I watched a movie last night that simultaneously pissed me off and had me all up in my feelings. I watched as the main character went through the aftermath of a break-up with a man she had been with for nine long years. Now being married for almost 19 years that time meant very little to me, and anyone including myself at any other time would have focused on her heartbreak throughout the movie. It was palpable.
While my heart did ache over her pain my focus very quickly turned to her two best friends that got her through the next 48 hours. At the end of the movie I sat in stunned silence over the bond they shared. Yes, I did tear up in parts of this movie but the one thing running through my mind after it was all said and done was,”I have never had a friend like that.” I have had friends yes. Yet, something always seemed to be off about the relationship. I find that even now unless I call my so called friends I may not ever hear from any of them.
I used to think way back in high school that there had to be something wrong with me. I mean the foreign exchange student from Spain even had more friends than I did and I had known these guys my whole life. I mostly kept to myself even eating somewhere other than the cafeteria so as not to get all the judgmental looks from people I had known forever because I was eating alone. I was always the lone wolf, the outcast, and for some reason this movie drove that home once again.
I always say I am an island unto myself because well. I am alone most of the time. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my feelings, I have always felt that somehow I am the problem. Or that I am that friend others keep around to make them feel better about themselves or a sort of place holder friend until they meet someone more exciting.
I am that person though, that tries to be a good friend give advice where needed. A shoulder to lean on, a friend that will do anything for you. Because I do know the true definition of the word friend. Which stinks because I don’t think most people do anymore. I have been in turmoil the last few months when my best friend in the world decided I was no longer worth her time. I felt I had finally found my person. That one person I could count on to lean on to share life’s little moments with and I guess for a time we did. Yet, when she suddenly stopped speaking to me because I dared no pick up the phone when she called me. I was crushed. I reverted back to what did I do? I spent months go over it, and over it in my head to no real reasoning whatsoever.
I realized just in the last few weeks it’s not me. I am a rock. I am the beacon you see even in the dark. I am never changing in who I am. I am that person that helps others heal through the giving of my shoulder and my affection. I am not the one that changes who they are for someone else just so they will like me. However, it is a lonely road sometimes.
I have since come to terms with this part of myself recently and even though it sucks not having that person I can count on. It has made me re evaluate myself and I am proud of who I am. Even if this movie got me all up in my feelings and made me miss those who have gone out of my life. I see once again I don’t need them to validate who and what I am. They say everyone comes into your life for a reason and I truly believe this. It may not have been our destiny to stay friends for life but I have learned a lot from each and every person I have befriended in all my years. So this is my thank you to each and every one of you that have come, gone, and for those friends I will have in the future. Thank you for being in my life at the time you were or will be. Because of you I am who I am…


So usually when I am at work I listen to music all day. Lately, I have been taking an hour out of my day (while working, of course) to listen to some meditation music thinking this might assist me in opening up my 3rd eye on a more permanent basis. I have been getting jolts of things here and there snatches of images seem to be spiritual or otherworldly in nature.

However, there has been a lot of remodeling at my job and so even listening to regular music has been taxing, to say the least. So when I went to listen to my meditation music today it was all but impossible. Before I knew it it was lunch time and so I decided not to listen today. Yet, things don’t always work out the way you think they will.

I have been trying to get a confirmation of sorts of reincarnation and I must say things have gotten weird lately. It seems everywhere I look there is something prompting me one way or another when it comes to this subject. What is that saying, “be careful what you wish for?” I have been doing a kind of sleep meditation the last few nights and my only question has been, “I need the truth, regardless of the answer I seek truth?” You see regardless if reincarnation is real or not that is not the issue.

I grew up in an abusive household where my mother would leave bruises on me and then lie about it all the while spewing the Bible at me as if I were the great sinner. I detest liars, and so before I can commit one way or another. I only ever seek the truth no matter what it is. I don’t need the constant lies fed to us by our mothers, our fathers, society!

I choose to break from religion and seek my own spiritual path and this is a big question in that realm. Considering the religion I grew up with I never gave a second thought to reincarnation however, someone, somewhere keeps throwing this question in my face, and so I must follow the trail. Again, no matter where it leads.

That being said back to my job today. I wrapped up lunch and pulled up a playlist on my phone that I hadn’t heard in a while. Now I must tell you after three or four songs. I was shocked to my very core when the meditation music began playing again. It is not on that playlist. At least I never put it there. Thinking this was someone in the divine realm clearly trying to get me to meditate I went with the flow and began breathing deeply and attempting to clear my mind of all things (other than the work I was doing at my job that is.)

