CHOICES

It is said that we are the choices we make. If that is true, how do we know when it is the right choice. We can wish to turn back the clock all we want, but the fact remains that we can’t. Once the choice has been made there is no going back, there is no turning back time there are only the choices we made and the consequences that follow. I have learned this over and over again throughout my life. None greater than the moment I chose to give my daughter up for adoption. It was the hardest choice I ever made and it has haunted me daily since that day.

Some of the choices we make, even know we know in the deepest part of ourselves it was the right choice can have a lasting effect, forever. It is like when you skip rocks on the water, the ripple effect goes on and on and on. I know in the deepest part of me that due to my circumstances and the never ending trials set before me that giving her up was the best thing for her, and yet it is a battle I would never win with myself. I have constantly questioned did I do the right thing? Did I make the right choice? For the past twenty -one years.  Even seeing how she has flourished and had every opportunity I still question my actions so long ago.

It became utterly clear to me,  that it was indeed the right choice when her father contacted me after all these years. This was my worst fears come to life, this man rejected her then, what could he possibly want with her now? Yet, another choice I would have to make regarding the welfare of my child. If he hurt her or rejected her again, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I was inconsolable for days, having dredged up so many past memories most of which I had forgotten about. Speaking to this man, this man that I had deemed the devil for so long was like a slap in the face, and yet, the more we spoke the more I realized. The choice I made, the one that had been haunting me for the past twenty-one years was, in fact, the right one.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t ready to have her, it wasn’t that I didn’t love her because I do. It was that I wanted to give her everything. The world, with all its endless possibilities. I couldn’t give her that, but the one thing I could do was give her to a loving family that could give her the world. The choices I made have come full circle since speaking to her father. The man that even now seems to have not learned anything from the past. The man that is still rejecting her today. I realized in the moment. That his choices may be eating him up and that is okay with me. But my choices I had to make the tough decision to give her what I new I couldn’t. If in fact, we are the choices we make, then I like to think I am the strong enough to let go when the touch choices come, and I am a loving mother that would and did do anything for their child even if that meant giving her to someone else to raise.

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