BIRTH MOTHER INTRODUCTION

 

Introduction

My daughter saved my life! Several times. The first time was the day she was born. The day I first held her 4lb. 17 oz body so close to mine. It was as if we had the same heartbeat and it was wonderful. She had hair the color of obsidian and one of the curliest heads of hair I have ever seen, save for my own. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on. She literally took my breath away with how much I instantly loved this tiny stranger. The tears poured down my face as I stared, fascinated by her beauty. One thought kept running through my mind. I could NEVER be my mother! The tears continued to flow freely while I began to rock the gorgeous newborn in my arms. Holding her so delicately. She was my little angel sent from above, to give me the answer to that ultimate question that had been plaguing me for the entirety of my life. The question I had been asking myself for the past nineteen years “Will I end up like my mother?” In that moment, the answer opened her eyes and looked at me with those crystal blue orbs. In that moment, the answer was perfectly clear, NEVER!

I began this book as a sort of purge if you will. It was a way to expel my demons and maybe a little guilt. I have since learned through the course of writing it that I was so angry over the past that for a time my judgment was cloudy. I cannot even begin to describe the journey this has taken me on emotionally, physically, and mentally. Walking down memory lane during one of the worst times in my life has been exhausting, to say the least. This story started out as a mere blog, a way for me to face my past and try to finally move on from it. Then I realized, there is no moving on from my past. Yes, I can heal from it, and learn to recover, but my past is what made me, well, me! It took all the past hardships and pain to be who I became and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. My past is what defined me, my past is what made me stronger, and yes, it may be well and truly in the past now, but it can never be forgotten. It is the thing that branded my soul, the thing that changed me in ways no one can ever understand, it is the thing that made me a better person. This journey I have embarked on was not what I was expecting but along the way I have found pieces of myself thought lost to me. It has affected my mind, my soul, my heart. Yes, there were moments writing this book when my past demons became too much and I thought “I can’t do this” but in the end, it was well worth it. To expose my past and relive one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure because what I received in return has left me speechless at times.  This book has become so much more than a simple purge of the past. It became about self- growth, and self- discovery, and the realization that somewhere along the way I have stopped running from a past that haunted me daily. The moment I heard those first furtive cries from my daughter, I became a mother. The fact that someone else raised her is just semantics.

I have been through so many horrible things in my life that this just seemed like another blip on the radar, that is my life. Yet, now as I look back at all the memories. I see that I am braver, kinder, and stronger. It took going through something no one should have to go through and for me to come out of it alive to see that, I don’t break so easily. This book has become a part of me, it is me, and I haven’t let it or the past break me. I have more strength and courage than even I knew. To be able to relive a part of my past that would have killed someone else is just, insane! Somehow though I made it through and I hope it helps someone out there that is struggling to cope with their loss as well. It is a tiny death we mother’s feel even if, we are the one that made the decision to give our child up. It may be a tiny death but one that will haunt us forever if we let it. Up until now, that is exactly what has been happening to me. A haunting of epic proportions and I gotta say now that it is out there a relief I haven’t felt in years has washed over me.

This is my story. The story of my heartbreaking soul-shattering journey. The choice I made in giving my child up for adoption. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my entire life. There was crying, screaming, and pure agony. I felt as if I would never love something so much again. I am telling my story because it matters. Because you never hear the mother’s side of things. No one can fully know what you have been through in this situation unless they have gone through it themselves.

It is the most gut-wrenching thing a woman can go through. I have been silent for too long. For too long I have lived in darkness over the choice I made. For too long I have sat quietly by and listened to the judgment of others. Just because I gave her up doesn’t mean I didn’t, I don’t love her. I write this for her, I write this for myself, I write this for any mother that has had to give her child away. I write this with the hope that I can reach others who have suffered like me. If I could help just one person… Help them cope with the most difficult challenge of their lives. To let them know that they are not alone. To let them see that there is a light at the end of that very dark, very long, tunnel. That life does go on after doing what is right for their child. I want you to know I am here for you. We are taking this journey together. WE ARE THE BIRTH MOMS!

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ALL OF ME

All of Me
What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh oh
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world
     I never really listened to this song before and today I listened to it. Between the lyrics and the tone of the music, it is in a word beautiful. We all go through life looking for this, this one person out there that accepts us as we are and loves all of us with all of them. It is something some of us spend a lifetime searching for, yet most of us never find. It is a select few that seem to find their perfect match. Their one true love, that one person you can’t breathe without them. It reminds me of the fairy tale I saw as love when I was a child. That love was some kind of perfect entity all on it’s own. That nothing could break a couple if they were truly in love.
   However for some it I have found it is hard to hold on to that lightening in a bottle and let the flame go out due to one reason or another. They let life get in the way and that is a shame, because the fairy tale isn’t really a fairy tale. If you find that one true person that knows your heart, that one person that see and “love all your curves and edges”, that  “all your perfect imperfections” then you should hold on tight and never let them go. The one that thinks you are their end and their beginning even when they lose their winning because you are by their side. It is a beautiful thing, to be that person they need.
   I have found that, and I refuse to let go. After a lifetime of frogs, I have found my prince. We have been together for many years now and after all the graying of hair, the weight gain, the wrinkles he still looks at me as if I am that girl that walked toward him down the aisle in the fairy tale wedding gown. I am grateful for that. We have weathered many storms together and it has only made us stronger. Unlike the fairy tale a real relationship takes work. If it someone that truly knows your heart it is always worth the effort. As someone that had a rough life previous to us getting together, I am eternally grateful. Thank you, Jason, for loving all my perfect imperfections, All of me will always love all of you…

