I am almost 42 and I gotta say fear has been a common occurrence in my life. Coupled with the awful upbringing and my own nature I, to be honest with myself have been terrified of well, everything!

I would always say that my only fear is snakes but deep down. I have been afraid of life itself and all its possibilities. I am afraid to do anything in public, such as dancing, singing, or even reading (that last one though I have worked hard to overcome). I am afraid to try new things, so I have missed out on what I am sure were epic unforgettable moments. Then there is the big one, the fear of being myself.

For so long I acted exactly how everyone wanted me to. I would say I was complacent because I didn’t like confrontation, but the real truth is  I didn’t want to voice my opinion on the off chance that I was wrong.  I was so afraid of losing the man I love, or what little friends I had to fully explore the, me that is real. The bigger concern is I was so busy trying to please everyone I never took the time to get to know me and to be honest I was terrified of finding out.

As we all have a dark side, I have seen my dark side on rare occasions but I repressed that part of me and buried her deep, deep down but she is always there, always lurking, always fighting for a chance to be free. Yet, that is where the part of me that fights her own battles, the part of me that doesn’t sit complacently by and let people take advantage, the part of me that is braver, reside. That part of me is the Yin to my Yang, and I have been trying to slowly connect those two parts of myself over the last few weeks but I know there is something broken there. A piece of me still missing, that would bridge the gap and make me whole.

Still filled with fear over exploring this missing link I am working hard to overcome it because I  if only for a moment have felt what its like to be whole. To have all the jagged pieces of myself come together like a puzzle and see the big picture.

The very first time I meditated after it was revealed to me that I was a medium was the next day. It was a Sunday with not a cloud in the sky, a warm summer day not to hot not to cold. Not knowing how to go about doing this I researched several videos on youtube (it has everything). I sat in my favorite chaise lounge in the yard surrounded by nature, I put on some tranquil music and began breathing ( that is what meditation is all about you know, the breathing) I began breathing deeper and deeper letting my mind go blank and the weight of the world just kind of slip off my shoulders and out of my body.

I visualized breathing in white light and cool air and breathing out the negativity that has plagued me for so long. I began to feel the cool air I was sucking in and see behind my closed lids this white pure energy going into my nose and spreading throughout my body. I could see every time I breathed the negative out it came out of my mouth in a swirling cloud of black and grey smoke. This in, an of itself was quite the experience.

Then something strange happened. The sun felt as if it actually moved from its spot behind the shade of the tree as if to shine on me my own little spotlight if you will, a breeze that wasn’t there before suddenly cooled my face and I was filled to the brim with the most extraordinary sense of peace, love, and actual joy. I was in the moment with all of me whole for the first time in my life.

Don’t get me wrong I have had moments in my life of all of these things, the birth of my children, my wedding day, even more recently I got to go back to a job I actually like, but never in the whole of my life have I experienced them all together. For the very first time I was whole, all the pieces that make, up, who and what I am down to the very core of me were present. It was an indescribable moment. In this moment fear was gone and even my soul was at peace.

I basked in the glory of the moment for what felt like an eternity as even time had seemed to stop. Just as I was getting used to this moment once again something changed. The atmospheric pressure seemed to change energy and suddenly I felt someone or something there. A presence just to my left about four feet away. I opened my eyes for the first time since beginning to meditate fully expecting someone to be standing there I didn’t physically see them but knew with absolute certainty they were there.

I thought to myself “don’t be afraid.” I thought this twice and the third time I whispered, “don’t be afraid.” The moment it slipped out of my mouth this presence moved and was now standing right next to me. I could even feel the heat from his energy on my bare arm. I looked down to the ground right there next to me and a flash of blue-white light I have ever seen crossed my mind. I also saw wings just the tips but there were like glass, and also the same blue-white as the angel himself. I knew it was a masculine energy and I knew he was everything that was light and love. Then I saw more than heard the words, ” I have been with you the whole time you are just now seeing for the first time” flash in my mind. Then another flash came to me and I saw a string connected from my side to his side a white tether. That even though looked rather flimsy I knew was unbreakable.

