FRACTURED

As  I sit here staring at the moonlight, I feel empty. What once gave me pleasure now just hangs there like a wasted ornament on a lifeless tree.

I rise broken and frayed I stumble toward its healing power. Yet he and I both know he can’t fix this thing that is broken inside of me.

I can still hear the first crack of my mind as it continues to echo and splinter out. The sound like so many bones breaking under pressure and I think to myself “am I already dead?”

My soul weeps for my heart as it shatters along with what’s left of my mind and I find that the light has gone out and I am once again alone, in the darkness.

My eyes begin to burn with unshed tears, tears that I have cried a thousand times, and I wonder much like the bear in the woods can your mind really break if no one is there to witness it?

I can hear the time slowly ticking down like that of a bomb counting down to my extinction, as the fear that I am losing my mind overtakes me.

An agonizing, painful, death if there ever was one. To watch and wait with bated breath as your mind slowly gives way, to oblivion.

I sit here on my playground of insanity with its lifeless trees with their lifeless leaves. All the color has been leached out of them and me I am alone amidst the desolation.

After all these years, and all these times I have fought and won, I laugh at the thought that this, this is what will finally break me. This is what will finally win the war I wage daily.

Once the question “how much more can one person possibly take?'” began to circle my brain I knew it was only a matter of time before my mind began to break.

The earth began to quake, I began to shake, the rubber band that was holding the pieces of my mind finally snapped with a crispness somehow only I could hear.

Trapped in the recesses of my own mind, I seek solace where there is none, I seek peace in a never-ending war, I seek quiet in the midst of a raging storm. There is none.

There is nothing only me, sitting here with my fractured mind, on a moonless, colorless night.

 

 

 

 

 

MAKE ME SMILE?

Here lately I have felt, blah! Just blah, A few weeks ago I went through some traumatic events as you all should know if you have been reading my blog (hint! hint!) I have faced and overcome and now I just feel empty. Maybe it is a sort of depression, I mean I don’t want to work, I don’t want to clean my house, hell it has been a struggle just spending time with my kids, or write. Yet I still shore myself up and just do it. Something my boss said in our last meeting over my quality of calls I take has been stuck in my head for days now, and after a conversation, I had with my bestie this morning makes me wonder even more. Am I more broken than I think I am? He said that I was very transactional on the phone no emotion or anything, and it got me thinking about the past.

I have a past filled with stuff you only see on tv, (especially Lifetime), it is not something easily talked about as it is an emotional landmine. My friend has been through much the same stuff I have and as I told her this morning we should praise God every day we can get through without becoming a stereotype. You know those stories you hear about the young girl selling herself to fill a void in her life or the young girl that was found dead in an alley from an overdose all to fill some void in her life, or being homeless and starving because the alternative was just too much to bear. (Do you see a theme here?)

Every day that we can go out into the world and function like everyone else is a blessing. Those we love may not get it and that is okay because I wouldn’t wish anyone the amount of pain I have endured in my lifetime. I just consider us warriors, strong enough to overcome our past and not be ruled by it. Our strength is what makes us beautiful. It’s what drives us to be better, better for our children, better for our significant others, better for ourselves. I did a blog recently on strength and the question still remains what can make me so strong willed and others not? All I know is that by the grace of God I am alive and well today, and I am grateful for that every day!

I have been told on numerous occasions let the past go! Forgive and forget! That my friend is easier said that done. As anyone who has ever been through a horrible trauma can attest. Yet, what these people don’t understand is there is a difference between letting go and forgetting. I have completely forgiven but I can never forget. For people like my friend and I that have suffered abuse after abuse after abuse as a child will never be able to forget that we were once deemed as nothing of consequence. She said something interesting to me today. It was “what we go through in our childhood shapes who and what we become.” If this is true I have come a long way since then and I am all the better despite it. She is right the scars we collect in our youth are ones we carry close to us, is it so that we do remember and strive to not be like that or is it simply a blanket of comfort that we hold on to?

Back to my boss saying my calls were great except for the whole emotional thing. He said I was very transactional on the calls. I realize more and more as I get older that my past has indeed shaped who and what I am. The one thing in my life I wish I could change is that I have no emotions when it comes to certain things. I don’t cry, EVER! Except when I am watching Lifetime of course! I shed a tear here or there but not all out tears. I am uncomfortable around people when they talk about weddings, or funerals, or even that someone I know gave birth. The minute it seems like something real and emotional I shut down. Maybe it has become a self-preservation thing, or maybe my emotional scars keep me from feeling things I should. Either way, it is off-putting to most people but what can you do? If this is the most horrific thing I have from my past then I think I can live with that. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more than blah, and smile again, but for now, I am enjoying the peacefulness of my favorite spot in the yard as I watch the sun go down.