I was plodding along working and breathing when suddenly I saw an image of a young Indian girl dressed in nothing but a primitive loincloth and a makeshift top she was maybe 12 or 13 and she was running for all she was worth in the middle of the Jungle In the pouring rain. There was no sound but you could tell she was afraid of something or someone behind her. I mentally shouted who are you but no response came. I had a split second of recognition as if I were her and then she was gone. I never saw what it was she was running from because just as quickly as I saw her I was so startled at seeing her I lost the connection.

However, somewhere deep down I felt as if I were being shown myself or at least a past version of who I once was. It was so surreal it was as if I could reach out and touch the leaves on the trees as she ran past them. It wasn’t even until the images faded I realized my heart was racing and I was out of breath as if I had been running for dear life. To top it all off. Mere seconds after the image faded the smell of wet earth hit me so hard I was almost gagging. Now I know there is remodeling going on and it was raining outside however, I am in the middle of the building with no windows or anything. I tried to pass this off as something explainable but once I began asking my co-workers if they smelled something all they said was wet paint.

I couldn’t explain the smell or the fact that it wasn’t there before the images came to me or the fact that the smell stayed with me for over half an hour no matter where I was in the building afterward. After asking my boss about the smell and him looking at me like I had lost my mind I gave up trying to rationalize the moment.

Is this proof of reincarnation? I don’t know but I do know I am on to something even bigger than I know myself. I will keep digging as is my nature and will definitely keep you guys updated on the exploits of THE SPIRITUAL EXPLORER.


As you all know I am in the throes of a huge Spiritual quest. I have decided to embrace my mediumship and any and all abilities that may come with it. I bought a how-to book that takes me step by step learning to open myself up to my particular gifts and more. So the other night I did my first intentional meditation to try and reach the other side. Now I have had a lot of experiences over the last almost year since starting my journey. Yet, this time I was actively looking for anything that could point to the presence of a loved one that I have called upon to visit.

Now I am almost 43 and my grandfather died when I was 17. When I was younger I thought he was such a great man. Yet, when he died I began to hear horror stories of the things he did to his children that were just awful. It all became clear to me why most if not all 12 of his children either became abusers or married them at one time or another. I felt bad for them but not so bad that I couldn’t recognize that they were grown and capable of making different choices on their own. Like I did.

When my grandfather died I have heard the story about how he was found out in one of his cow pastures kneeling over a fallen tree with his hands still steepled in prayer and his face was wet as if he had been crying. This made me feel better about the monster I had recently found out he was. I always figured, in the end, we know in our heart of hearts that what we did on this earthly plane was wrong and it comforted me to know that my grandfather had possibly gotten right with God. Maybe that is why he died when he did. God was waiting for him to see for himself how wrong he had been before taking him.

I did, however, kind of look at my grandmother in a different way. How could she allow the abuse? As a mother and a child of abuse. I see this as unacceptable. I don’t care if they were his kids or not if he was the breadwinner in the family or not! Hitting one of my children is a deal breaker. No matter what, but those where different times I guess but it did always make me wonder. Did my grandma actually love this man?

Fast forward to the other night my first intentional meditation to attempt to communicate with the other side. As I have done extensive research on this I gather that my forefront ability as a medium is called a MENTAL Medium. I can see images as if they were downloaded into my head. Mental mediums are also highly adept at telepathy which is the transmission of information from one person to another without using any known human sensory channels or physical interaction. Which I have experienced on more than one occasion when dealing with the other side.

I said a protection prayer and then asked for my grandfather to step forward and be present. After just a few moments of meditating I felt a strong towering presence standing behind me and new without a shadow of a doubt it was in fact, my grandfather. Beyond that, I was whisked away to the scene where he drew his last breath. I felt all the emotions he felt in his final moments (and there were a lot of them). I watched the scene play out as if I were a bird flying overhead watching as the big open field narrowed in on the lone man leaning over the oversized log.

At first, I felt anger, rage, even hate but as the moment wore on it was as if this were all the ugly parts of this man and he was finally releasing them to a higher power for something greater than himself. Just as quickly as I felt these flood of emotions they changed to something brighter, peace, love, and joy. I couldn’t help but smile as this is the state in which we all strive to be in our every day lives no matter if we want to admit it or not.

