Bones

As the restoration continues on the old building.

I watch day by agonizing day as it is stripped down to nothing more than a shell, waiting to be turned into something new.

Today I walked in and there it was in all its unholy glory. I think to myself, “If only these walls could talk. What would they have to say?”

I gaze upon the bare bones and for a moment I too feel exposed, raw, bare.

My heart bleeds for this place and all its empty memories that have now been ripped away along with the aging carpet.

I am filled with an emptiness of my own looking at the vastness of a time gone by, as I walk across a stone floor so many have tread.

I have to remember though that to make way for something new the old must go. To gaze upon the emptiness one has to think about all the possibilities, they are endless.

In a few weeks, it will be something different, something new. We can all rejoice the newness of it all, but let’s not forget the past and remember without it. There is no tomorrow.

 

 

 

THAT STRANGE FEELING

So usually when I am at work I listen to music all day. Lately, I have been taking an hour out of my day (while working, of course) to listen to some meditation music thinking this might assist me in opening up my 3rd eye on a more permanent basis. I have been getting jolts of things here and there snatches of images seem to be spiritual or otherworldly in nature.

However, there has been a lot of remodeling at my job and so even listening to regular music has been taxing, to say the least. So when I went to listen to my meditation music today it was all but impossible. Before I knew it it was lunch time and so I decided not to listen today. Yet, things don’t always work out the way you think they will.

I have been trying to get a confirmation of sorts of reincarnation and I must say things have gotten weird lately. It seems everywhere I look there is something prompting me one way or another when it comes to this subject. What is that saying, “be careful what you wish for?” I have been doing a kind of sleep meditation the last few nights and my only question has been, “I need the truth, regardless of the answer I seek truth?” You see regardless if reincarnation is real or not that is not the issue.

I grew up in an abusive household where my mother would leave bruises on me and then lie about it all the while spewing the Bible at me as if I were the great sinner. I detest liars, and so before I can commit one way or another. I only ever seek the truth no matter what it is. I don’t need the constant lies fed to us by our mothers, our fathers, society!

I choose to break from religion and seek my own spiritual path and this is a big question in that realm. Considering the religion I grew up with I never gave a second thought to reincarnation however, someone, somewhere keeps throwing this question in my face, and so I must follow the trail. Again, no matter where it leads.

That being said back to my job today. I wrapped up lunch and pulled up a playlist on my phone that I hadn’t heard in a while. Now I must tell you after three or four songs. I was shocked to my very core when the meditation music began playing again. It is not on that playlist. At least I never put it there. Thinking this was someone in the divine realm clearly trying to get me to meditate I went with the flow and began breathing deeply and attempting to clear my mind of all things (other than the work I was doing at my job that is.)

I was plodding along working and breathing when suddenly I saw an image of a young Indian girl dressed in nothing but a primitive loincloth and a makeshift top she was maybe 12 or 13 and she was running for all she was worth in the middle of the Jungle In the pouring rain. There was no sound but you could tell she was afraid of something or someone behind her. I mentally shouted who are you but no response came. I had a split second of recognition as if I were her and then she was gone. I never saw what it was she was running from because just as quickly as I saw her I was so startled at seeing her I lost the connection.

However, somewhere deep down I felt as if I were being shown myself or at least a past version of who I once was. It was so surreal it was as if I could reach out and touch the leaves on the trees as she ran past them. It wasn’t even until the images faded I realized my heart was racing and I was out of breath as if I had been running for dear life. To top it all off. Mere seconds after the image faded the smell of wet earth hit me so hard I was almost gagging. Now I know there is remodeling going on and it was raining outside however, I am in the middle of the building with no windows or anything. I tried to pass this off as something explainable but once I began asking my co-workers if they smelled something all they said was wet paint.

I couldn’t explain the smell or the fact that it wasn’t there before the images came to me or the fact that the smell stayed with me for over half an hour no matter where I was in the building afterward. After asking my boss about the smell and him looking at me like I had lost my mind I gave up trying to rationalize the moment.

Is this proof of reincarnation? I don’t know but I do know I am on to something even bigger than I know myself. I will keep digging as is my nature and will definitely keep you guys updated on the exploits of THE SPIRITUAL EXPLORER.