ALL OF ME

All of Me
What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh oh
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world
     I never really listened to this song before and today I listened to it. Between the lyrics and the tone of the music, it is in a word beautiful. We all go through life looking for this, this one person out there that accepts us as we are and loves all of us with all of them. It is something some of us spend a lifetime searching for, yet most of us never find. It is a select few that seem to find their perfect match. Their one true love, that one person you can’t breathe without them. It reminds me of the fairy tale I saw as love when I was a child. That love was some kind of perfect entity all on it’s own. That nothing could break a couple if they were truly in love.
   However for some it I have found it is hard to hold on to that lightening in a bottle and let the flame go out due to one reason or another. They let life get in the way and that is a shame, because the fairy tale isn’t really a fairy tale. If you find that one true person that knows your heart, that one person that see and “love all your curves and edges”, that  “all your perfect imperfections” then you should hold on tight and never let them go. The one that thinks you are their end and their beginning even when they lose their winning because you are by their side. It is a beautiful thing, to be that person they need.
   I have found that, and I refuse to let go. After a lifetime of frogs, I have found my prince. We have been together for many years now and after all the graying of hair, the weight gain, the wrinkles he still looks at me as if I am that girl that walked toward him down the aisle in the fairy tale wedding gown. I am grateful for that. We have weathered many storms together and it has only made us stronger. Unlike the fairy tale a real relationship takes work. If it someone that truly knows your heart it is always worth the effort. As someone that had a rough life previous to us getting together, I am eternally grateful. Thank you, Jason, for loving all my perfect imperfections, All of me will always love all of you…

CHOICES

It is said that we are the choices we make. If that is true, how do we know when it is the right choice. We can wish to turn back the clock all we want, but the fact remains that we can’t. Once the choice has been made there is no going back, there is no turning back time there are only the choices we made and the consequences that follow. I have learned this over and over again throughout my life. None greater than the moment I chose to give my daughter up for adoption. It was the hardest choice I ever made and it has haunted me daily since that day.

Some of the choices we make, even know we know in the deepest part of ourselves it was the right choice can have a lasting effect, forever. It is like when you skip rocks on the water, the ripple effect goes on and on and on. I know in the deepest part of me that due to my circumstances and the never ending trials set before me that giving her up was the best thing for her, and yet it is a battle I would never win with myself. I have constantly questioned did I do the right thing? Did I make the right choice? For the past twenty -one years.  Even seeing how she has flourished and had every opportunity I still question my actions so long ago.

It became utterly clear to me,  that it was indeed the right choice when her father contacted me after all these years. This was my worst fears come to life, this man rejected her then, what could he possibly want with her now? Yet, another choice I would have to make regarding the welfare of my child. If he hurt her or rejected her again, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I was inconsolable for days, having dredged up so many past memories most of which I had forgotten about. Speaking to this man, this man that I had deemed the devil for so long was like a slap in the face, and yet, the more we spoke the more I realized. The choice I made, the one that had been haunting me for the past twenty-one years was, in fact, the right one.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t ready to have her, it wasn’t that I didn’t love her because I do. It was that I wanted to give her everything. The world, with all its endless possibilities. I couldn’t give her that, but the one thing I could do was give her to a loving family that could give her the world. The choices I made have come full circle since speaking to her father. The man that even now seems to have not learned anything from the past. The man that is still rejecting her today. I realized in the moment. That his choices may be eating him up and that is okay with me. But my choices I had to make the tough decision to give her what I new I couldn’t. If in fact, we are the choices we make, then I like to think I am the strong enough to let go when the touch choices come, and I am a loving mother that would and did do anything for their child even if that meant giving her to someone else to raise.

ANCIENT ALIENS OR ANGELS AMONG US PART 4?

It has been a while since I posted a blog about this subject and there are three other blogs I have done on this very subject. I meant to do one a week but have really been trying to finish a novel and so this particular blog fell to the wayside. There is so much research going into this that it began to take up more and more of my time. However, every single time my friend and I get together whether it be just hanging out or having drinks we always wind up talking about this very subject.