That is the moment I knew he had passed, because, I have heard this story many times I felt it wasn’t yet, concrete proof I was communicating with him. So I asked him to show me something else that would without a doubt prove he was indeed in the room. No sooner had I got the request out, the image changed dark at first as if I were seeing the concrete ground of a dark alley at night but then as if a memory were taken from him and planted into my mind I saw her.

My grandmother, very young and laughing she was wearing an orange or peach blouse with little designs all over it I couldn’t make out the designs because I was so distracted by her smile and her eyes. She had the look of love on her face and I knew my grandfather was making her laugh. She had the kind of twinkle in her eyes that you only see on the face of a woman deeply in love. I felt a flood of love for her. Then as if they were being sent to me telepathically. The words,” I wasn’t always the way the kids see me,” ran through my mind. At that moment my grandmother was not my grandmother my grandfather was not my grandfather. They were just two people madly in love with the rest of their lives ahead of them. It is amazing the things we are willing to sacrifice for love.

I began to cry because one, I knew without a shadow of a doubt my grandfather was there with me and two he showed me exactly what I needed at that moment. My heart began to soften towards my grandmother and my hands and arms began to vibrate with a strange vibration I have only felt one other time before. I need to look into why this phenomenon keeps happening but for now, I feel comforted knowing even without the rest of their story that my grandfather and grandmother truly loved one another.

After the meditation, I thanked my grandfather and anyone else who may have shown up for spending time with me and closed out this brief moment. For almost an hour afterward, I could sense my grandfather following me through the house as I went from room to room doing various things before he faded. I am sure he will be back as he knows now that even though he was not the greatest father I still love him.

My grandmother just celebrated her 93rd birthday and as I write this I feel my grandfather close to me once again and I am getting a strong feeling even though he died over twenty years ago he was there with her when she blew out her candles. In fact, I keep getting an insistence that there should never have been a doubt as his place his beside her. Her health is not the greatest these days and I fear she too will be crossing to the other side sooner rather than later. However, I am comforted by the fact that I know my grandfather is there watching, and waiting for the moment when they will be together again because in the end love has no time table. It rests in its own suspended state. Where we all long to be…

This was my very first intentional meditation to try and reach someone from the other side. You may not believe in life after death or that our energies pass from one living experience to another more blissful spiritual one after we are gone from this earthly plane, but I am here to tell you. Just because you think something doesn’t exist, doesn’t mean it doesn’t. I have had way too many of these little moments to not believe. I am sure there will be many more of these little moments as my training is only just beginning. Until next time when the Spiritual Explorer writes again…



Fall is my favorite time of year! The crisp cool weather not to hot not to cold, it is just right. The leaves such beautiful hues, colors that can not be duplicated in their intensity. No matter how hard we try.

Yet, Fall also means something else, doesn’t it? Something darker, colder, more sinister. It means the cruel death of Winter is on its way. While the colors on the leaves are beautiful it just means they are already, dying. Being drained of all the life they once held in the greenery of rebirth. Now they are just an empty husk of what they once were. The tiny veins once plump and coursing with chlorophyll, now dry and brittle.

Watching these leaves descent to the ground in their one and only flight in life brings sadness to my heart. Seeing them laying on the cold earth now cracking and crumbling like ashes make me weep over the loss. Soon the trees will be bare and my yard nothing more than a graveyard of brown, memories of a past filled with life. As Winter approaches and we pray for Spring and new life. Just remember death is not far behind.

I guess this is the circle of life, we are born, we live, and then inevitably, we die. We only have to look at the trajectory of a single leaf to know this.


–   I have been reading an incredible book about being a medium. While it is a very good read and very, informative. There is one thing that has been plaguing me that was repeated throughout the book. It states from this mediums perspective, of course,  we actually choose our life plan map it out even before we are ever born.

When I first read this I was astounded. Shocked to my very core that this lady would actually believe that some of us choose to have the life we lead. How? Why? As you know I grew up with a mother that never showed me love or affection. I was abused on every level and reading this medium’s book I couldn’t quite grasp the concept that I had chosen this kind of life.  I thought, ” Soooooo…. this was my fault.?”

Yet, the more I read of the book and the more I meditate,  I am now not quite so sure she was as full of it as I thought she was. She also says in the book that we choose certain paths because we know it will teach us something that our soul needs to learn to be who we are meant to be in the here and in the afterlife. She also went on to say that if we follow a path we did not set up before we were born our spirit guides will always be there to nudge us in the right direction. That when life sucks and you feel as if you are at your worst it is because you are not listening to your inner self, not following your higher mind to do what you were meant to do.