ADAPT OR DIE

I went to the Spring Metaphysical fair last weekend by myself. That was the first time I have done anything like this by myself. I am so used to actually doing outside activities with other people and I never go downtown alone. Other than praying I wouldn’t get hit in traffic it was very soothing and cathartic actually. I almost didn’t go as I usually back out of things like this when no one else wants to go but as I was sitting there listening to the birds chirping and the beautiful day envelop me in its warmth I realized I wasn’t alone at all.

 

The last time (which was the first time) I came to this fair back in November. I was with my sister in law and a friend who has since passed away.

The friend not the sister in law. Ever since I saw the ad for the Spring fair I have had a burning desire to go I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why?

 

Yet, as I walked through the parking lot and up the stairs to the building I couldn’t help but smile you see my friend hated stairs almost as much as I do and that coupled with the constant chatter of a single bird that seemed to be following me. I got the sense that my friend was right next to me. Taking those giant stairs one at a time also.

 

I thought to myself as I made my way in that this was the reason I had this overwhelming need to be here even if I had to come alone. I would soon find out my friend was merely along for the ride as much as I was. That there were greater forces at play here. Even now I am amazed at the Universe’s ability to put you exactly where you need to be if you only listen and follow its breadcrumbs.

 

So, I got checked in and paid the eight dollar fee to get in. It seemed I was the only person here that came alone. There was a raffle at the next table and as I filled out the tiny piece of paper for said raffle. I was handed a program and told that there was a

Workshop starting in just a few minutes upstairs if I wanted to go.

 

Now the last time I went I never knew they did workshops every hour for various things during this 3 day fair. I was shocked to discover with a minimal eight dollar free all the workshops were free. Curious I looked at the program only to find that this particular workshop I had shown up just in the nick of time for was on the one subject I have always related to… Angels!

 

With a renewed sense of purpose, I made my way up yet another set of stairs and into a conference room for the workshop. I must admit when the lady began speaking I wasn’t sure I was in the right room she began talking about star seeds and I had never heard that term before. Then she began talking about the history of Angels and their origins here on Earth.

 

It was very interesting and she talked about how we change from one lifetime to the next she hinted that there were scriptures in the Bible that prove reincarnation and while I am still on the fence about this she made a lot of sense. At one point I got chills because I could feel my friend sitting in the empty seat next to me soaking the information in just as I was.

 

After the workshop, I hung out at the fair for a bit and even bought a tote bag on my way out to commemorate the day. All the way home I struggled with what I had learned and vowed to do my own investigation into this whole thing. As there are already Bible quotes that confirm Angels were indeed among us. I was curious about the Bible verses that hinted at reincarnation so I found them. I was blown away. The Bible is chock full of verses that deny reincarnation but the ones I found confirm everyone that has ever had a “near death experience”!

I have read through the Bible many times and never came across these scriptures. I guess they only revealed themselves when I myself was open enough to listen. I must admit most of what the lady talked about I was confused about. However, she did say that we are in an era of great growth, and change is coming. That sent shockwaves of knowing throughout my body.

 

I was now more curious than ever about Angels and once again humanities origin story. So I looked this girl up on fb and followed her to try to find out more. Yet, when I looked up her name on the program something else caught my eye. The workshop before this one that I had missed called THE VIOLET FLAME! Curious as to what this was I, of course, googled it and found there was a book out there called The Violet Flame! It tells about how the violet flame is kind of all-encompassing it is like the end all be all flame it brings light love peace, it helps open you up, and most curious of all it helps you conquer any fears carried over from, past lives! Yes, I said it, Past Lives! Now I must tell you the very first time I meditated I saw a violet flame, a little too coincidental if you ask me.

 

After reading what I could on this subject I was a little freaked out because once again it seemed someone was having me follow the breadcrumbs and this was getting weird. I feel like someone was telling me, “ask and you shall receive.”

 

All this coupled with what I had heard in the workshop had me all confused. Then like a lightning bolt it hit me. The words ADAPT OR DIE! Kept running through my mind on a loop. These words have been so much a part of human history. It is so intertwined in our lives that we don’t even understand the subtly of it all. It has been proven that we need to adapt to change or we fail. As a society, as a human race.

 

We as humans have had to adapt to a lot in the past but never a full-blown change like this. Of our beliefs, of our hearts, of our past. We as humans are loathed to change and so as you can see throughout the past, history is doomed to repeat itself.

