As you know I have been so busy writing about the horribleness of my past. I have neglected to talk about my present and all the wonders that married life has brought me in the past fifteen years.

I now realize there are so many stories other than the past before my husband. I could probably write an entire book on our life together. The past year and a half of writing about the horrors of my youth have really given way to the good things in my life.

As my previous blog suggested I will be writing about what happens after the “happily ever after” in the stories. I have yet to decide how many a week but I will be writing about the real life of what comes next. Some may be fiction some may be based on my life and my marriage.

What better way to start this weekly blog than with my own martial story. It will be the first of many I am sure of it and what better way to begin my first weekly blog than with the one thing you never read about or see on tv whether it is by way of a movie or a tv show. Drum roll, please…. It is passing gas!

Yes, people make jokes about this on sitcoms, but you never really hear about the underbelly of this beast. The sheer horror of… “The Midnight Farter!” Now we all know in the beginning of any relationship it is all love and beauty. Until, that first fart slips, you are in a cocoon of perfection you think will never be ruined. Then late one night while tossing and turning in your bed not able to sleep due to the newness of it all. You are suddenly engulfed with the smell of death!

Suddenly, you are in the throes of what can only be described as the fart from hell. Your eyes begin to water and you begin to choke as if instead of one little fart someone is trying to kill you with mustard gas. You are now gasping for air and you just know you will die by fart stench suffocation.

You run from the room with tears streaming down your face and to your dismay the smell has followed you. You now think to yourself. Has this odor singed my nose hairs off? Will this be the only thing I ever smell again? What’s worse is that there was no warning shot that it was coming. It was just a “silent killer”. A cloud of darkness now smothering you for an eternity. This loaded bomb he dropped on you. The bloom is definitely off that particular rose.

Once your sense of smell finally returns you realize. I am in love with someone that could speak to me of love and forever and at the same time produce such foul smelling gas that almost causes you to vomit!

You are in utter turmoil over this matter and as you lie there not being able to go back to sleep the alarm begins to sound. As your beloved wakes up and looks over at you with such love in his eyes you almost forget the utter foulness he produced in the middle of the night.

Yet, nothing can make you forget the moment you realize he is just a man. He is only human after all! Not the GOD sent to you from on high! That is the unforgettable moment! The moment you let your guard down and the real beauty of life together begins. The moment you stop pretending you are in some wonderous fantasy and reality sets in.

I will never forget the moment my relationship became real. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I would much rather live in the real world with my real relationship than a fantasy any day.

The way our lips come together and touch softly, the way he brushes his fingers through my hair, the way he looks at me as if I am the  most beautiful woman he has ever seen after all these years. All the bad times just make me appreciate these moments all the more and to think I owe it all to that first fart and the “MIDNIGHT FARTER!”




This is my first advice blog ever! As I just opened up the blogging arena a couple of weeks ago  for advice giving I had just a couple to choose from. I thought this next one was appropriate given that this is my first one. Here goes.



What qualifies you to give advice? Do you have a doctorate? How do you justify being able to give good advice?


The answer to your question is none! I don’t have a doctorate. No, I didn’t go to school to give advice at all! It boils down to the sheer number of life experiences I have had that make me more than qualified to understand others issues!

How many people do you think that have gone to school to give advice and charge you hundreds of dollars actually know and understand what you have been through. Or if they have ever even been through. Or if they have even been through anything at all that would or could scar you.

It’s kind of like someone preaching hell and damnation to you when they haven’t actually seen the pits of hell themselves! How can he preach to me about hell and damnation when he’s never even been through real, hell! I think it takes a certain brokenness to give good advice and I have loads of it.

Personally, I would want advice from someone who has been in the trenches and lived to talk about it. It gives them a unique qualification for the job. Plus they are more compassionate to your issues instead of the cold business of money exchanging hands to hear your problems.

I have been in those trenches. I have touched the edges of hell. Yet, here I am ready to share and give the wisdom I learned from my own mistakes. Hoping to help prevent someone else’s future heartbreak. I hope this answers your question.


I’m Listening…



Have you ever read that book? You know the one. That book where the Shifter wolf escaped his bonds in hell to chase his mate through the streets of London just so he could claim her as his. All the while dragging said bounds behind him as he pounded the pavement on all fours and, it all started with the gentle whiff of her perfume.

Have you ever seen that movie? You know the one. Where guy meets girl and each of them just know it was meant to be. Yet, plot twist throughout the movie keep them apart till the very end and then. They make magic together. It was truly meant to be. Oh, how they complete each other.

Have you ever watched that TV show? You know the one. The one where guy meets girl or vise versa and you know at the beginning they were meant to be but once again the plot twists keep you on the edge of your seat with bated breath until at least season 5. For five seasons you just keep watching, waiting, for any sign that they will get together. It is literally like one long drawn out foreplay session. Then they get together and fireworks ignite. Which is what you knew would happen if theses damned writers ever let them get together. The episode you have been waiting on for so long happens and then the show is canceled. Just like that, it is no more. Just like that everything you have been waiting for gone.

