Lone Survivor

I have become obsessed with the past. Last night. I was up until the wee hours of the morning just staring into the hazy memories. It got me wondering have you lost sleep over me too?

I cannot for the life of me remember what you smell like. Or the taste of your lips upon mine, but I do remember the way you made me feel. I went from being cradled in your arms safe and secure to insignificant and small.

You brought out a wildness in me I never knew. One moment we were carefree and discovering the mysteries of the world together and the next we were two strangers staring into the abyss of, nothingness.

For so long I hated you and all you represent. Your name was like acid dripping off my tongue and turned to ashes in my mouth.  Now there is just a dull ache over…what might of been.

If only you had been different if only I had been different. If only. I only now realize why I hated you so much. It wasn’t all the horrible things you did. It was that you somehow managed to set me free of my gilded cage and in turn, you tried to trap me in another.

While I raged for many years, in the end, your hold wasn’t strong enough to contain me. The day I let you go was the dawn of a new day. I may not have seen it right away but that was the day I was set free.

Set free of my earthbound shackles and I much like the caterpillar emerging as a beautiful butterfly. I took to the skies. I was able to soar above the wreckage that was you and me. A little singed but taking flight nonetheless.

I was beautiful in all my damaged glory. Wearing my scars like badges for all the world to see. Now as I look back on our strangled past. I smile as it gave me the strength to fly high, it gave me the wisdom to know I am worthy of flying.

As a Phoenix, I rose from the ashes of our intrepid past and overcame you, and then, myself. You became my nightmare, my demon in the dark. Now I see I had to experience you to get to me.

Alone in the darkness, I am no longer afraid. This past of which I face I have come to realize there is no more us, there is no more you, it’s just me standing tall and proud. The lone survivor of a distant memory.





I  struggle to keep a straight face as I walk over the bodies that continue to pile up around me. Fodder for my cause, I step over them with sword, in hand. My smile seems to leak out of my face of its own volition. I can’t help it, I am high on the freedom their deaths have brought me. I am a modern-day Joan of Arc and as I swing my blade I cut them down with one heady swipe.

Just as swiftly as the crimson drips from its serrated edge, so do they fall. My enemies, the ner do wells, the fictitious believers with all their righteous causes. It is the thing that makes me smile in the wake of such tragedy. To think that I was able to cut through the bullshit and come out of it the sole victor. To be able to “rise above” so to speak and be the one left standing long after the smoke has cleared and their towers of glass have shattered.

They thought they had me and for a while, they indeed had me on the run. I, however, persevered, “to the victor goes the spoil”  so they say, as I donned my chainmail and breastplate I took up my sword and drew the line in the sand, I went to war! Chopping down every last one of my enemies till there was nothing left, reduced to nothing more than ashes, where once hypocrisy stood.

I am now free of their accusatory tone. Their, negative energy that saps the life out of everything around them. Leaving nothing in their wake but a desolate wasteland of misery and pain. I now stand tall, on the rotting corpses of all that have gone before me. Now fallen at my feet, as if to praise me for my sins. Now washed clean from their lifeless shells. I stand alone, it is my time to dream my dreams and make them my reality.  So I take up my sword, filled with ink and nothing else but my smile I face, the world.


He and I were there together laughing and playing in the moonlight as if, we had forever. My darkness and I. He used to tease me that it takes a special kind to have this much fun with him as I do. Yet, I never seemed to have that much fun. He was always getting me into trouble and I would feel guilty right after any adventure we set out on together. However, I felt a freedom with him I have never felt with anyone. My darkness comforts me when no one else will. He is the one constant in my life I know I can count on. When I am sad he is there, when I am depressed he is there, when I want to howl at the moon and draw blood, yes, he is there. Laughing with me as I commit my heinous crimes. If only he were real! If only he were the man in my life I have desperately been trying to find. Maybe then I could live happily ever after. He says things to me only a true love could, I even dream about him coming to me in my dreams all dark and mysterious taking me to the heights of passion but I am afraid his price is too high for me.

He caressed my face and then said,”I want to be buried deep inside you. I want to seep into your pores and leak out of your skin. I want to be a part of the very fabric of who you are. I want to be climb into your heart and be one with your soul! “I am in awe of you my maddening darkness! How you leave me breathless with your words! I feel as if I am the only person in the world that can evoke such things from his illuminating mouth. Even if the words are tinged with a little bit of psychopath. He is mine and I am his. For we are in fact, one in the same.  I CLUTCH him to me as we stroll off into oblivion together. FOREVER.