 

We need to have an open mind to anything and everything, we need to delve into our past and weed out the fears and negativity and squelch those demons once and for all. In order for us to grow, we need to expand our minds to the endless possibilities. We need to change the way we think, for not only our sake but for our children’s sake as well.

 

There is something coming, even our planet knows in the way it is reacting right now. There is an awakening happening and we need to open our hearts and minds to it or I fear we will be lost. We need to dig up our past, our origins, find the truth so we can clear the way for our future. It is the dawn of a new day, and we must adapt or we shall surely die!

THE YOUNG INDIAN GIRL

The first time I saw the young Indian girl,  was the second time I ever meditated. I actually have quite a bit of Native American in me so I thought if I listened to that kind of meditation music. You know with the drums, and fire crackling and wolves baying at the moon in the distance. Then I could be more in tune with that part of me.

I found out many years ago that my maiden name, a name I detested in school due to its placement in the alphabet was actually derived from an Indian Princess. I don’t know much about the details but I do know that she married a white man and he was so in love with her he took her families name as an honor to her when they married.

I was so enraptured by this story it did take the sting out of the name I had hated for years. To know that no matter what, I am royalty! So when I went to meditate it was all about trying to connect with her, anyone really from this world I knew nothing about. My ancestors my heritage. I wanted so badly to get in touch with what I deemed my primal self.

What I got both shocked and confused me. I closed my eyes I began breathing in deeply through my nose and letting it out through my mouth. My heart began to beat in time with the drums. Then just as I was relaxed as I was ever going to get I began to see a bright orange ball of light behind my closed lids. Mistaking it initially for the sun I almost laughed as in my reality it was night time. There was no sun. There was no light at all to explain what I was seeing.

Then as if I zoomed the picture in on a camera or brought it into focus. It got bigger and bigger until a picture emerged. It wasn’t the sun I was seeing it was a fire. A huge outdoor fire and one lone Indian a male maybe mid-twenties was dancing around it at night as if he were preparing for something.  Then as if it were on a slide show the image quickly changed to another image of a female Indian girl in a teepe she was the only female in the teepe maybe sixteen or seventeen. Her hair was braided and lying across her right shoulder. She was, surrounded by young men around her age and they were laughing and passing around a pipe. I got the impression that this was just another typical Friday night in the little Indian village.

She seemed to be having a good time but to me, there seemed to be something off about her a sadness of sorts. Then just as I was getting used to the image it changed once again. This time it was the same young Indian girl running through a cave but this was not just any cave. It was a cave that had been carved out by a primitive people. I don’t know if it was her particular tribe but I know it was Indians that had carved out rooms and corridors and even had torches ensconced in the walls. There seemed to be a long hallway leading to each room or maybe the main room in the cavern that leached off into different areas. All I know is that she was running toward these rooms down the long man-made hallway and she was terrified.

She was running from something or someone and she was scared to death of them. Scared for her life even. She was running so fast her hair was blowing freely behind her no longer bound by the braid. As if it had been caught in the wind. Yet, she was in a cave there was no wind. Just like if it were a movie she slowly began to look behind her to see whatever it was that scared her and just as her profile changed to a full face in my view. The image froze for a second before dissolving completely.

I was shaken. Who was she? Was she my royal ancestor? Was she a random girl? I still don’t have the answers yet but I do feel a connection with this young Indian girl. I took a few minutes to collect myself and then began meditating again. All of a sudden there was the young male dancing around the fire. It was like since I had made this connection it was much easier to see the images the second time. So much so that they began playing on a loop in my head. One after another after another, faster and faster. Causing dizzying effects. I spoke out, show me yourself” as I suddenly felt a male presence in front of me. I knew he was older wiser, and some sort of chief as he was wearing a huge headdress. This is not something I saw mind you it was something I just knew.

Yet, the minute I spoke out the images began to slow and just before the last one of the girl running down the hallway there was another image added to the mix. It was a black square void. Almost like what you would imagine purgatory to be like in a movie except it was utterly dark. In the dead center of the “black box” as I like to refer to it was me. I could feel all these energies surrounding the black box I was in but couldn’t see anything. I took this to mean that I do possess the knowledge to see them but something or someone (meaning myself) is blocking me from actually seeing them.