What does all these books, movies, and tv shows have in common you ask? Well, they end right when things start to get interesting. I mean I am always left wondering what happens now? Now that they are together what are they like? Will the fighting ever stop? Will they live happily ever after? What happens after the beauty of their beginning wears off?

I want to see the fights that ensue because he I don’t know maybe he is a midnight farter in the bed! Maybe she chews her nails and it drives him bonkers. I want to see what happens after the last page is turned. I want to see their story after the credits roll. I want to see what happens after the last episode airs. There are so many unanswered questions to so many  things I will never get the answers to.

Yet, I know it is just a fantasy land. The beautiful people in these  stories don’t exist. I want the real stuff. Like why did she gain 100 lbs. during their marriage? Does he still look at her the same? Did he have that much hair when they met? Or as he always been this bald? I want to see all the struggles after marriage, has taken it’s hold on the pair after a few years. That to me is the beautiful story. That is the story we are all in search of. The story of the hot young couple twenty years later. Sagging in places and gray but still look at each other with the love they began with. It is the most poetic love there is.

Though, I doubt that story will ever be told. I can’t help but wonder one day what if? I will be there with bells on to read or see it.

I have decided I will write this story. It may be one of fiction and non- fiction alike we will never know. Each week I will write one story that will  be about the reality of that dream couple after the bloom has fallen off their rose. Real life couples as they should be not how the fantasy land portrays it to be.





As you know due to my past blogs I believe in soul mates. I believe that there is that one person out there that will set your soul on fire and be the end of you. Yet, at the same time they are the very air, you breathe and you wouldn’t no couldn’t live without them.

That is my husband in a nutshell! I don’t know where I would be without his love and support and I love him even more, every day that I find another gray  hair or have to go up another size in my jeans because he sees none of that. He sees me as the twenty-something girl I was when we met and he continuously makes me feel like that girl I once was.

After a very rocky start to our relationship (we both kept letting the past get in the way) he proposed. I of, course said yes and the rest, as they say, was history. Or is it?  Starting with his proposal things didn’t go according to plan as we had to keep moving the wedding date due to circumstances beyond our control. However, I know that God was bound and determined to make our wedding happen no matter what our bank accounts said.

Being from a broken home and watching the sheer number of marriages my parents racked up I was terrified of getting married. After I jumped my husband and looked like a total bitch for a fight we had been having for a while that was when he decided to propose. He had been planning this huge proposal all day and I kind of ruined it for the both of us. So  you can imagine my surprise when he got down on one knee in front of God, his mother, and our one-year-old child and professed his love for me and promised to love me all the days of our lives.

Shocked to my very core I was stunned into silence well, almost silence. I look back on that day and am horrified at what my response was. Now crying but still a little angry from our earlier spat I meant to say “yes, of course, I love you too” but what came out was “if the ring fits!” I know right, still horrified 15 years later. Well, the ring fit and I lost it I bawled  and knew in this moment we would be together till death do us part. He is after all the love of my life the yin to my yang my soul mate.

Still a little cautious about our impending nuptials I prayed every day that God would give me a sign that this was meant to be. Unlike my parents, I planned on doing this only once. As the wedding loomed closer and closer I was more and more anxious but then things started to happen that could only be explained by a higher power. Like the wedding dress.

I had a vision of what I wanted and nothing I had seen up to this point came close. A girl at work overheard my concerns for a dress and she said, “I have one I will sell to you for a hundred bucks”. Now looking at this girl she was a good 200lbs and about 5″4″ I thought no way would her dress fit my at the time size 3 and 5″8″ height it just wouldn’t compute. The math didn’t work. Being the nice person that I am I said, “sure bring it in I will try it on.” Not really believing it would work out. She had told me her woes of having planned a huge wedding and right before the wedding the groom got cold feet and ran off. Her brand new $5,000.00 dress was still getting altered at the time. Fast-forward to three years later and they were now married but they had eloped and she wanted to be rid of the dress that now brought back such memories. Still skeptical over our height and weight difference it was a jaw dropping moment when she brought in the dress of my dreams. The exact dress I had envisioned for my wedding but had yet to find. An even bigger twist was when I tried it on it was a perfect fit and length. It was a sister of the traveling wedding dress moment. I was so happy I bought it on the spot and only paid about ten bucks to get the hem finished. The dress had never even been worn.

Then there was  the centerpieces for my tables at the reception. I had wanted to get little fish bowls with a ribbon cut edge at the top.I had seen them at Hobby Lobby and they were beautiful I thought maybe some ribbon wrapped around the top ( the colors of my wedding) and some crystals in the bottom with floating candles in them (also my wedding colors). Yet, Hobby Lobby wanted about twenty bucks for one! I needed thirty! My budget wasn’t feasible to get them. Then one day as my future mother in law and I were hitting up all the yard sales. I saw one with a sticker on it that said 5cents.What, I told the lady I would buy it and that I wished that she had about twenty-nine more for my wedding. What she said next floored me she said, Oh, I think I do. I have a whole case of them in the back I will sell the whole thing to you for 5 dollars!”  Of course, I bought them and guess what there was exactly thirty!

