LINGERS

The scent of you lingers, in the air as I snuggle in deeper into the blanket, I breathe you in.

My mind is a sea of cotton candy after being taken to the heights of ecstasy in your arms just moments ago.

I smile at the remembered taste of your lips upon mine, we devoured one another till our passion rose to a fevered pitch.

Funny how one perfect kiss can change…everything.

I can still feel your rough work calloused fingertips caressing my soft supple skin. Goosebumps begin to surface where your fingers once were.

I don’t know what turned me on more the sheer contrast between your fingertips and my bare skin, or the fact that your hands only got that way because you were providing for your family.

I stretch like a lazy feline, already missing the weight of you across my body, as I inhale you in once more.

With my body now aching in only the most delicious spots, it becomes heavy and I begin to drift off, anticipating our next “nap time” while the scent of you lingers on your pillow long after it has grown cold.

 

 

 

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There is something…

There is something in the way the cool breeze brushes gently against my face that lets me know, I am not alone.

There is something in the way the sun moved from around the trees shining its warmth and light upon me, as if it moved itself over in the sky, just for me.

There is something in the way the birds sing their song of delight that moves me and reaches my soul.

There is something about this moment. I am filled with joy and light and love and peace. I am overwhelmed with the sense that I am connected to everything around me.

The sky, the trees, the sun, every single leaf, each blade of grass. In this moment I am connected to all of it. We are one. I breath it all in gobbling it all up my soul hungry for the promise of perpetual peace it offers me.

There is something to this moment as I breath out and feel the negativity being ripped out of me and shoot out of my mouth. Black smoke filters out between my lips disappearing into the ether. I know that in this moment I am changed.

There is something here knocking at my door begging me to answer as I fill myself up to the brim with positive light. Then there is a whisper on the wind and I know in that it is me.

I am what stands on the other side of that door. Begging to be made whole for the first time.

Braver now I unlock the door with a mental click of the lock. Yes there is indeed something here…

NETFLIX AND CHILL

I just saw the cutest movie on NETFLIX. It was the usual guy meets girl romance with a twist they had known each other their whole lives and then one day realized they loved one another. It was what I think of as the perfect romantic comedy. There was endless fighting, in the beginning, but it was the fighting two people do when they have feelings for each other. They are not necessarily fighting each other so much as their feelings and that is what makes a good romantic comedy. You see the yearning for one another in their eyes and the way they watch each other it leaves you hanging on the edge of your seat and you are aching for just one on-screen kiss. So that by the time they do get together you are practically crying from relief.

Then there is the sex! Yes, there are some really great even dare I say it, Classic movies with no sex but I always feel at the end of the movie there was something missing. No, I am not a perv but at least one great sex scene would make any movie. It is not dirty sex mind you, it is the moment you realize it just became harder for one of them to walk away from each other because as we all know sex complicates, everything. Or in the case of a really, really good movie it is the moment that seals the two together in a forever kind of way.  Isn’t that every girl’s dream? To be someone’s,  forever.

Then there is always, always, always some sort of fallout and if you are anything like me when it comes to these movies you are watching the fall out with some sort of horror that this may be the one movie that ends with the two characters you have already invested the last 90 minutes or so getting to know and rooting for to not get back together. However true to any great romantic comedy, they will always, always, always, realize this person is their life, their soul, their everything and in some sort of dramatic fashion will profess their love for the other and usually this is where the movie ends with the two holding each other with a forever kind of embrace.

There is almost always that scene where the guy chases the girl in the rain and begs her to love him, while tears stream down his face. Why the rain? You ask. Because it is sooooo hot! Have you had a moment in the rain? Those movies are the best, but it also perpetuates the fantasy that the men are always in the wrong, that is why this movie was soooo much better. Both the guy and the girl had their own moment in the spotlight to confess their, true feelings to one another. As they were both being stupid and wrong? I have noticed through the years more women are the ones in movies running through the airport to profess their undying love, or running through the rain to profess their undying love. Or something very dramatic, but it is usually one of the two, right?

