INNOCENCE LOST

“I JUST FINISHED ONE NOVEL AND AM HOPING TO HAVE IT TO A PUBLISHER BY THE END OF THE YEAR. I TOOK A LITTLE BREAK AND NOW THIS IS ONE OF MANY OF MY NEXT NOVELS TO COME. I WELCOME ALL FEEDBACK AND ANY POINTERS ON WHO TO GO TO TO GET MY MEMOIR PUBLISHED THANK YOU AND ENJOY THE BEGINNINGS OF INNOCENCE LOST!”

It was a brisk October day when he walked into my life, in Church no less. There was never any excitement in my little town. It was one of those towns where everyone knew everyone. How annoying is it that? Every little thing you do is known throughout the whole town. Cotton fields as far as the eye could see on either end, our little town was just a pit stop on the way to the big city. No one ever came here that was important, and I am sure nobody ever remembered the town name as they drove on through to their next destination.

I was Seventeen and due to having a psychotic mother, was required to bring home no less than a B in school, so of course, I was a nobody. I was a 17-year-old semi-straight A student with barely any friends, and poor to boot. I always thought if I stayed invisible no one can hurt me, no one would expect anything from me, that way no one would depend on me. I liked it that way, I learned very early on that the only person I could count on was me and me alone, that friend and friendship were just a word.

You had to earn the right to be called a friend! No one I knew fit the bill, save for one person. I was probably the only virgin in town at this rate. As true to small town’s reputation’s over half if not all the girls in my class were either pregnant or about to be.

That day everything changed, I still recall the way his bomber jacket smelled of leather and Cool Water. I loved the way it felt against my cheek when he kissed me. Every time I smell leather now I am transformed back to that day. The day he walked into my life.

It was an overcast October day, in the south, it was about as cold as it was going to get. With my light sweater and my long pink and gray dress, I looked the picture of innocence. The stupid dress even had a big pink rose right in the front. Since puberty was taking its sweet time, I still had no breasts to speak of, so the giant pink rose not only screamed “Virgin” but looked ridiculous on my chest.

I went to a Pentecostal Church so there was always a lot going on inside that place. It was the only active building in a section of buildings that once upon a time had been a small strip mall. I still to this day, do not know what those building used to be. It was set about a hundred feet from the railroad tracks. I used to think we only had Church so loud to drown out the train that passed almost every time Church was in session.

The Choir was in full swing and my best friend, my only friend (who was at least 15 years my Senior) was singing in the Choir. The small Church had a Podium, a couple of Instruments, and a tambourine, which rounded out everything on the tiny stage. The rest of the room was filled with glaring white pews about 12 in all, they smelled of old wood and fresh paint. There was a tiny Alter shoved between the first set of pews and the Podium.

It was weird because Annie and I had met in Church just in the last few months. Yes, there was an age difference and she even had a child already, but we just clicked. She had recently married the Preacher’s eldest son and even though he was a few years younger than her they fit together perfectly.

I stayed at her place a lot on the weekends due to the crazy mom syndrome I was saddled with. Not only was she physically and emotionally abusive. She had everyone that met her thinking she was the sweetest, nicest, thing ever. Coming to a breaking point, I revealed some of the craziness that I went through at home to Annie. Not only did she give me a shoulder to cry on, but she believed me!  She saw through the mask my mother put on for everyone else. She was a friend when I needed one the most, and most deserving of the word, friend.

I was watching and listening to the song she was singing when suddenly I smelled the overpowering scent of leather. I turned in my seat and there, he, was! The man that would soon change me forever! The man that would awaken every desire and fantasy I have ever had since then. He sat in the back row on the other side of the room from me. Suddenly I had these odd sensations running through my body. Was this some kind of a joke, the hottest man I had ever seen (not counting on tv) was in my nothing town, in my nothing Church, sitting there for all the world like he belonged. You know that game they used to play on Sesame Street “One of these things doesn’t belong here”. Well, he definitely did not belong.

He was all leather and all male he was the perfect description of the proverbial bad boy. As I sat there concentrating only on my breathing I couldn’t help but sneak a peek at him behind my hand. With dark brown hair and even darker eyes, he was stunning! How could everyone here just keep on singing like there was nothing going on? As if a beautiful God hadn’t just come in and graced us with his presence. I felt flushed like I was on display like I was naked and exposed. I rubbed my now sweaty palms down my dress but that just smeared sweaty streaks down the front of it. This must be where the saying “hot and bothered” comes from because I was hot and defiantly bothered.

I couldn’t concentrate, I became light headed and more aware of my body than I think I had ever been in my entire life. I became paranoid as if his stare were boring into the back of my skull. I felt a twinge of guilt for having such dastardly emotions while sitting in the house of God. Yet,  the guilt quickly dissipated in the wake of such primal urges.  I couldn’t help it I was flushed and all I wanted to do was sink into the pew and disappear. I smiled at my friend as the song ended and clapped when everyone else clapped but my mind was now churning, lost to me, thinking only of the handsome stranger in the back row. I knew something was about to change for me. Hell, even my body could feel it.

 

This was it the moment that would change me forever, the moment of my sexual awakening and this was only the beginning…

THE LOST BOY

I can’t even begin to know what goes on in your mind. I can’t begin to know the machinations of your soul. I come to you with wisdom and love. Yet, you rebuff me at every turn. You say you don’t need or want my help but I know better! Little lost  boy!

“Little lost boy come here to me! Tell me your heart’s desire and if I can’t deliver, I guess the moon will have to do. I love you with the everything in me but you seem too lost in your own little world to notice.

Your indifference scares me and I wonder how long will it be before you actually need or want me again. You shrug off the love of others while heading, headlong into a world unknown. Who will love you then? Little lost boy!

My anger rises at the thought of your adamant resolve. Yet, you do nothing to prove it. Nothing, you have no results to show you are ready to take on the big bad wolf I call the world. How is it I feel so lost when you are clearly the one lost. Little boy!

Lost little boy!  Do you see the tears in my eyes? I know this day is knocking down my door! The day when you will fly away from this nest I have created for you. The nest that right now you seem to think is the worst place to be. Yet, I know it is the safest for you!

I can’t even think straight my worry is for your future and if you become broken… I just want to hold you like the babe you are and keep you safe. Yet, I know I must let you go. Even if you fall flat on your face it is all up to you. Lost little boy!

Lost little boy, my heart is broken. Shattered into a million pieces. I am unsure it will ever  mend at the thought of you being out there in the world without me. I pray to God for you to get it together so at least the worry that never goes away will lessen.

I wait with bated breath as I watch you become a man before my very eyes and I cringe at what has to come next. Just know I will forever be here for you and love you no matter what happens next. Lost little boy!