I was outside when all of this occurred sitting in my big yard at my patio set and as I took this meaning for what I thought it was. All the images vanished and I started hearing a flapping sound. I opened my eyes and shock coursed through me at what I saw. There in the middle of my table was the umbrella I use for shade. It was down and the flaps on it were kind of folded over as they do when they are not in a shading position and one of the flaps was going back and forth at a very rapid pace as if someone or something were playing with it. Or trying to get my attention, and once again there was absolutely no wind.

What actually gave me chills is when I began to chuckle and said, ” Alright I see you”, the flapping began to slow and slow and slow until it came to a complete stop. I immediately tried to rationalize what I saw but there is no explanation I can come up with for this. Are they my spirit guides? Are they, family? I am still as clueless as the day I had these images planted in my head. What’s worse is this is not the only time I would see this young Indian girl and at different ages too. I feel as if we are one and the same but not if that makes any sense.

She haunts me, what drives me crazy is her eyes. When I write a story I noticed I tend to give all my female character hazel eyes like mine or emerald green just to spice it up. I can remember every line of her face, the smile she gives off is like lightning in a bottle it’s so pure but I can never remember what color her eyes are. Being a full-blooded Native American I can only assume they are brown but that doesn’t actually feel right to me. I do so hope I can look into her eyes and see for myself if they are truly the windows to the soul or figure out why I can never remember them.

I have more to come on the young Indian girl and the experiences I have had with her. I will keep you all posted. In the meantime, if anyone can help me figure out what all this meant please feel free to message me.

P.S. Something or someone has been nagging me to write about her. I have been putting it off for so long I have even felt as if I were getting sick from it. Now that I have this first one out there I feel much better. Thank you all for listening and I hope you all have a wonderful dreamless sleep…

 

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE 2

I am almost 42 and I gotta say fear has been a common occurrence in my life. Coupled with the awful upbringing and my own nature I, to be honest with myself have been terrified of well, everything!

I would always say that my only fear is snakes but deep down. I have been afraid of life itself and all its possibilities. I am afraid to do anything in public, such as dancing, singing, or even reading (that last one though I have worked hard to overcome). I am afraid to try new things, so I have missed out on what I am sure were epic unforgettable moments. Then there is the big one, the fear of being myself.

For so long I acted exactly how everyone wanted me to. I would say I was complacent because I didn’t like confrontation, but the real truth is  I didn’t want to voice my opinion on the off chance that I was wrong.  I was so afraid of losing the man I love, or what little friends I had to fully explore the, me that is real. The bigger concern is I was so busy trying to please everyone I never took the time to get to know me and to be honest I was terrified of finding out.

As we all have a dark side, I have seen my dark side on rare occasions but I repressed that part of me and buried her deep, deep down but she is always there, always lurking, always fighting for a chance to be free. Yet, that is where the part of me that fights her own battles, the part of me that doesn’t sit complacently by and let people take advantage, the part of me that is braver, reside. That part of me is the Yin to my Yang, and I have been trying to slowly connect those two parts of myself over the last few weeks but I know there is something broken there. A piece of me still missing, that would bridge the gap and make me whole.

Still filled with fear over exploring this missing link I am working hard to overcome it because I  if only for a moment have felt what its like to be whole. To have all the jagged pieces of myself come together like a puzzle and see the big picture.

The very first time I meditated after it was revealed to me that I was a medium was the next day. It was a Sunday with not a cloud in the sky, a warm summer day not to hot not to cold. Not knowing how to go about doing this I researched several videos on youtube (it has everything). I sat in my favorite chaise lounge in the yard surrounded by nature, I put on some tranquil music and began breathing ( that is what meditation is all about you know, the breathing) I began breathing deeper and deeper letting my mind go blank and the weight of the world just kind of slip off my shoulders and out of my body.

I visualized breathing in white light and cool air and breathing out the negativity that has plagued me for so long. I began to feel the cool air I was sucking in and see behind my closed lids this white pure energy going into my nose and spreading throughout my body. I could see every time I breathed the negative out it came out of my mouth in a swirling cloud of black and grey smoke. This in, an of itself was quite the experience.