Cut to me over twenty- six years ago. I was raised in a Pentecostal Church where the ten commandments were the only rules we should follow closely and everything spiritual that does not include what they deemed as “God’s will” was evil. There were also people that spoke in tounges. I will admit I was one of them, but this day was a Sunday morning we were having regular church after the Sunday school had let out and someone began speaking in tounges. Now Once someone did this there was always someone else there to interpret what was being said. This time was no different after the lady spoke in tounges the pastor actually came up to me in the middle of the crowd and said that it was a message to me from God. That I, a nobody, was chosen by God himself to spread his word. My reaction was one of shock and awe.

Being, I was 16 at the time and unsure if I believed in all this anyway. To say the least, I was utterly confused. I blew it off as any 16-year old I am sure would who just wanted to be invisible to the world. I couldn’t even speak publicly and God wanted me to what? I did know then as I know even more so now.  The one thing I believed in was God. A higher power something more than myself. Whether or not he was always paying attention to me was a whole other story. I would later find out with a little faith he is always there we just have to be open enough to hear him. This was the one truth I knew deep down in my soul, regardless of anything else, and that my friend is where it should start. With that one truth.

Back to the here and now a few weeks ago when I began meditating I, of course, did some research on how to do it. That is my way while immersing myself in any new project I always do my research first. There was one video on youtube where the lady explains how to meditate and all that. At the end of it though she says something that shocked me to my very core. She said, “We psychics are ministers for God just a different kind of ministers.” WHAT? KA-BLAM? That was my mind exploding by the way if you couldn’t tell. My mind is still reeling from being told I was a medium and now this. I just keep hearing it over, and over everywhere I go too.

It is like the universe is saying, “alright, alright, you’ve had your fun now it is time.” I also just know like with my writing that it is my time. I can almost hear the ring of truth to these things like they are lost parts of my soul clicking into place, where they belong, and I just know with every part of me it is all true. It is like waking up from a dream only to find out the dream was real.

After taking the time to meditate, it has now hit me like a ton of bricks and that same old clicking of place that I am once again on to something shudders in my soul. Maybe, what she said is true. Maybe, I did ask for all the trials I have been through in my life because if I am supposed to be a minister for a higher power. Who better to spread the word of love and forgiveness than someone who has been through it. Been through the most heartwrenching things anyone can go through. Maybe, for the first time, my soul is finally waking up to what it is supposed to be doing. It does seem like all the puzzle pieces of my past are coming together to show me a far different picture than what I thought it should be.

I grew up Pentecostal and with an abusive parent. Everything I did I was going to hell for according to her. I was so confused after I left home about religion and faith and well, all of it. How could someone spout righteousness and love in one breath and the next beat their child nearly unconscious? Hypocrite! Yet, my already fragile mind didn’t see it that way, One day I prayed to God asking him why? Why would he be a kind loving God and still allow my mother to do all these horrible things to me? I didn’t know what was really what religion was “right” and what religion was “wrong”. I was terrified of doing anything that would send me into the fiery pits of a forever death. I never got the kind of answer that I expected at the tender age of 19 but I did in the coming months get an answer, it was a good thing I was willing to hear it otherwise I would still be searching. In the coming months I was exposed to every religion you can think of. What  I got out of it was that everyone believes in something more than themselves. All these religions had that in common.

Again, years later I was exposed to other things some of the lost books of the Bible and my eyes have been opened to a lot of other things when it comes to God and a higher power. I question everything now, as we should be. I have had to get over the fact that the Bible was the one and only truth. There are hundreds of books missing from it so unless we question we will never have all the answers we deserve. Our souls will never get fed the food it needs to be healthy. I almost laugh now at the “coincidences” that just keep happening that I no longer believe in. There are no coincidences. It seems in the last few years all of the stuff I have learned, was the plan all along. So when the time comes to spread the word I will have an arsenal at the touch of my hand.