These fantasy movies even now that I am grown still give me a sense of whimsy and make me think anything is possible. I am always a little sad when they end because I usually don’t feel as if I have ever had that moment where he takes me in his arms and confesses his soul to me. Or had the playfulness of a dating experience knowing he would do anything to make me happy. Maybe that ‘s why I love country music so much it is raw to the bone either all about his love for her or his wishing death upon her.

Yet, this little teen movie I couldn’t stop watching over and over this weekend made me realize with a chuckle. I have had these great moments! I have been kissed in the rain at night, while he confessed to no longer being able to fight his attraction to me.

I have had very, very, very steaming sex, even been proposed to after our own fallout of course, and he even professed his undying love for me as he was down on bended knee. Some things we tend to forget in life, but it is nice when you are reminded of just how much your life has truly been like a romantic comedy, of sorts. Just how green your grass really is on this side of the fence.

I love my husband and while he is not a starry-eyed romantic like me when he is romantic, lookout! I realized in the course of the movie that he is my own personal brooding bad boy. Once a bad boy gives his heart away it’s, forever, and changes his ways all for her. He would do anything and everything for her, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Funny how badly I got teased as a kid for putting too much faith in these romantic comedies because they were just fantasy. Even my own mother would laugh at me for believing in such nonsense, something as fictional as a “romantic comedy”. According to her real love doesn’t exist the way it does in the movies. Maybe that’s why she is on husband number THREE!!!!!!!!!!!! All  I can say is after twenty years of being together and almost seventeen being married, WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, MOM!

If you love romantic comedies check out THE KISSING BOOTH ON NETFLIX TODAY!

 

 

 

MEMOIRS

Soooo. I had a book reading for my book at the bookstore that I do all my open mike nights at. The book that I have been working on for nearly 2 years and is now for sale on Barnes and Noble and Amazon. In case you are new to my blog, it is called MEMOIRS OF A BIRTH MOTHER. 

I advertised for over a month of the upcoming event and even had a lot of people say they were coming that didn’t but in the end, it was a spectacular day. My family who never took me seriously showed up to support me and that in and of itself was heartwarming.

My reading was the day before mother’s day and if any of you have read any of my book it is about the struggle I had in giving my daughter up for adoption over 20 years ago. There is even a chapter in there that goes over that first mothers day and how hard it was for me after giving her up.

I do have a relationship with my daughter now once she hit 18 we were able to exchange information and we, text and talk al the time. I even had the privilege of meeting her for the first time since she was 18 months old toward the end of last summer and it was amazing!

She even talked about coming to my reading all the way from Texas in the military and now 5 months pregnant. Yet the closer the reading got she dropped hints that she wasn’t coming. I was disappointed sure, but I understood.

Then the big day was finally here and not a lot of people showed but as it was the day before mother’s day again I  understood that they may have other plans. Seconds before I was to take the stage already in terrified mode. A flurry of pink catches my eye from the window and there she was. My daughter and her husband walking into my little bookstore in a town she had never been in like a boss!

I instantly burst into tears and wanted so badly to cancel the reading just to spend time with her but I didn’t. As they say, the show must go on and so what felt like mere seconds of hugging her tightly and crying I excused myself to the bathroom and regrouped.

The reading went off without a hitch and as I sat there reading about one of the most difficult times in my life. While my daughter sat there in front of me was, indescribable. She had already read the book and I knew this but to actually be reading about the hardest thing I have even gone through with the very person that stole my heart so long ago was a different kind of animal altogether.

I have talked about how writing this book has set me free of a past that haunted me daily before but at this moment, I truly felt the freedom I had been spouting for the last year and a half. The past was truly melting away with the words I had written that were now being expunged from my mouth. My emotions were at an all-time high and it was as if my daughter and I relived this past together. For one brief moment, we were one again.

Even, though a lot of people didn’t show they missed out because everyone that did show came to me after the reading was over and said that they were glad they got to witness such heartbreaking beauty. They all bore witness and lived my past pain with me, and it seemed for the first time they understood my pain and all I had gone through so long ago. It was more than I ever expected in my very first reading.

I have had some horrible moments in my life (more than most), I have even had some spectacular moments in my life but this day, blew every day I have ever had before it good or bad out of the water. To know that I have so many people in my life that cared enough about me to show for the event and then there was my daughter. My entire reasoning behind the book in the first place. As I said in my book she is and always will be the very first love of my life.