Then something strange happened. The sun felt as if it actually moved from its spot behind the shade of the tree as if to shine on me my own little spotlight if you will, a breeze that wasn’t there before suddenly cooled my face and I was filled to the brim with the most extraordinary sense of peace, love, and actual joy. I was in the moment with all of me whole for the first time in my life.

Don’t get me wrong I have had moments in my life of all of these things, the birth of my children, my wedding day, even more recently I got to go back to a job I actually like, but never in the whole of my life have I experienced them all together. For the very first time I was whole, all the pieces that make, up, who and what I am down to the very core of me were present. It was an indescribable moment. In this moment fear was gone and even my soul was at peace.

I basked in the glory of the moment for what felt like an eternity as even time had seemed to stop. Just as I was getting used to this moment once again something changed. The atmospheric pressure seemed to change energy and suddenly I felt someone or something there. A presence just to my left about four feet away. I opened my eyes for the first time since beginning to meditate fully expecting someone to be standing there I didn’t physically see them but knew with absolute certainty they were there.

I thought to myself “don’t be afraid.” I thought this twice and the third time I whispered, “don’t be afraid.” The moment it slipped out of my mouth this presence moved and was now standing right next to me. I could even feel the heat from his energy on my bare arm. I looked down to the ground right there next to me and a flash of blue-white light I have ever seen crossed my mind. I also saw wings just the tips but there were like glass, and also the same blue-white as the angel himself. I knew it was a masculine energy and I knew he was everything that was light and love. Then I saw more than heard the words, ” I have been with you the whole time you are just now seeing for the first time” flash in my mind. Then another flash came to me and I saw a string connected from my side to his side a white tether. That even though looked rather flimsy I knew was unbreakable.

Tears flooded my eyes and I knew I would never feel alone again. I thought to myself “what will happen next.” So I closed my eyes and began meditating again. With my hands outstretched on the lounge chair, I began to get in that moment again. Where the world falls away and it is just me. The sun seemed to move from behind the shade of the branches once again and the cool breeze that never existed washed over my face.

This time I felt as if someone brushed my hand with the back of theirs on my right and as I chanted once again “don’t be afraid I raised my hand and turned it over palm up. I didn’t feel a presence but I knew someone had touched me. The second I lifted my hand up as if in invitation they grabbed my hand and held it in a firm grip as if to never let go. The second they did this I knew again with an absolute certainty it was my grandmother. I opened my eyes and looked down at my hand gripped in the thin air and was flooded with memories of her. A woman that passed away when I was 19! Was standing there I couldn’t see her but I knew she too was always by my side.

With all the negative experiences I have had in my life I knew the moment I  really tried to awaken that part of myself had to be a good one. It was as if they were welcoming me to the other side in a way that made me realize the physic lady I went to a few weeks ago was right. As long as I think positive and breathe out the negative the experiences I would have would be positive. They were there to let me know as alone as I have felt in my darkest hours I have never truly been alone.

This has been the missing piece of myself that is bridging the gap between me and the darkness that lurks within me. It is the piece of myself that I have let lie dormant for so long that it is going to take time to coax it out. However, the taste of peace and love and joy I have had are all worth well, everything. I have begun meditating regularly and there has been other stuff happened which I will reveal later but just know we are all on the path to enlightenment we just have to want it more than the fear of the unknown that plagues us all…

TO BE CONTINUED…

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE PART 1

Okay So here goes nothing. I have never held much stock in the paranormal, supernatural, psychic, or anything else the world would deem weird and unusual. Despite these sort of things continuously happening to me.

Being raised in a home where abuse was a common occurrence. I always chalked it up to my environment and letting my imagination run wild. I would talk myself out of what I saw, what I felt, what I touched.

Add to the fact that I was raised Pentecostal. I knew from an early age these things were bad or “evil”. I didn’t need the added stress as according to my mother everything I did, I was going to hell for anyway.

I spent so much of my time fearing the unknown, fearing the dreams I had that always came true, fearing the strong feelings I had about something or someone that came to fruition. I never stopped to ask the question… Why was this happening to me?

I let fear win out so many times and as such, I have learned recently that like attracts like and so the more negativity that surrounded me the more I attracted. Growing up with so much pain and negativity, of course, I have only ever had negative experiences with the “paranormal”. I have always been a glass is half empty kind of girl. So the odds have been against me from day one.