To be honest, she is the one that got me thinking the way my mind as gone Biblically, speaking. It is true once you go down this road and begin seeing the past in a whole new light, it brings everything into question. You begin to question everything, from the angels, to the alignment of the stars even. I was raised Pentecostal and as I left home and began to expand my religious horizons I no longer label myself as “Pentecostal”. I found that God is there no matter what I chose to call myself and so I am no longer a “religion” I am a believer in something more than myself.

I come from a religion that speaks in tounges, a “holy roller” if you will, and I have realized outside of that world that some may actually see that as witchcraft. Unless you have witnessed it for yourself, you cannot know that it is truly the word of God speaking through you. I like my friend didn’t want to be blasphemous when we each began our own journey of spiritual discovery, but the deeper we both went down this particular rabbit hole the more we, realized the ring of truth to it all. I have always had a special relationship with God and I can feel it in my bones the trueness, of what I have found.  I can feel it in my soul, that while I believe in God there is a history from our past that once you begin connecting all the dots it makes for the most interesting patterns. A puzzle that fits perfectly together. I may not have all the answers, but it has gotten me to question so many myths and legends. I will never question the existence of my God but the past always!

I talked about the lost book of Enoch in a previous blog which I thought was the only one, and yet recently I have discovered that there are hundreds. There are even whole chapters taken out of the existing books that make up our Bible today. I wondered, why? Then it hit me. Religion has always been an institution. It has been the one constant thing in our history man has fought over. There have been wars, actual wars, fought for decades even over religion our world history is rife with it,  since the day of the great tower of babble, why? Because, someone, somewhere decided there was only one religion and so the great people of that particular culture. Did away with all the things they weren’t trying to sell us on. They made the Bible the Bible the only thing we should go by, robbing us of our true history in the process.

My friend pointed out that the first time she heard about God being so vengeful in the old testament she thought how wrong is that. Someone was lying to her, the God she knew was a loving God, a patient God, a kind God, then she began to read the parts of the Bible that hint that God was, in fact, a vengeful God. What she discovered blew her mind. She read of God having men go out and destroy villages, towns, giant cities even and the only question was why? Why would he do such a thing, there were women and children there. Why would God give such a horrific order? Then she realized with a few more puzzle pieces that these weren’t ordinary people. They were the product of the sons of God and the daughters of men. They were an abomination. They were creatures that should have never existed. They were the offspring of Angels lying with human women. They were something forbidden by God. Soulless creatures infecting the only creatures God made in his image, humanity.

They had to be destroyed, and so God did what he had to do to protect us from an almost certain hell on earth. People may say this is blasphemy, and yet the Bible has just enough of the truth sprinkled throughout it that you know it’s true. I used to think that the Bible was made up the way it was because God didn’t want us to know our true history. These days I am not so sure, I think that it is just certain religions wanting us to buy into the concept of what they are selling. I as a human a creature of curiosity have discovered I can’t go back to the way I used to think. I have to move forward and get answers. I want to know the details of my past. I want to know that great beasts once trampled the earth and almost mankind. Yet, the more I find, the more questions I have.

Such as the star alignment. I was speaking to my friend a few days ago about it and we both got chills when even more puzzle pieces from the past revealed themselves. Star alignment and the star you were born under has been downplayed to nothing more than witchcraft, or hokum and yet, as my friend pointed out Jesus himself, God’s only son was born under a star. The star of David. It was this star the three wise men followed to find the baby Jesus to bring him gifts and praise him. This very same star plays a significant role in our lives, even today. Hunters are guided by it,  astrologers are awed by it, it has guided so many people lost, back home. It even has me searching for it in the night sky, it is the star we have all come to know as the North Star. It has always pointed North or on  a more sentimental point for us lowly humans, it is home. Even in Genesis Chapter one verse one and two states.

1. IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH.

2. AND THE EARTH WAS WITHOUT FORM, AND VOID, AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE DEEP. AND THE SPIRIT OF GOD MOVED UPON THE FACE OF THE WATERS.