<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/clutch/”>Clutch</a&gt;




My daughter saved my life! Several times. The first time was the day she was born. The day I first held her 4lb. 17 oz body so close to mine. It was as if we had the same heartbeat and it was wonderful. She had hair the color of obsidian and one of the curliest heads of hair I have ever seen, save for my own. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on. She literally took my breath away with how much I instantly loved this tiny stranger. The tears poured down my face as I stared, fascinated by her beauty. One thought kept running through my mind. I could NEVER be my mother! The tears continued to flow freely while I began to rock the gorgeous newborn in my arms. Holding her so delicately. She was my little angel sent from above, to give me the answer to that ultimate question that had been plaguing me for the entirety of my life. The question I had been asking myself for the past nineteen years “Will I end up like my mother?” In that moment, the answer opened her eyes and looked at me with those crystal blue orbs. In that moment, the answer was perfectly clear, NEVER!

I began this book as a sort of purge if you will. It was a way to expel my demons and maybe a little guilt. I have since learned through the course of writing it that I was so angry over the past that for a time my judgment was cloudy. I cannot even begin to describe the journey this has taken me on emotionally, physically, and mentally. Walking down memory lane during one of the worst times in my life has been exhausting, to say the least. This story started out as a mere blog, a way for me to face my past and try to finally move on from it. Then I realized, there is no moving on from my past. Yes, I can heal from it, and learn to recover, but my past is what made me, well, me! It took all the past hardships and pain to be who I became and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. My past is what defined me, my past is what made me stronger, and yes, it may be well and truly in the past now, but it can never be forgotten. It is the thing that branded my soul, the thing that changed me in ways no one can ever understand, it is the thing that made me a better person. This journey I have embarked on was not what I was expecting but along the way I have found pieces of myself thought lost to me. It has affected my mind, my soul, my heart. Yes, there were moments writing this book when my past demons became too much and I thought “I can’t do this” but in the end, it was well worth it. To expose my past and relive one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure because what I received in return has left me speechless at times.  This book has become so much more than a simple purge of the past. It became about self- growth, and self- discovery, and the realization that somewhere along the way I have stopped running from a past that haunted me daily. The moment I heard those first furtive cries from my daughter, I became a mother. The fact that someone else raised her is just semantics.

I have been through so many horrible things in my life that this just seemed like another blip on the radar, that is my life. Yet, now as I look back at all the memories. I see that I am braver, kinder, and stronger. It took going through something no one should have to go through and for me to come out of it alive to see that, I don’t break so easily. This book has become a part of me, it is me, and I haven’t let it or the past break me. I have more strength and courage than even I knew. To be able to relive a part of my past that would have killed someone else is just, insane! Somehow though I made it through and I hope it helps someone out there that is struggling to cope with their loss as well. It is a tiny death we mother’s feel even if, we are the one that made the decision to give our child up. It may be a tiny death but one that will haunt us forever if we let it. Up until now, that is exactly what has been happening to me. A haunting of epic proportions and I gotta say now that it is out there a relief I haven’t felt in years has washed over me.

This is my story. The story of my heartbreaking soul-shattering journey. The choice I made in giving my child up for adoption. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my entire life. There was crying, screaming, and pure agony. I felt as if I would never love something so much again. I am telling my story because it matters. Because you never hear the mother’s side of things. No one can fully know what you have been through in this situation unless they have gone through it themselves.

It is the most gut-wrenching thing a woman can go through. I have been silent for too long. For too long I have lived in darkness over the choice I made. For too long I have sat quietly by and listened to the judgment of others. Just because I gave her up doesn’t mean I didn’t, I don’t love her. I write this for her, I write this for myself, I write this for any mother that has had to give her child away. I write this with the hope that I can reach others who have suffered like me. If I could help just one person… Help them cope with the most difficult challenge of their lives. To let them know that they are not alone. To let them see that there is a light at the end of that very dark, very long, tunnel. That life does go on after doing what is right for their child. I want you to know I am here for you. We are taking this journey together. WE ARE THE BIRTH MOMS!