You may not believe me but I have had experiences that can not be explained. Yet, between the background and the whole religious aspect of it all, I have been terrified to find out the truth.

and the truth is…it is a part of me.

I woke up a few weeks ago voracious for information on telepathy, esp, being an empath, the works. Then I somehow found myself in a bookstore I have been wanting to go to for over a year in a part of town I never go and as fate would have it, it was right across the street from a psychic.

Being brave for the first time in my life I fought the instinct that has been hammered into me for the whole of my life to run and went in. I even got reading done. Going into this mind you with the mindset that this was all a waste of time I was shocked to my core when she revealed things about me that only I knew. Only I felt.

I knew there was a part of me that always seemed to be missing a part of me that I couldn’t quite figure out. Which always made me feel empty and that there was a void in the vastness of my soul. She revealed the answer to me that in retrospect I knew all along. She said that I was an emotional and physical empath, not just an empath that I was a full-blown medium. It was and is a part of who I am and as long as I continue to reject that part of myself. I would never be a whole person.

She told me that she could see why I would attract such negative energies to me considering my painful past and this is what floored me one look in her eyes after she spoke these things was as if she could see into the very depths of my past. Within a blink of an eye, she knew it all. At that moment I knew what was missing and I was terrified all over again.

After I left her office. I was very drained but as I looked out at the bustling streets it was as if I was seeing everything for the very first time. It was as if I had been walking around in my very own black and white movie and now there was COLOR!

Colors I had never seen before everything was sharper more vivid as if I had finally woken from a long dream that never made sense until now. Yet, in the back of my mind, a new fear was taking shape that because I had closed that part of me off for so long would I ever get it back again? I have been taking steps to open that part of me up again to find my “third eye” if you will, and it so far has been magical. Fear be damned. It’s not about being able to talk to the dead, or knowing when something is going to happen anymore. It is about being my true self, whatever that may mean. I have already had a couple of great experiences while learning to meditate, and suddenly I feel like an addict who needs another hit.

I never expected the sheer peace and joy and happiness that could come with something as simple as meditating if only for a moment. I now feel I am connected to everything the grass, the trees, the sun, the moon, the stars. It is all a part of me and I a part of it. I know some of you out there are thinking “man, she has lost her mind”, but I no longer care what the world thinks it is my spiritual path and no one can take that away from me, and to quote one of my favorite movies, that talked about ghosts, and demons and the like .”You better believe in them because they believe in you.”

However, for those of you that believe any advice would be great. As I am a newbie to all of this I am not quite sure I am doing anything right. Save for the angel that I now know is one of many of my guides that has always been standing just to my left permanently attached to me since the day I was born. With his white-hot energy and his glass tipped wings. I know I must have done something right in that first meditation.

There is more to come as I will be sharing each of my experiences with you all. All I can say is let the journey begin…

Good night and sweet dreams…

 

SCARS

I was sitting in the hospital four days ago waiting for the results of my X-rays when the nurse popped in and asked me the most peculiar question. First, she told me that my foot had, had a piece of bone chipped off the 5th bone that connects to my pinkie toe. She was told to ask me if it was an old fracture as it appeared to be old. As I have never had this happen before I told her there was no possible way it was old. Plus the fact that my foot is purple and black and swelled up so bad it looks as if there is a softball under the skin it had to be a recent fracture right?

As they continued my treatment I was asked a couple more times by the X-ray tech and the Dr. if it was an old fracture. I was positive it was new and they set me up for a follow up in 3 to 5 days and sent me on my way.

What I neglected to tell them though was that by the time they asked a third time I wasn’t so sure anymore if the chipped bone was old or new. You see when I was young my mother was abusive once I remember having my head bashed into the carpet so many times I thought she might have broken my nose. After it happened she basically told me that she was sorry but that I shouldn’t push her to that point. Really? I was like 7 or 8. After several days of swelling, I forgot about the pain and the whole incident.

Then several years ago, over twenty years after the incident. I went to the Dr. for one thing or another and he took one look at my nose and asked how long it had been since it had been broken. All the pain and memories from that day came flooding back to me.

Fast forward to four days ago with the incessant questioning about a possible past fracture and I was right back there in the other Dr’s office finding out that my nose had indeed been broken before.

