As I sit here in the waning twilight in my favorite spot in the yard. I feel empty, void even. I have just come back from my 3rd Sunday night open mike poetry night and I feel nothing which is disconcerting because I usually feel a sense of peace and the words seem to flow like lava after leaving there but tonight, tonight I feel nothing. Oh, wait no I do, I feel exhausted! I am so tired, of caring about well, everything. I am listening to Kaleo’s Way Down We Go and I don’t know if it is the music or the events of this week but I am so flipping tired.
I am tired of no one taking me seriously, I am tired of being the butt of everyone’s jokes, I am tired of being that person. You know the one, that person that for some reason all their life is never actually seen for who and what they are. I have realized after this week that I again, am someone that is expendable to those I cherish most. After nineteen years of being with my husband, the reality is it doesn’t matter to his family.
I am the wife that cleaved to her husband that put all others aside and threw myself into this family. Mostly because my family is crap. I thought hey, I can make them my family and so I have. Every now and then I am reminded that I am still the outsider, and it hurts, but at the same time, I am angry. Angry that my past came back with a vengeance, angry that the people I have come to know and love as a family have yet again shredded my heart without a thought as to my feelings.
It came to me yesterday when I received a half ass apology from one of these family members about things that were said and to keep the peace I just let it go, again! It also came to me that no one really knows me. Why is that? I have spent years trying to outrun the demons of a past that continue to circle the wagons like buzzards, and yet no matter what I do what I say. Other people have formed and opinion of me that tastes like acid on my tongue. No one ever says, “OMG! I am so sorry this happened to you” or ” How do you feel!” All I hear is “get over it” or the more biblical terms “turn the other cheek”. I have turned the other cheek so long I am running out of cheeks, here. Is it that I have been hurt and put down for so long that I am just used to letting things go or is there something wrong with me.
I internalize all the painful words and the hateful comments so much it is eating away at me. Then one day it is just KABOOM! Shrapnel everywhere! I am forty, forty and today I feel like that scared little girl I used to be huddling in the darkened corner of her room praying no one finds me. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to say For Fuck’s sake just SEE ME! See the person I am not the one you think I am. Why can’t they see me for, me? It is exhausting being the complacent one.
Earlier this week I got to say the things I needed to say to a certain someone that has been building up in me for over twenty-one years. A lifetime, and even though it brought me temporary peace it brought all the painful reminders with it. Instead of a shoulder to cry on I also got horrible things said to my face from people that claim they love me, people that claim to be my family. I act tough most of the time, and yes, I am built of pretty sturdy stuff but I ask you when do the hits stop coming? When is it my time to scream, cry, and shout?
On the few occasions, I have lost it. I was told I needed medication. Really? Is it too much to ask for a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to. Anyone? As I sit here now in the near dark, there is nothing I am sad in my soul and I can’t even shed a tear for the loss I feel. The loss of trust, the loss of a family I thought I had. It is enough to make my heart hurt. Why do I continuously surround myself with such selfishness, so absorbed in their own stuff they can’t even see I am falling apart inside? I am tired of placating everyone else. I am tired of pretending everything is fine when it is not. I am tired of constantly making others feel better about their wrong doings all the while I am dying inside. I am tired of being alone and adrift on my island of nothingness. Floating toward an abyss I can never reach the end of. I am just tired. Anyone have any suggestions?