3.  AND GOD SAID, LET THERE BE LIGHT: AND THERE WAS LIGHT.

4. GOD SAW THE LIGHT, THAT IT WAS GOOD: AMD GOD DIVIDED THE LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS.

5. AND GOD CALLED THE LIGHT DAY, AND THE DARKNESS HE CALLED NIGHT. AND THE EVENING AND THE MORNING WERE THE FIRST Day.

6. AND GOD SAID, LET THERE BE A FIRMAMENT, IN THE MIDST OF THE WATERS, AND LET IT DIVIDE THE WATERS FROM THE WATERS.

7. AND GOD MADE THE FIRMAMENT AND DIVIDED THE WATERS WHICH WERE UNDER THE FIRMAMENT FROM THE WATERS WHICH WERE ABOVE THE FIRMAMENT: AND IT WAS SO.

8. AND GOD CALLED THE FIRMAMENT HEAVEN. AND THE EVENING AND THE MORNING WERE THE SECOND DAY.

14. AND GOD SAID, LET THERE BE LIGHTS IN THE FIRMAMENT OF THE HEAVEN TO DIVIDE THE DAY FROM THE NIGHT; AND LET THEM BE FOR SIGNS, AND FOR SEASONS, AND FOR DAYS, AND YEARS.

15. AND LET THEM BE FOR LIGHTS IN THE FIRMAMENT OF THE HEAVENS TO GIVE LIGHT UPON THE EARTH: AND IT WAS SO.

16. AND GOD MADE TWO GREAT LIGHTS; THE GREATER LIGHT TO RULE THE DAY, AND THE LESSER LIGHT TO RULE THE NIGHT: HE MADE THE STARS ALSO.

17. AND GOD SET THEM IN THE FIRMAMENT OF THE HEAVEN TO GIVE LIGHT UPON THE EARTH.

18. AND TO RULE OVER THE DAY AND OVER THE NIGHT, AND TO DIVIDE THE LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS: AND GOD SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD.

19. AND THE EVENING AND THE MORNING WERE THE FOURTH DAY.

This is mind blowing. Once the rose- colored glasses come off and you think about it. It says it in Chapter one. That he created these lights to he says in there he created them for signs, seasons, days and years. So is it too far fetched to think that we were all born special? That even the time of day we were born the stars were aligned for that one moment, that one moment we drew our first breath. I like to think so. This is just one of the many things I have had to change my thinking on the past. A realignment of my mind so to speak. The shift in thinking is a click of the brain, that moment when everything makes sense. I will warn you again though, once your mind goes down this path there is no point of no return. I know I haven’t talked any about the angels vs aliens thing in this blog. But just confirming this one little thing, suggests that there were angels instead of aliens among us. That the rest of our history is buried somewhere in the books of the Bible and I for one cannot wait to unravel the mystery. To piece together the puzzle that is our history, and finally have the answer is it ANCIENT ALIENS OR ANGELS AMONG US?

IT’S MY ANNIVERSARY!

Today is the day, today is my Anniversary! Or should I call it my blogaversary! Yes, yes, it was two years ago today I posted my first post on WordPress. I have grown so much since then as a person and a writer. It has given me a certain freedom I never knew was possible. Being able to write what I want, say exactly how I feel, with no judgment only support. I,  like so many others, needed that in my life so thank you blog family. As I sit here listening to Theory of a Deadman’s SACRIFICE, one of the inspirations for my blog name, and my theme song. It got me thinking about Sacrifice and all the things people sacrifice for others. Like today Memorial Day the day, we celebrate all the good men and women in the military that have sacrificed the ultimate sacrifice their lives, dedicated to making our lives one filled with peace, and the blanket of freedom so many of us take for granted as we lay our heads down at night on our comfortable pillows. While they are holed up somewhere, not so comfortable.

It got me thinking about our liberties, the rights we were given when our forefathers wrote the constitution especially the freedom of speech, and the freedom to write said speeches. The rights that our military still fight for today.  Our history is filled with great men and women that exercised their liberty to speak their minds and had the guts to share them with the world. Such greats as Martin Luther King, Maya Angelou, Charlotte Bronte, Abraham Lincoln, and one Mr. John F. Kenedy.  It makes me feel grateful to be an American woman with the freedom to write and speak as I see, please. When just a few short years before women were only seen and not heard. It gives me a sense of purpose in a world of uncertainty. It is a great time to be an American.