Tears flooded my eyes and I knew I would never feel alone again. I thought to myself “what will happen next.” So I closed my eyes and began meditating again. With my hands outstretched on the lounge chair, I began to get in that moment again. Where the world falls away and it is just me. The sun seemed to move from behind the shade of the branches once again and the cool breeze that never existed washed over my face.

This time I felt as if someone brushed my hand with the back of theirs on my right and as I chanted once again “don’t be afraid I raised my hand and turned it over palm up. I didn’t feel a presence but I knew someone had touched me. The second I lifted my hand up as if in invitation they grabbed my hand and held it in a firm grip as if to never let go. The second they did this I knew again with an absolute certainty it was my grandmother. I opened my eyes and looked down at my hand gripped in the thin air and was flooded with memories of her. A woman that passed away when I was 19! Was standing there I couldn’t see her but I knew she too was always by my side.

With all the negative experiences I have had in my life I knew the moment I  really tried to awaken that part of myself had to be a good one. It was as if they were welcoming me to the other side in a way that made me realize the physic lady I went to a few weeks ago was right. As long as I think positive and breathe out the negative the experiences I would have would be positive. They were there to let me know as alone as I have felt in my darkest hours I have never truly been alone.

This has been the missing piece of myself that is bridging the gap between me and the darkness that lurks within me. It is the piece of myself that I have let lie dormant for so long that it is going to take time to coax it out. However, the taste of peace and love and joy I have had are all worth well, everything. I have begun meditating regularly and there has been other stuff happened which I will reveal later but just know we are all on the path to enlightenment we just have to want it more than the fear of the unknown that plagues us all…




I was driving back home from a doctor’s appointment this morning. I swung by McDonald’s for a cheap breakfast before heading home to shower and get ready for work. I was driving down a back road watching the light drizzle pitter patter on the windshield.  My windows rolled down,  as I have no air and even though it is raining it is still Summer. I felt a  moment of peace with the light breeze blowing through my hair, the overcast day making it just right to be outside, enjoying my drive when it hit me.

Suddenly a memory wafted through the car, just as the breeze had and a smile escaped me. I was once told that I would never be able to get behind the wheel of a car, due to my permanent disability. That was when I was 13 years old, a disability caused by repeated abuse from my mother. I was crushed heartbroken even, not to mention it is one of those things a 13-year-old isn’t even contemplating yet, and here I was being told to never even try to learn to drive. Yet, here I was this morning driving, one of my favorite things to do. Sometimes the weather is just right, the music lilting through the speaker is just right, and you just know this is as good as life can get.

This got me thinking of all the things I have been told I would never be able to do.  At one time in my life, I was pissed. Pissed that I had not even been able to make my mark on the world and here I was being told you can’t! For years this anger this, disability became my crutch. I found it was easier to give up than to try. However, this morning I was reminded that I have beat every odd set before me. Starting with my birth. I was reminded throughout all the things I was told I would never do by doctor’s, school counselors, my mother. That I have proven all of them wrong. Anything from being happily married, to holding a job, to something as simple as driving a car. I have beat all the odds stacked against me, and it makes me smile. No longer one of satisfaction in proving these people wrong, but a smile of gratification that I did not let them win.

In just over a month I will be 41, and while I started blogging just over 2 years ago, and a book on Amazon and Barnes and Noble, and another one just finished. I still have people in my life that don’t consider me a writer. Or think I do this for fun. Yes, it is true writing is fun for me but it is not a hobby. It is the thing that brings me peace. It is the thing that makes me smile in the wake of all the negativity because I know I have defeated all odds in the past and I will defeat the odds now. I spent years letting others were me down, I spent years thinking I am not good enough so why bother. I was reminded this morning that even with me letting all the naysayers win the battle, eventually I won the war with myself and proved them wrong. That is still true as I will win this war too and prove all of them wrong once again. Nothing can stop me now, but me!