This is how this ends. The saga of giving my child up for adoption and going through all the pain and suffering I went through has come full circle. After twenty-one years, my demons are laid to rest. It is a funny thing not having this weight on my shoulders anymore and honestly, I don’t know what to do with myself.However, I feel a sense of freedom and peace I haven’t felt in all these years. It was as if my heart, my soul, was waiting for this moment. This moment I secretly hoped would never come, but once it was here everything else faded away. The hurt, the pain, the hate, the anger. It is just gone!
After twenty-one years a lifetime, if you will, I was contacted by my daughter’s dad, on Mother’s Day no less. That was on a Sunday and throughout the rest of that week, I was a Zombie. I felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck I went through every single emotion you could possibly think of. In the end, though, I needed this confrontation, I needed to expel this particular demon once and for all. I also helped me realize that I did the right thing, I gave my daughter a life I nor her father could have given her. It was made clear to me that he still doesn’t have the tenacity for follow through and be the man she needs him to be. Even after all this time, he is still the same. Which saddens me, but I am coming to realize, it is not my problem.
This week was my worst fears come to life. A man I thought was out of the picture forever suddenly returns after twenty-one years. What did he hope to accomplish? I still have no idea? Because he has become clear to me in the days since that is was never about his daughter? She was simply the in he needed to get my attention. Sick, right? It seems all he wanted to do was mess with my carefully cultivated life that I had without him, That is unacceptable. He even hired a service to find me and the entire time I am thinking that he wanted to get to know her. He was thinking… well I honestly I don’t know. He seemed to be angry that I had moved on. He seemed mad that it only took me two years after we split up to find someone new. Confusion set in as he supposedly doesn’t remember rejecting his child or abusing me. He spoke to me as if he wasn’t the greatest mistake of my life. As if we were old pals instead of exes that really shouldn’t have anything to do with one another. Did I mention it has been twenty-one years since we have spoken? I am sure I did as that is the one thing that continues to roll around in my mind. TWENTY-ONE YEARS!
What is he thinking? what gets me is that someone can abuse you to the point of damn near killing you on several occasions or watching as your mind slowly slips away and you become someone else and they don’t remember it! How is this possible? Or is it some kind of sick game he is still playing with me? Regardless, I am done. I am done worrying that my worst fear will come to light because it has happened, and I survived it. How many of us get to face our past demons head on? How many of us get to say exactly what we need to say to said demons and come out of it new? I feel as if a 50-pound weight that has been removed. A weight I didn’t know still existed until this week. A weight that haunted me in my darkest times. I am now free, of him, and free of a past I thought long dead. How many of us can truly say this and mean it?
This may be the final chapter and it has come full circle but I look forward to the life I have left ahead of me now that this is finally buried. This has also brought my daughter and I a little closer which is all I ever wanted. She is grown now and capable of her own decisions and I do hope that someday her father will come around. If nothing else for her sake, but if not I rejoice in the fact that over twenty-one years ago I made the hardest decision any mother should have to make, and even though it has been a long rocky road for me. I know now, it was still the right decision.
The events of the past week have been rolling around in my head and for the most part, I feel like I have been in a dream. Or shell-shocked, after twenty-one years this person had the audacity to come back into my life only to fuck with me. I don’t get what he got out of it. He had to know this reunion would not be filled with butterflies and rainbows, right?
It has been a long road from outright hatred of him to a simmering anger, and in the past week I have gone through every single emotion any human can possibly go through. Except for one LOVE! The love I once held for this man is no more. It is sad to see that a year of my life was wasted on such a creature and yet, as a mother, he gave me the greatest gift I could possibly have, my daughter. I may not have raised her I may be just her “birth mother” but that doesn’t negate the love I feel for her daily. The day she was placed in my arms over twenty-one years ago changed me forever. Just because I gave her a better life doesn’t change the fact that my blood runs through her veins, it doesn’t change the fact that not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, she is my heart, my soul, my reason for being. Just because I didn’t raise her hasn’t and won’t ever change that.
People may look at me as just a “birth mother”, and yet I am so, much, more than that. I am a Fighter, I am strong, I am a survivor, I am a Mother!
There were parts of me that loved the military don’t get me wrong. I loved coming in at one of the top people to make it thru the cofidence couse