I had an epiphany last night! It came to me slowly and all at once if that makes any sense at all. My epiphany was this:
My worst trait I see in myself is that I like to start things but never finish them. I become obsessed with new projects to the point that I get lost in them, I dream about them when I am sleeping, I obsess over them when I am awake. They tend to control my existence until the boredom inevitably kicks in. I immerse myself in the project so thoroughly that I all but drown in it. Then I get bored and move on to the next project and the obsession begins all over again.
I hate this part of myself and I thought for a long while that it was just an inherited idiosyncrasy I got from my father. Yet, the epiphany struck me last night when one of the demons from my past reared its ugly head and took a bite out of my ass, hard! I found myself crying and finally breaking down to my husband about this particular demon that has been riding my coattails for years. It was always like the constant buzzing of a bee in my ears. I knew it was there but there was always a bigger badder demon constantly clobbering me. I think writing about the worst of my demons over the past two years have finally healed my broken soul enough that I was blindsided when the other one just showed up and decided it was his turn to torture me.
No one really knows about this secondary demon except for a few people that are close to me. I was so angry and bitter over the first one this one just kind of slipped to the back burner and bided his time. I never talk about it and I don’t know what has triggered the recent clobbering and last night he whipped my ass! I was so caught off guard that I went numb from it. I felt more broken than I have in years. It got me wondering for about the zillionth time in my life. Will I ever be free of my demons?
Then it hit me a slow burn at first then as if a light bulb was suddenly switched on. It hit me! My obsessive constant need to start a project, and just keep moving isn’t some inherited trait. It is my way of staying sane through all of it. If I just keep moving and obsessing about something new I don’t have the time or the room to let my demons in. I am always busy with one project or another and even though I hate this part of me. I realized it is a behavior I adopted long ago. Just as a child needs a nightlight to keep the monsters at bay I need something to do to keep my demons away. Maybe now that I have come to this realization I can now relax and try to focus on one thing at a time and not get so bogged down with semantics.
I do thank you all for letting me share this epiphany with you. I know I can always count on my blog family to listen even when no one else will. It means the world to me. Until next time.