With my memory so splintered over a past, I have repeatedly tried to forget. Maybe it is just another memory lurking in the back of my mind. Waiting to be revealed when I least expect it. It sends a chill of fright down my spine to think there are memories I have suppressed or forgotten. Considering the ones I do remember are the stuff of nightmares.  How much worse can they get, honestly?

It just goes to show no matter how much you try to leave the past in the past, as they say, sometimes your memory will betray you. I have found though, past memories revealing themselves in small increments have helped me move on from them, and while it stung to think I had gotten another broken bone from my mother that I have no memory of it didn’t completely destroy me either. My friend stated that “the scars we receive as children, shape us into the adults we become.”  At first, I hated the thought of this concept but as yet, another layer of my past is peeled back like a scab on a dirty knee. I revel in it. These scars let me know I have been through something and I survived it.

I smile at each and every one of them because I am alive and for the most part of sound mind. I guess the scars we receive as children, really do shape us into the adults we become. It is just important to not let them break you in the end.

I guess I am, healing after all!

RIVULET

The sweat poured down her back in a RIVULET of saltiness. The sun rode the sky high now, a sea of angry red fire.

“Only two more hours of this crap”, she thought to herself. Only two more hours and then she could immerse herself in the man-made air conditioning.

She plunged her hands into the plant to retrieve the tangy fruit it yielded. The leaves scratched her weathered fingers for the umpteenth time she winced at the stabbing pain.

That didn’t help because the droplet of sweat that hovered just above her eyebrow rolled right into her cornea stinging the bejesus out of it. Which caused her eyes to water even more.

Now she had muddy streaks of tears rolling down her face and even more, sweat dripping down her face. “Hell can’t get much worse than this,” she thought as she finally located the sweet red fruit and pulled it off the vine.

she tossed it into the bucket and finally slowly and carefully used the inside of her flannel shirt to wipe her face. She never used to understand why she had to wear long sleeves in such scorching heat but the first time she wore a short sleeve shirt she ended the day with horrible itchy scratches all over her arms. Still carrying traces of said scratches she ached for some ointment or even a cold glass of iced tea.

Face clear as she could get it, for now, she moved her attention back to the task at hand. She grabbed the crate by each handle and scooted on her knees to the next bush. Through the hard-packed earth that had not seen rain in days, Now giant globs of what almost seems to be stone instead of just a clump of dirt. Her knees where surly cut and bleeding by now.

She repeated the previous step as she jammed her fingers into the bush to pull out the juicy red fruit once again. There were significantly more on this vine and as she pulled them off and began tossing them in her bucket her stomach began to growl.

Realizing she probably missed lunch judging by where the scorching sun was now located she grabbed up a nice fat extra red ripe one and stuffed one end into her mouth. It was instant ecstasy. The red fruit was sweet yet tangy the juices mixed with tiny tons of little seeds dribbled down her chin as she devoured the entire thing in a couple of bites.

Now sticky she didn’t care as she smiled at the seemingly endless row ahead. Revitalized, from the nourishment it provided, giving her the strength to continue she whispered, “who knew tomato picking could be so much fun!”

FRET

I FRET over everything. Am I a good mother? Will I lose my job to downsizing? Is my husband happy in our marriage? Are my kids happy? Are my friends happy their my friends? When the world ends what will I be doing at that moment? Do I have enough money for groceries? How will I pay off the debt I have acquired? Will I get sick, again? Even down to the little things like. When do I get gas? Should I do it now or wait until morning?

Most people would call that a “worry wart”. Some have even blamed it on me being a Virgo. I worry because I need everything to be perfect they say.

I just think it is all a part of being an adult I truly believe the more you worry the more of an adult you are.

I can’t help worrying about the mortgage, or the kids, or the groceries. We gotta eat, right?

I spent so many years stressing over every little detail of my life. I forgot about myself. I stopped worrying about my clothes, my hair, even my hygiene at times, as long as everyone around me was okay.

Then something astounding happened. I realized I had disappeared and that was unacceptable to me.

I mean I had dreams once, goals in life and I had traded them all in for everyone else’s happiness. Why?

So I began the long journey of becoming me again. Some couldn’t understand it. Others chose to ignore it but I am happier than I have been in my entire life. So…

Bottom line is never let yourself disappear in the wake of someone else’s happiness. That hill to climb back up to you is a bitch.

