As most of you know I am writing a book about one of the most difficult times in my life. It began as a blog but as time wore on I felt there was a need for this story for others out there like me. It is called MEMOIRS OF A BIRTH MOTHER! It is chock full of drama, abuse, and even a near rape on one occasion. I was nearing the end of this book when today Mother’s Day of all days I got “goosed” as they call it. A blast from the past found me on facebook and tilted my lovely, wonderful, MOTHER’S DAY on its axis. So apparently the saga that is my life is not over. That final chapter has not yet, been written as I thought it was. The drama of a past I left in the dust nearly twenty -one years ago surfaced like a bloated body floating to the top of the water. It broke through the carefully constructed web of lies I tell myself in the dark that the past is the past, there is no more looking back.
Yet, today, today of all days he found me. My daughter’s dad after two decades of not speaking he had the nerve to hit me up on facebook and then friend request me as if nothing had ever happened. What? This man that tried to beat my daughter out of me when I was pregnant with her, the man that told me once, that once I get rid of “my problem” (meaning our child) that we could get back to normal! WTF? The man that slept through the adoption process and even rejected the whole idea that she was even his when there was no denying it. The man that made my life a living hell for the whole of my pregnancy, this man, this is the man that found me on facebook today.
He actually sent me an apologetic message on facebook about when I finally got another book posted on Amazon “Congrats Angela I remember you lived writing. Oh I’m sorry for everything. I was soo wrong and sooo immature back then.” Really? I first want to say immature is not the word I would have used to describe him he was at least five years older than me at twenty-five. I like the word sadistic, or how about brutal, or abusive to women and then blamed them for his behavior. Why is it always our fault because they can’t control themselves, men like this are no better than animals. Oh, how about psychotic, cruel, child abandoner. Those are all words to describe this man, this coward, as he is not even himself on facebook his alias is a very famous dead author and I bet he is rolling over in his grave right now having to be attached to such a man. Is man really the word here? I don’t think so!
A real man is one who provides for his family, doesn’t do drugs, and loves with all of him, a real man would rather walk through fire before his woman or child were hurt in any way. Yet, this man did none of those things, he brought the pain and suffering and yet, tonight he messages me as if we are long-lost pals. Does he not remember all the pain he caused both physical and mental? And then he had the nerve to say, “you probably don’t remember me but…” I ask you? How the fuck can I not remember you? The person that became my world, my everything, what I thought was the love of my life only to rip it all away from me the second he got the chance to. Do you really think enough time has passed that all would be forgiven? That the pain, and suffering and sheer trauma you caused would just magically disappear if enough time has passed? Think again!
I understand, that it has been twenty-one years, and people can change, hell I’ve changed, but monsters don’t! People that are unhappy with themselves and so misery really does love company, it has been my experience that they simply can’t change who and what they’ve become, or what they always were. Yet, for my daughter’s sake, if there is a slim chance that he has changed and I am talking slim here considering the messages he sent me on facebook then I am glad, but if he is still the same narcissistic, psychotic, volatile person that I knew him to be then I say watch out! Because even if he didn’t change I HAVE! He is no longer dealing with a naive, fragile little girl anymore, he is dealing with a full grown mother with a grudge. A grudge I didn’t think still existed until today. I spent years after our relationship imploded, dreaming of ways to actually kill this man. I was so scared that I might actually try and track him down and commit such a heinous crime that I went to a therapist to work through my hatred of him. I thought it worked too, instead of an all out murder, it dulled down to a simple beating. A tit for tat so to speak, until today that is!
Today, the minute he sent me a picture of himself and began messaging me about my birthday and all these things he still knew about me I saw red. I got to give it to him, he’s got balls, BIG ONES! To even attempt to contact me. How dare he think he can just waltz into my life as if nothing ever happened when all the while that old sleeping sadistic part of me began to emerge and smile that she still had a chance to kill him herself. How dare he try to connect with me when all I can think of when I saw his sorry face, is my daughter, and how horribly he rejected her. Nevermind me, the shit he put me through was a cakewalk compared to the fact that he simply didn’t want anything to do with his own child.
Maybe, he is trying to make amends, maybe he has changed but as for me. Never gonna happen that ship has sailed! The only person he needs to make amends to is his daughter, whom he doesn’t even know. She is brilliant, and bright and beautiful, and smarter than the two of us put together at her age. She is actively looking for him and I am praying she is not the one that told him how to find me, because she and I have a deal about that, but as curiosity killed the cat, so is it killing me. How did he find me? I am married now and have been for many years, and yet he found me as my married name on facebook. He should have never been able to find me, on top of that there are about a thousand women on facebook with my first and last name. Did he hire someone? Is he stalking me? Why is he doing this now after so long? The questions just keep piling up and I am terrified to ask because I really don’t like the person I am when it comes to this man. I don’t like the murderous intentions I have toward him. That was a different me in a different lifetime.
On the other hand, as I have said before the past will sneak up on you when you least expect it. I could finally lay to rest ( no pun intended) the past and maybe get some closure out of the one part of my past that hasn’t truly ever been dealt with. I have been torn between actually responding to this person, not in a good way as I have lots to say to him, but then there is another part of me that says,”you are grown now, ignore him.” I didn’t know what to do. Then I thought, I will just write about it as that is the one thing nowadays that soothes me, and it has worked. Although I still feel a simmering rage deep down I feel calmer so thank you blog family for listening. If you have any ideas on how to broach this subject with my daughter let me know. After all, she does deserve to know him and where she came from even if he is still the monster I knew him to be. Right?
P.S How does that saying go? Something to the effect of “I AM A WRITER. ANYTHING YOU DO OR SAY CAN BE USED IN A STORY” Well my story that is. How you like me now, friend?
P.S.S To the man that caused me so much pain, and grieve in the past. I know you are reading this, you wouldn’t be you if you weren’t. You are nothing to me, just as you became nothing more than a “sperm donor” nearly twenty-one years ago to your child, your only daughter back then. Who knows how many you have now. You were once my weakness but now you are my strength. You are the person that taught me that I should never settle. You taught me how to not fall for pretty lies and broken promises. You taught me love doesn’t come with a fist to the face. You taught me how to love myself first! So thank you, for showing me what a true wolf in sheep’s clothing looks like so I knew to never fall for your kind again!