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

Wow! I can’t believe I’m here right now! It is has been one year since my very first blog post! I started this because as you know if you have been following my blogs. Ever since I could hold a pencil in my hand and write with clarity. I have wanted to be a writer. I have a story to tell and fear has held me hostage until now! If you had told me a little over a year ago that I would be blogging now for a year! I would have said, “you are crazy”.

I have learned a lot of things this year I have had memories resurface I never thought would. I have had emotional highs and lows due to said memories. I have learned a lot about myself.  I have learned that I am not to blame for others failures, and I have found  a sort of peace within myself.The bile no longer rises to my throat every time one of the “bad memories” surface and I feel as if I am finally free of the past.

I have become addicted to the sound my computer makes as I type in the thoughts now  flowing through me and it is an amazing feeling. To be able to see my thoughts down in black and white and don’t get me started on all my fellow bloggers.

It has been one year since my very first post and since that day. I have acquired over a hundred followers. None of you will ever know what it means to me that you took the time to click that little button to follow me. I know I have earned each and every one of you due to my writing merits.  100 may not seem like much after one year but when you start at zero and don’t expect much 100 is the world. I appreciate each and every one of you so thank you.

I would like to give a shout out to my bestie Crystal without you. I would never have had the courage to write and I will be indebted to you forever because of that. You were the only person in all my 39 years to say. “Yes you can do this,” I have never known a support like that and as you know there is always a place in my heart for you. In my darkest hours you were there, when I felt like I was nothing, you were there. I just hope I have been as good a friend to you as you have been to me. You helped me see that glimmer of myself I thought would never emerge. I am here writing this today because of you.

Adriia, you have quickly become my number two friend in this past year. Without you, I would have never known WordPress existed and with that my love affair with blogging began. You too will always be in my thoughts simply by being you.

All the others that have supported me along the way and you know who you are I thank you. For those of you that have bought my book all 9 of you thank you. It may not be a lot but it is for a nobody! I am not discouraged I just need to get my name out there.  It has been a very illuminating year for me and you have no idea how much I cherish your support. I have never felt more loved as I do in this moment.

I have been writing my autobiography and I may need to take a step back if only for a little while on my blogs. I will still post prompts but I have been distracted by all the “DAILY PROMPTS”. It has become an obsession of mine. I turn on my computer or pull up my email, anxiously waiting for the word prompt of the day! I need to focus more on my book and it is a bit overwhelming to do both at the same time. I would like to post some of my book if but a paragraph or two. Just to get some feedback. If that is okay with you guys. I will also be posting the link to my book on here and the link to my very first post. For those of you, that didn’t catch it the first time around.

This is it, I have no pearls of wisdom today. I have  no pithy or witty comments. I am just basking in the knowledge that I have stuck with this for a year! Doing what I love and making people laugh, and cry at what I have written. That is the dream after all. To make people see and feel what I write. Not just some words on the page. I am embarking on yet another journey here one that I hope will be as great as this past year has been.  I am actually looking forward to the  next year and all that it will bring. I could never say that before and I owe it all to you my WordPress family through the love and support you have given me. Until we meet again…

Below is the link to my first and only book so far! It is supernatural and I love it! Only 99 cents at Barnes And Noble as an ebook! It is a short read but there are many more to come in this series. If you don;t have a Barnes And Noble account it is free. All you need to do is open an account and then to read it. Just download the nook app on your phone, tablet, or computer also free. Unless you actually have a nook then just go in and download my 99 cents quick read.

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/slim-pickings-angela-appleby/1123285924?ean=2940157993566

Originally posted one year ago today here is my very first post link! I hope you like reading it as much as I liked writing.  Bare witness to my first published work to the world ever. The day my obsession began.It is THE FRIEND!

https://angelaappleby09.wordpress.com/2015/05/29/the-friend/

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

I love this movie! I have seen it about 15 times now! For some reason, I have always loved movies where there is major destruction to tall buildings and national symbols. (Let em set the record straight I would be devastated if this happened in real life! Case in point the twin towers).

On the other hand, movies with all that destruction are awesome! For some reason, the Statue of Liberty always gets jacked up or buried or something! I am starting to feel sorry for the green lady! It may be my past or something creepy in me but I just love these kinds of movies! Every time I watch this movie I tear up in the exact same spots every single time! As I was watching it this time, however, I felt different, I felt things I haven’t felt in this particular movie before!