To know that we are in such a good place that she would travel to Kansas City all the way from Texas even if it were for only a few hours just to support me is the single most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. As you might know, if you have read some of my previous blogs. I have never had a good relationship with my own mother and I never thought in my wildest dreams I would have the kind of relationship I do with my daughter considering I didn’t raise her. Yet, for her to come out and support me… I must have done something right!

In conclusion, I just wanted to share with you guys the best mother’s day weekend of all my 22 years of being a mother. And if you want to check out the reading it was recorded live on Facebook check it out or you can just buy the book it is only in print on Amazon though. I will add the cover below have a spectacular day!

 

The link below is for Amazon

The link below is for Barnes and Noble!

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/memoirs-of-a-birth-mother-angela-appleby/1127755259?ean=2940158983825

 

 

MORAL OF THE STORY…

I came across an article tonight while browsing through Facebook and it was terrifying. It was about these Russian Scientists who had supposedly found a specific gas that kept people awake indefinitely. So they tested it on 5 inmates or people they had chosen that were (enemies of the state) and told them if they stayed awake for 30 days they would be freed.

They locked them in a sealed room and began pumping this gas into it. After just a few short days the “inmates” began exhibiting weird behavior. By the time 15 days of sleep deprivation, they were all but mad. They had even begun eating their own flesh like zombies instead of the food they were provided. Their bodies even became unrecognizable to the Scientists.

They were little more than living breathing nightmares. Who after the Scientists decided they had had enough turned the gas off the “inmates” begged for it to be turned back on because they did not want to go to sleep. At this part of the story, I asked the question were they so intent on getting free they would risk everything even their humanity to be free? Or were they simply addicted to the noxious gas at this point?

Anyway, after the government took over and began testing the “inmates” as soon as they put them to sleep their hearts gave out and died one by one till there was only one left. Who begged and pleaded to be put back in the room and gassed. The governor obliged and as one military operative couldn’t stand to be around the “monster” he killed the governor and then attempted to kill the monster, saying he would not be locked in here with these things.

But before he did he asked the “monster” “what are you?” The thing that used to be just a man that was now some sort of beast looked up at the soldier and said simultaneously the most chilling thing I have ever heard and one of the most poetic. He said,

“How quickly you forget.” “We are you,” he continued. The researcher could only watch in horror as the prisoner explained what he had become, “WE ARE THE MADNESS THAT LURKS WITHIN YOU ALL, BEGGING TO BE FREE AT EVERY MOMENT IN YOUR DEEPEST ANIMAL MIND. WE ARE WHAT YOU HIDE FROM IN YOUR BEDS EVERY NIGHT. WE ARE WHAT YOU SEDATE INTO SILENCE AND PARALYSIS WHEN YOU GO TO THE NOCTURNAL HAVEN WHERE WE CANNOT TREAD.”

The story goes on to tell that this story is a possible hoax but the moral of the story is to get some sleep. However, I think this passage alone paints a different moral to the story.

We are all just animals trying to survive. How quickly we tend to forget that there is a certain madness to us all. Deep deep down there is a primal part of us that even we ourselves will not admit to, or see. We see this madness leak out and take over all the time. You just have to turn on the news to see it. It is by our will and the grace of God that the world is not plunged into chaos at every turn. I imagine this will be what the end of days are like brother, sister, mother, father, husband, wife, all falling prey to the madness that lurks inside of us. It will be the few that are strong enough mentally to be able to stand in the presence of God that will be forgiven for the ultimate sin of giving in to our basic human nature.

I get told I am crazy all the time, but very few have ever seen actual crazy. Being driven mad by your own thoughts. Your mind breaking and betraying you. Leading you into a false sense of freedom that will never truly exist. Watching as someone goes from loving and kind to an ax-wielding murderer. Witness the moment their mind snaps and fractures, never to be whole again.

It is a sobering thought that I have come close a time or two. To be able to say Fuck it and let the insanity take hold. Yet, I knew I would never be me again if I let it take me. So I clung to the thread of sanity I had and for what seemed like the millionth time became wholly me again.