I am just starting out with all of this and as meditating and finding my higher self. I still feel I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, but  I have the same faith that I have in God that I will be shown the way and who knows maybe, just maybe,  I can help heal the world. I will be sharing this journey with all of you as I go. I thank God for you all, my new family every day. You give me the courage to continue this when my demons are telling me it is a waste of time. Until next time, and remember only you have the power to realize your true potential, only you have the strength to set your soul free, but if you need to hear it I have faith in all of you and good luck on your journey of finding love in the light…


I was buried in a shallow grave.  A dog found me while its owner was taking him for a walk while simultaneously jogging. I could feel his wet nose press against my skin and hear his bark to his master signaling that he had found something peculiar. A quick gasp and a shout and I could tell the jogger had found me. I could hear him dialing on his cell phone telling 911 that he had found a dead body, on the jogging trail in Central Park. The sirens soon began to pierce my ears and as they got closer and closer I became anxious. I tried to speak to let them know I was in fact still alive, but no sound escaped me. I tried to move but there was nothing.

Panic set in, as I hear doors slamming and other voices I just know they would take me to the morgue thinking I am already dead. I felt a sudden heat over my face and quickly realized someone was breathing over me. I felt plastic fingers checking for a pulse and orders being shouted to get a gurney over here now. The technician’s voice soothed me as he let someone else know there was a pulse but it was thready. I could hear metal clicking together as the weight of the dirt was lifted off of me. Now exposed completely to the world I felt naked but knew help was here to help me. Pain seared my arms and legs as they very slowly lifted me out of the earth the twigs and leaves scraping my already damaged skin.

I was lifted up and then placed on something soft and comfortable. Then slammed into the back of the ambulance, my body jolted but being this close to death I no longer felt it. The siren started again as I was raced to the hospital all the while I could hear the EMT’s and what I am assuming a police officer conversing. I caught snippets of the conversation as I went in and out of consciousness. There was something about a serial killer, still on the loose, and I had been the seventh body to be found. According to the officer, I was the only one he had left alive, and judging by the way he had left me he thought I was dead.

What they do not know is that I can’t die. Something happened in the midst of my death. I stepped away from my body and as I watched the blood pour out of me and the killer smile his evil smile as he buried me in my shallow grave I was visited by an Angel. One that was there to take me away but my refusal to do so left him intrigued and so he gifted me with the ability to walk between the veil of life and death. To be able to snatch life away and bring death down upon the earth if I so chose to or vice versa. As the ambulance stopped I was rushed to the hospital soon there were needles being poked in my arm I.V. drips being added. I spent the next several weeks going in and out of consciousness waiting for the day I cold open my eyes and speak.

Today I was released, I gave my statement to the nice policeman and as I listen to them all say it was a miracle that I survived I know now why I had. I was meant for more than just being a victim. I was meant to right the wrongs, and punish those slip past the law. I was plastered all over the news so by now my, would be killer knows he fucked up. He should have really checked for a pulse before he left me there like a dog to die, and now I know his name as well. I now walk the night in the shadows of life and death, that is my purpose. I round the corner of the alley where he first grabbed, a wicked smile curves my mouth as the moonlight shines down on me. I am watching, waiting, for my murder and I whisper, in the dark “Come to me, my sweet death awaits you, and I am she!”





<a href=””>Shallow</a&gt;


According to the dictionary, TRADITION is – the handing down of statements, beliefs, legends, customs, information, etc.

It also says that TRADITIONAL is – existing in, or as part of a tradition, long-established.

Is it safe to say then that not all traditions are good? When you think of traditions being passed down from generation to generation. From family member to family member. For the most part, it is something good. It is something that builds a legacy. It is the way you were raised that you take with you and continue on. For example, the way we celebrate the holidays. How many of you out there celebrate the way you do because that is the way your parents taught you? How many of you out there say, “I do this because it is the way I was raised!” It becomes the “traditional” thing in your family and so you continue on, but like I said before not all traditions are good are they?

Like the way we see, the world, the way we speak to one another, the way we treat other people. It is all based on some sort of traditional value that you were raised with. It is up to you to break that cycle and change tradition. It is up to you to make new traditions, and it is a hard road, an uphill battle that you sometimes don’t think you can win, but it is worth it in the end.

We are always told from an early age that our parents want more for us than what they had. At least I was and yet, the bar was set pretty low. It was never about things for me. Hell, I could have lived in a shack with dirt floors for all I care. All I ever wanted was to be seen, as a person, not an obligation. A sense of self- loathing and never being loved. That is the traditional values I grew up with and carried with me into adulthood!

That is also the traditional values I have been trying to rectify ever since. You see I didn’ t grow up in a house full of warm and cozy traditions. However, I learned through all the pains of the traditions I did grow up with that it is not a tradition I wanted my kids to carry with them. What traditional values do you want to leave behind to be passed down from generation to generation?

<a href=””>Traditional</a&gt;