FRET about you first because, in the end, everything else will work itself out…

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/fret/”>Fret</a&gt;

BIRTH MOTHER INTRODUCTION

 

Introduction

My daughter saved my life! Several times. The first time was the day she was born. The day I first held her 4lb. 17 oz body so close to mine. It was as if we had the same heartbeat and it was wonderful. She had hair the color of obsidian and one of the curliest heads of hair I have ever seen, save for my own. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on. She literally took my breath away with how much I instantly loved this tiny stranger. The tears poured down my face as I stared, fascinated by her beauty. One thought kept running through my mind. I could NEVER be my mother! The tears continued to flow freely while I began to rock the gorgeous newborn in my arms. Holding her so delicately. She was my little angel sent from above, to give me the answer to that ultimate question that had been plaguing me for the entirety of my life. The question I had been asking myself for the past nineteen years “Will I end up like my mother?” In that moment, the answer opened her eyes and looked at me with those crystal blue orbs. In that moment, the answer was perfectly clear, NEVER!

I began this book as a sort of purge if you will. It was a way to expel my demons and maybe a little guilt. I have since learned through the course of writing it that I was so angry over the past that for a time my judgment was cloudy. I cannot even begin to describe the journey this has taken me on emotionally, physically, and mentally. Walking down memory lane during one of the worst times in my life has been exhausting, to say the least. This story started out as a mere blog, a way for me to face my past and try to finally move on from it. Then I realized, there is no moving on from my past. Yes, I can heal from it, and learn to recover, but my past is what made me, well, me! It took all the past hardships and pain to be who I became and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. My past is what defined me, my past is what made me stronger, and yes, it may be well and truly in the past now, but it can never be forgotten. It is the thing that branded my soul, the thing that changed me in ways no one can ever understand, it is the thing that made me a better person. This journey I have embarked on was not what I was expecting but along the way I have found pieces of myself thought lost to me. It has affected my mind, my soul, my heart. Yes, there were moments writing this book when my past demons became too much and I thought “I can’t do this” but in the end, it was well worth it. To expose my past and relive one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure because what I received in return has left me speechless at times.  This book has become so much more than a simple purge of the past. It became about self- growth, and self- discovery, and the realization that somewhere along the way I have stopped running from a past that haunted me daily. The moment I heard those first furtive cries from my daughter, I became a mother. The fact that someone else raised her is just semantics.

I have been through so many horrible things in my life that this just seemed like another blip on the radar, that is my life. Yet, now as I look back at all the memories. I see that I am braver, kinder, and stronger. It took going through something no one should have to go through and for me to come out of it alive to see that, I don’t break so easily. This book has become a part of me, it is me, and I haven’t let it or the past break me. I have more strength and courage than even I knew. To be able to relive a part of my past that would have killed someone else is just, insane! Somehow though I made it through and I hope it helps someone out there that is struggling to cope with their loss as well. It is a tiny death we mother’s feel even if, we are the one that made the decision to give our child up. It may be a tiny death but one that will haunt us forever if we let it. Up until now, that is exactly what has been happening to me. A haunting of epic proportions and I gotta say now that it is out there a relief I haven’t felt in years has washed over me.

This is my story. The story of my heartbreaking soul-shattering journey. The choice I made in giving my child up for adoption. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my entire life. There was crying, screaming, and pure agony. I felt as if I would never love something so much again. I am telling my story because it matters. Because you never hear the mother’s side of things. No one can fully know what you have been through in this situation unless they have gone through it themselves.

It is the most gut-wrenching thing a woman can go through. I have been silent for too long. For too long I have lived in darkness over the choice I made. For too long I have sat quietly by and listened to the judgment of others. Just because I gave her up doesn’t mean I didn’t, I don’t love her. I write this for her, I write this for myself, I write this for any mother that has had to give her child away. I write this with the hope that I can reach others who have suffered like me. If I could help just one person… Help them cope with the most difficult challenge of their lives. To let them know that they are not alone. To let them see that there is a light at the end of that very dark, very long, tunnel. That life does go on after doing what is right for their child. I want you to know I am here for you. We are taking this journey together. WE ARE THE BIRTH MOMS!