This was my aha moment after the dress and getting some flower arrangements for free because my mother in law knew someone that owed her. It was my sign. My sign from God saying take a breath this is supposed to happen. It was meant to be and so I did with a smile on my face and love in my heart. I stood before God and everyone and gave my heart to the man of my dreams and I have never looked back. I know that it was meant to be and he was meant for me. If 15 years of wedded bliss is any indication…

<a href=””>Designed for You</a>





I feel fifty shades of color right now, anywhere from the whitest of whites to the deepest of black. Old demons roared their ugly heads and now I am pissed. I felt an emotion today I am not used to. I felt an emotion toward my mother that wasn’t the usual feelings and it chaps my ass. Another person that I wished were not in my life I just can’t tell off either. WTF! I am at a loss as to why I feel these tender feelings but it makes me very angry. Angry at myself. Why? Why do I get to feel the feelings I feel and  these people feel nothing! I pose this question to you all… Why is it that I can’t express myself to the ones that have hurt me most in my life?

I should feel nothing. I want to feel nothing yet, the mere thought of my mother hurt or (GOD forbid dying) I felt sadness love even. Why? Now I sit here contemplating my feelings and it pisses me off that I even feel this way. Why is it that I may have walked away from any relationship from these people but it didn’t turn off my emotions? It is enough to drive me mad. I want to hate with all of me. I want to scream through the blinding pain I feel over the injustice of it all. I can guarantee they are not losing any sleep over me.

The fifty shades of color wash over me and I feel the crimson waves of rage that threaten to swallow me up completely and all the ranges of red mingle together from the soft pink to the magnificent magenta to the deepest  blood red that now stain my heart. I see the blackest of blacks attempt to creep into my soul. Yet, it doesn’t but oh how I want it to. I want to feel the nothing that the blackness promises, the darkness it provides. The bright white light of my soul, however, rebuffs it once more.

I know in time this too shall pass. I will heal from this old demon that keeps ripping open that old wound that never seems to heal and I will once again feel the cool blue waves of forgiveness wash over me. I realized today that  I may forgive but my heart my soul can never wash away the stains encumbered upon them so long ago. I realized today that just because I was raised by a green-eyed monster doesn’t mean I have to become one too.

I will always carry my fifty shades of color, after all,I am only human…


<a href=””>Fifty</a&gt;





Ah, youth! It’s such a fleeting thing. I remember thinking when I was 17 that the year I turned forty would be in 2016 and man it was a hell of a long ways away. Yet, here we are decades later and I am about to be forty. Time sure flies when your back is turned. It seems as if it went by in a flash and slowly all at the same time.

I have gotten married watched my kids grow up and even witnessed the man of my dreams get grayer by the year. It is amazing how fast it has gone. I think of those dark days and at the person, I once was and smile. You, know how they say you can’t go back again well. I really never wanted to. Why go back to a time when I wasn’t my true self. A time when I had yet to find the me I am today, Who would ever go through all that pain again? That journey of self-discovery!

I feel for the youth of today. The mistakes they will make along their own journey and the discoveries they will find. Today’s youth feels an entitlement I never had and I wonder why? Who gave them the idea that they didn’t have to work for what they want? Who gave them the idea that everything would be given to them on a silver platter?

I would like to slap that person! Even my own son at the very same age I was so long ago now feels that all good things come to those who wait, and wait and wait some more. I never raised him to be like this. It must be a societal thing. Society, today has really screwed us parents who are only trying to make our kids great and self-reliant. Yet, their selfishness knows no bounds.

I feel that when I look at my son who is about to enter the big bad world that he is so unprepared because he doesn’t listen to my sage advice. I know what I am talking about here I lived through my teens remember! I just hope for his sake and all the youth around the world that their wake up call will come sooner rather than later.

You have to work for what you want. You have to make things happen. Only you can choose how your story will wind up, but first, you need to get off your ass and off my couch because before you know it. You will be forty and wondering where the hell has the time gone…




<a href=””>Youth</a&gt;




You ask me to see the world through your eyes. How can I when you are the one with blinders on. They say the EYES are the windows to our soul. Can you see my soul? Can you see how it aches for your petulance. It aches for all your misgivings that you can’t see. It aches for the way we should be.

Through your eyes I see me. The me, you think I should be. Yet, you can’t see that I am so much more. I not what you expected and you can’t see that I have so much more to offer than your expectations would allow. It saddens me to think that you may never see me for what I really am.

You may never see the error of your ways and we will never see eye to eye. I feel for you but I got a life to live so I will live it. This is the end of us unless your blinders are removed and you see the world and me for what we really are. Yet, I know in my heart that will never happen. Come close look into my eyes… What do you see?


<a href=””>Eyes</a&gt;