I was not POPULAR or ATHLETIC in high school. My only INTEREST was getting in getting the work done and getting the hell out of there. I was that kid and there was always one like me, that sat in the corner or the back of the class. Never speaking to anyone counting down the minutes in my day until it was over. My life was a never-ending mess. I don’t know why I was so anxious to leave school anyway. It was the only reprieve from my home life. Ah, my home life. Filled with terror on a daily basis I never knew from one moment to the next what I was getting into with my mother. I was often filled with despair and hopelessness something I have never fully recovered from.
As I left home and became and adult I swept most of my childhood and the blight that was high school under the rug so to speak. I was free of the past and so that is exactly where I intended to leave it once I got older and married the love of my life. I thought “finally, I have managed to keep my head above water long enough to survive my youth.” I was the one that always put on a brave face taking pride in the fact that the past didn’t break me. I am now 41 and the past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. I don’t know if it is all the emotions I have run through or if is just the feeling that I am free falling with no way of stopping how I land but I feel depressed.
I have never (that I will admit to) felt depressed or anything like this. I recently had the greatest birthday ever but even the joy of reuniting with all of my children quickly waned. Don’t get me wrong I would never hurt myself, but I feel lost. For the first time in my life, I feel a strange sensation as if the end of the world is upon me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and my body thinks it is much older than it is. I am falling apart from the inside out. Maybe the wear and tear on me physically, is what has got me down. I find no passion in anything. Not even my favorite thing to do which is write. I mean, yes, I am writing now but that is only to try and get this monkey off my back.
I am exhausted, all the time and I can’t even do my laundry without help anymore. No one understands what I go through with my new job where I walk all day long or gets that I am terrified of my constant back pain and what it may mean for me in the near future. However, as long as I am able I will write, it may not be all the time but I will continue to do so long after it pains me to do so, because while I was never the popular or athletic kid in school I was always a writer. Do what makes you happy, even if it breaks your heart to do so.