anyway, after the government took over and began testing the “inmates” as soon as they put them to sleep their hearts gave out and died one by one till there was only one left. Who begged and pleaded to be put back in the room and gassed. The governor obliged and as one military operative couldn’t stand to be around the “monster” he killed the governor and then attempted to kill the monster, saying he would not be locked in here with these things.

But before he did he asked the “monster” “what are you?” The thing that used to be just a man that was now some sort of beast looked up at the soldier and said simultaneously the most chilling thing I have ever heard and one of the most poetic. He said,

“How quickly you forget.” “We are you,” he continued. The researcher could only watch in horror as the prisoner explained what he had become, “WE ARE THE MADNESS THAT LURKS WITHIN YOU ALL, BEGGING TO BE FREE AT EVERY MOMENT IN YOUR DEEPEST ANIMAL MIND. WE ARE WHAT YOU HIDE FROM IN YOUR BEDS EVERY NIGHT. WE ARE WHAT YOU SEDATE INTO SILENCE AND PARALYSIS WHEN YOU GO TO THE NOCTURNAL HAVEN WHERE WE CANNOT TREAD.”

The story goes on to tell that this story is a possible hoax but the moral of the story is to get some sleep. However, I think this passage alone paints a different moral to the story.

We are all just animals trying to survive. How quickly we tend to forget that there is a certain madness to us all. Deep deep down there is a primal part of us that even we ourselves will not admit to, or see. We see this madness leak out and take over all the time. You just have to turn on the news to see it. It is by our will and the grace of God that the world is not plunged into chaos at every turn. I imagine this will be what the end of days are like brother, sister, mother, father, husband, wife, all falling prey to the madness that lurks inside of us. It will be the few that are strong enough mentally to be able to stand in the presence of God that will be forgiven for the ultimate sin of giving in to our basic human nature.

I get told I am crazy all the time, but very few have ever seen actual crazy. Being driven mad by your own thoughts. Your mind breaking and betraying you. Leading you into a false sense of freedom that will never truly exist. Watching as someone goes from loving and kind to an ax-wielding murderer. Witness the moment their mind snaps and fractures, never to be whole again.

It is a sobering thought that I have come close a time or two. To be able to say Fuck it and let the insanity take hold. Yet, I knew I would never be me again if I let it take me. So I clung to the thread of sanity I had and for what seemed like the millionth time became wholly me again.

I know what it takes to pull yourself back from the brink of insanity. I have stared down that particular abyss many a time. I don’t judge anyone’s inability to not pull themselves back from the brink. I just think there should be more of us that have come close, to be there for the ones that do. After all, we are all animals, just a different species is all.

The moral of the Russian story should be not to get more sleep, but to remember we are all driven to madness once in a while. It is what we do in those times that the darkness has become a reality that separates us from the rest of the animals in the world.

SCARS

I was sitting in the hospital four days ago waiting for the results of my X-rays when the nurse popped in and asked me the most peculiar question. First, she told me that my foot had, had a piece of bone chipped off the 5th bone that connects to my pinkie toe. She was told to ask me if it was an old fracture as it appeared to be old. As I have never had this happen before I told her there was no possible way it was old. Plus the fact that my foot is purple and black and swelled up so bad it looks as if there is a softball under the skin it had to be a recent fracture right?

As they continued my treatment I was asked a couple more times by the X-ray tech and the Dr. if it was an old fracture. I was positive it was new and they set me up for a follow up in 3 to 5 days and sent me on my way.

What I neglected to tell them though was that by the time they asked a third time I wasn’t so sure anymore if the chipped bone was old or new. You see when I was young my mother was abusive once I remember having my head bashed into the carpet so many times I thought she might have broken my nose. After it happened she basically told me that she was sorry but that I shouldn’t push her to that point. Really? I was like 7 or 8. After several days of swelling, I forgot about the pain and the whole incident.

Then several years ago, over twenty years after the incident. I went to the Dr. for one thing or another and he took one look at my nose and asked how long it had been since it had been broken. All the pain and memories from that day came flooding back to me.

Fast forward to four days ago with the incessant questioning about a possible past fracture and I was right back there in the other Dr’s office finding out that my nose had indeed been broken before.

With my memory so splintered over a past, I have repeatedly tried to forget. Maybe it is just another memory lurking in the back of my mind. Waiting to be revealed when I least expect it. It sends a chill of fright down my spine to think there are memories I have suppressed or forgotten. Considering the ones I do remember are the stuff of nightmares.  How much worse can they get, honestly?

It just goes to show no matter how much you try to leave the past in the past, as they say, sometimes your memory will betray you. I have found though, past memories revealing themselves in small increments have helped me move on from them, and while it stung to think I had gotten another broken bone from my mother that I have no memory of it didn’t completely destroy me either. My friend stated that “the scars we receive as children, shape us into the adults we become.”  At first, I hated the thought of this concept but as yet, another layer of my past is peeled back like a scab on a dirty knee. I revel in it. These scars let me know I have been through something and I survived it.

I smile at each and every one of them because I am alive and for the most part of sound mind. I guess the scars we receive as children, really do shape us into the adults we become. It is just important to not let them break you in the end.

I guess I am, healing after all!