However, times they are a changing. After watching this year’s election, and seeing so many people on facebook and twitter tweeting about everything. I realized that our world, nay my country is filled with censorship. You can’t say this, you can’t say that someone might get offended. Which, the more I think about it pisses me off. Is this the government’s way of working around the Constitution? A loophole if you will. Something our country was built on or has America gone soft. Do they not realize that it is our inalienable right to speak our minds, to write as the greats once did. So what if I piss someone off with my words. In my experience, if I have pissed you off with my words I have struck some kind of cord of truth. Why is it okay for someone to get offended by what I write, but it is not okay for me to be upset they are trying to take my rights away? Doesn’t seem fair, does it? After all only sticks and stones can really break me?

It amazes me that there is so much censored now that we have to walk through the landmine of our words. It frustrates me to no end that instead of taking a leap from where all the greats began leading us in the past we seemed to have gone backward. Before you know it women will be back to not having the same rights we all fought for, for so long. Yet, today, today is not that day. Today is the day we celebrate those that have fought for our, my right to speak my mind and use my words. “The pen is mightier than the sword” for now, and so I pick up my sword and fight. I fight for my right to speak my mind to write about injustice and celebrate my right to offend whomever I chose, simply because I can…

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY EVERYONE!

TIRED!

As I sit here in the waning twilight in my favorite spot in the yard. I feel empty, void even. I have just come back from my 3rd Sunday night open mike poetry night and I feel nothing which is disconcerting because I usually feel a sense of peace and the words seem to flow like lava after leaving there but tonight, tonight I feel nothing. Oh, wait no I do, I feel exhausted! I am so tired, of caring about well, everything. I am listening to Kaleo’s Way Down We Go and I don’t know if it is the music or the events of this week but I am so flipping tired.

I am tired of no one taking me seriously, I am tired of being the butt of everyone’s jokes, I am tired of being that person. You know the one, that person that for some reason all their life is never actually seen for who and what they are. I have realized after this week that I again, am someone that is expendable to those I cherish most. After nineteen years of being with my husband, the reality is it doesn’t matter to his family.

I am the wife that cleaved to her husband that put all others aside and threw myself into this family. Mostly because my family is crap. I thought hey, I can make them my family and so I have. Every now and then I am reminded that I am still the outsider, and it hurts, but at the same time, I am angry. Angry that my past came back with a vengeance, angry that the people I have come to know and love as a family have yet again shredded my heart without a thought as to my feelings.

It came to me yesterday when I received a half ass apology from one of these family members about things that were said and to keep the peace I just let it go, again! It also came to me that no one really knows me. Why is that? I have spent years trying to outrun the demons of a past that continue to circle the wagons like buzzards, and yet no matter what I do what I say. Other people have formed and opinion of me that tastes like acid on my tongue. No one ever says, “OMG! I am so sorry this happened to you” or ” How do you feel!” All I hear is “get over it” or the more biblical terms “turn the other cheek”. I have turned the other cheek so long I am running out of cheeks, here. Is it that I have been hurt and put down for so long that I am just used to letting things go or is there something wrong with me.

I internalize all the painful words and the hateful comments so much it is eating away at me. Then one day it is just KABOOM!  Shrapnel everywhere! I am forty, forty and today I feel like that scared little girl I used to be huddling in the darkened corner of her room praying no one finds me. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to say For Fuck’s sake just SEE ME! See the person I am not the one you think I am. Why can’t they see me for, me? It is exhausting being the complacent one.

Earlier this week I got to say the things I needed to say to a certain someone that has been building up in me for over twenty-one years. A lifetime, and even though it brought me temporary peace it brought all the painful reminders with it. Instead of a shoulder to cry on I also got horrible things said to my face from people that claim they love me, people that claim to be my family. I act tough most of the time, and yes, I am built of pretty sturdy stuff but I ask you when do the hits stop coming? When is it my time to scream, cry, and shout?

On the few occasions, I have lost it. I was told I needed medication. Really? Is it too much to ask for a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to. Anyone? As I sit here now in the near dark,  there is nothing I am sad in my soul and I can’t even shed a tear for the loss I feel. The loss of trust, the loss of a family I thought I had. It is enough to make my heart hurt. Why do I continuously surround myself with such selfishness, so absorbed in their own stuff they can’t even see I am falling apart inside? I am tired of placating everyone else. I am tired of pretending everything is fine when it is not. I am tired of constantly making others feel better about their wrong doings all the while I am dying inside. I am tired of being alone and adrift on my island of nothingness. Floating toward an abyss I can never reach the end of. I am just tired. Anyone have any suggestions?