I know what it takes to pull yourself back from the brink of insanity. I have stared down that particular abyss many a time. I don’t judge anyone’s inability to not pull themselves back from the brink. I just think there should be more of us that have come close, to be there for the ones that do. After all, we are all animals, just a different species is all.

The moral of the Russian story should be not to get more sleep, but to remember we are all driven to madness once in a while. It is what we do in those times that the darkness has become a reality that separates us from the rest of the animals in the world.

SCARS

I was sitting in the hospital four days ago waiting for the results of my X-rays when the nurse popped in and asked me the most peculiar question. First, she told me that my foot had, had a piece of bone chipped off the 5th bone that connects to my pinkie toe. She was told to ask me if it was an old fracture as it appeared to be old. As I have never had this happen before I told her there was no possible way it was old. Plus the fact that my foot is purple and black and swelled up so bad it looks as if there is a softball under the skin it had to be a recent fracture right?

As they continued my treatment I was asked a couple more times by the X-ray tech and the Dr. if it was an old fracture. I was positive it was new and they set me up for a follow up in 3 to 5 days and sent me on my way.

What I neglected to tell them though was that by the time they asked a third time I wasn’t so sure anymore if the chipped bone was old or new. You see when I was young my mother was abusive once I remember having my head bashed into the carpet so many times I thought she might have broken my nose. After it happened she basically told me that she was sorry but that I shouldn’t push her to that point. Really? I was like 7 or 8. After several days of swelling, I forgot about the pain and the whole incident.

Then several years ago, over twenty years after the incident. I went to the Dr. for one thing or another and he took one look at my nose and asked how long it had been since it had been broken. All the pain and memories from that day came flooding back to me.

Fast forward to four days ago with the incessant questioning about a possible past fracture and I was right back there in the other Dr’s office finding out that my nose had indeed been broken before.

With my memory so splintered over a past, I have repeatedly tried to forget. Maybe it is just another memory lurking in the back of my mind. Waiting to be revealed when I least expect it. It sends a chill of fright down my spine to think there are memories I have suppressed or forgotten. Considering the ones I do remember are the stuff of nightmares.  How much worse can they get, honestly?

It just goes to show no matter how much you try to leave the past in the past, as they say, sometimes your memory will betray you. I have found though, past memories revealing themselves in small increments have helped me move on from them, and while it stung to think I had gotten another broken bone from my mother that I have no memory of it didn’t completely destroy me either. My friend stated that “the scars we receive as children, shape us into the adults we become.”  At first, I hated the thought of this concept but as yet, another layer of my past is peeled back like a scab on a dirty knee. I revel in it. These scars let me know I have been through something and I survived it.

I smile at each and every one of them because I am alive and for the most part of sound mind. I guess the scars we receive as children, really do shape us into the adults we become. It is just important to not let them break you in the end.

I guess I am, healing after all!

I AWAIT DEATH WITH BATED BREATH

I woke up a few months ago with the overwhelming feeling that I was going to die. It was so bad for days I would start to hyperventilate for no reason. This feeling haunted me for weeks, I was sick to my stomach for the most of it. Then the feeling subsided and I just thought maybe I was finally cracking up and the feeling I was having was just a part of that.

Then recently, like in the last week, I stepped off the sidewalk in front of my house as I was heading for my car and my left foot went one way and the rest of me went the other. I scraped up my right knee and leg pretty bad but my left foot was fractured and bruised all to hell.

Four days later and it is still swollen horribly bad and the bruising has only gotten worse since. Everyone that knows me well has all chalked it up to me being a klutz, yet, it got me thinking about those couple of weeks I was paralyzed with the fear that death was upon me.

A shiver ran down my spine as I thought about all the things that have happened to me since then. I cut my hand shortly after and for the first time in my life had to have stitches, then in January, my car went off into a ravine due to the ice and snow, not a ditch, a ravine, and now this. All in a matter of five months. It feels as if death is just toying with me now. The really weird part is that I had a dream just two nights before my foot accident that I had sprained it and was on crutches. Was this some sort of premonition? As I am now on crutches.

Should I be afraid? Or this all just a big coincidence? Please let me know your thoughts on this anytime as with this new development sleep eludes me once again…