The first thing I did of the many, many idiotic things I did over the course of the next several months to try to forget about the fact that I had just given my child up for adoption. Was joining the Air force.

I only partially blame the recruiter as I never should have joined being so jacked up after the stuff I had recently been through. It was only of those instances that I thought if I ran far enough and fast enough I could possibly outrun my past. I ran so far and so fast I wound up running straight into the Air force and joined up. It was amazingly awful. The recruiter made it sound like it was the answer to my prayers, like a vacation in paradise. Now I knew even then I wasn’t that gullible to think there wouldn’t be some work involved. After all, it is the military for crying out loud. However, I was not mentally prepared for the psychological warfare.

The irony of it all is, that I was told early on that they break you down and then build you up into a fighting machine, and yet, I was already broken down. What then? There is nowhere to go but down even further!  I joined the Air Force to fight the good fight and win the war and yet I was not ready for the war they would play with your psyche! As my mind was already on the cusp of shattering there was no way it could handle everything boot camp threw at me.

It was dark and raining the night I landed at the Airport (first airplane ride ever) There was a group of us that were met by personnel that would shove as many of us as they could into a bus and get us to the base. Once there I stepped off the bus and into the driving rain. It was as if we were in some kind of movie and they were sneaking us onto the base in the dead of night. (I know I’ve seen this movie before it does not end well for the peons.) I stepped off the bus and a chill washed over me as we were immediately yelled at to get in line. I instantly regretted my choice to join. We were told that this was no camp. This was the US Air Force and between the darkness and the screaming the second I stepped off that bus I knew the next six weeks were going to be very scary.

Here we were a bus full of hopefuls all trying to better our situations. All being told the same lies about how great it was, how we would have so much opportunities. I’m sure if you make it out of basic there are great opportunities. If you make it out of the land mine that is basic training, alive! Or at least not be traumatized, however the moment I stepped off that bus in the rain around midnight the bitter cold seeping into my bones I knew that shipped had sailed. It was terrifying for someone that hadn’t really dealt with their issues. It will bring all that trauma to the surface and you will be nothing but a puddle of weeping sadness, and the military is no place to show weakness.They will play on it and break you.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s