I was grief stricken in the beginning and the middle I was cringing when people started to die just from going outside! It was the struggle mankind face as a whole. These storms didn’t care what color you were, they didn’t care if you were a good person, they didn’t care if you had a family or not. There was no discrimination only devastation to all of mankind!

The sheer desperation and lengths the dad goes to to reach his son. It is amazing! The son being sorta estranged from his father he knows in the moment his dad says,”I will come for you”. He will keep that promise at all costs.

The moment he actually tracks him down and they actually lay eyes on each other for the first time since the world changed is Priceless! I felt the hug these two men shared between them. It was a moment of pure relief and love. I am already tearing up yet again!

One scene I never really got before was the book burnings to keep warm. Maybe its my blogging and writing for almost a year now that has also fine-tuned my listening skills, because as many times as I have seen this movie. I heard this part, but never really heard it! (You know what I mean) and I was moved! Moved to the very core of me! I will just recreate this little bit for you:

ELSA: WHAT’VE YOU GOT THERE?

JEREMY: THE GUTENBERG BIBLE… IT WAS IN THE RARE BOOK ROOM.

ELSA: THINK GOD’S GONNA SAVE YOU?

JEREMY: NO…I DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD.

ELSA: YOU’RE HOLDING ON TO THAT BIBLE PRETTY TIGHT.

JEREMY: I’M PROTECTING IT. {PAUSE AS ELSA GLANCES AT J.D THROWING BOOKS ON THE FIRE}

JEREMY: THIS BIBLE… IS THE FIRST BOOK EVER PRINTED. IT REPRESENTS… THE DAWN OF THE AGE OF REASON. AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED, THE WRITTEN WORD IS MANKIND’S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT. {ELSA GIVES A SNORT} 

JEREMY: YOU CAN LAUGH… BUT IF WESTERN CIVILIZATION IS FINISHED… I’M GONNA SAVE AT LEAST ONE LITTLE PIECE OF IT.

This spoke volumes to me! (Ha! no pun intended)! Maybe that is why I love to write because long after I’m gone my thoughts and stories will go on and if the written word is indeed mankind’s greatest achievement! Then whoa! I am ready to join those ranks!

At the end of the movie in the aftermath of the storms that changes the face of our planet. After the son and father reunite and are rescued. You begin to see that even though these massive storms should have wiped them all out there are survivors!  Lots of them. It makes me think of the part in JURASSIC PARK. When they find the hatchling eggshells they say,“Life will find a way”. 

Life indeed found a way in both movies! As humanity begins to band together in “DAY AFTER TOMORROW”. It warmed my heart! We as the human race have been through so much throughout history. Yet we found a way to rise above through the horrible things that have befallen us. We found a way to survive against all odds!

Maybe the reason I love these kinds of movies isn’t the devastation in them but our uncompromising will to live and that humanity can come together as one in the face of great tragedy. Maybe it is the way it gives me hope for mankind!

If we are still making movies that can move me like this. Then I have every hope we can all come together and do anything! I just hope that it doesn’t take a devastation to our planet before we can wake up and realize. We are stronger together, we can defeat anything if we are all one! We need to start changing our hearts and our minds today! Not the day after tomorrow…

 

 

FRIDAY I’M IN LOVE!

Friday I’m in love! I have more than one reason why Friday’s are special to me. First of all the obvious. it’s Friday which means we get the whole weekend to figure out how to get rich enough that we do not  have to go to work on Monday! Ha Ha! That’s my dream anyway.

The second is my childhood. I have told many stories of my life and the horrors I faced as my mother’s child but there were some good times too. Like Friday Nights! For some reason, most Friday’s my mother was in a good mood it was like you could tell she was actually happy the weekend had come.

I lived in a really small town, I mean really small and there was never anything to do. So when we got the brand new Blockbuster Video in town it was a big, huge, deal. The three of us my mother, brother, and I would go check out one movie each. It was awesome. Who knew all those years ago we would be saying Blockbuster who? Today!

A few years later we moved to the other side of town where we could walk to the locally owned video store which was way cheaper than Blockbuster and they had Nintendo games too! Wow! I am really aging myself here! The movies were only $1.oo to rent and you could keep them several days! It was heaven! I think, no, I know this is where I get my love of TV and movies from. That was my one night reprieve all week long in those days.  Shortly after we started going there a tiny, tiny Pizza place opened up. It was a hole in the wall Mom and Pop Pizza Place but the Pizza… To die for and did I mention really cheap.Every Friday they had a buy two medium Pizza’s for only $5.00 any way you want them.

So I looked forward to every Friday with my movie rentals and awesome Pizza. I don’t know why but those memories hit me hard today! I haven’t thought about my youthful Friday nights in years. Maybe it’s my psyche finally letting go of the past and allowing me to remember the good times or maybe I just miss the Pizza, either way, those were the best times of my childhood and teen years. Can’t wait for next Friday already because Friday I’m in love…