I dreamed that dream again last night! It always begins the same and yet, each time it’s different. Is it, in fact, the same dream? It smells, tastes, and feels like the same dream. Just when I think the past is forgotten this dream creeps in reminding me it’s not. I know by now having dreamt this particular dream once every two to three years for the past twenty-plus years it is in fact, the same dream. The same feelings of hurt and regret fill me to the brim and every time it begins with me standing at that damned door above the bar we used to frequent. It fills me with a mixture of anticipation and dread.
The head scratcher is, I can’t remember a time in reality that we ever went to this place. I don’t know if it is a place I have actually been to or is it something my dream filled mind has made up? Either way, it is where this familiar dream ALWAYS begins. I haven’t seen this man in over twenty years he could be dead for all I know and yet, it always puzzles me that I know with a certain certainty that he lives just on the other side of that door.
I have dreamed this dream so many times that I immediately know it is the beginning of the same damned dream and I think to myself “here we go again!” As I climb those worn haggard steps preparing to knock on that ugly red door above the now condemned bar. It amazes me the complete decaying of those stairs with the white paint peeling off of them and the crimson door in the same disarray.The suspense of seeing what awaits me on the other side of that door terrifies me.
However, I am not the same person I was over twenty years ago and so the fear is overridden by the sense that no matter how afraid I am to go there, I must face it. I face it with a bravery that even now shocks me. I am stronger than the last time we met. It is a bitter pill I must swallow but my curious nature gets the best of me. By the time the emotions ripping through me subside I want, no need to know what is on the other side of that door. Did I mention this is only about the first five seconds of my dream?
I don’t even knock which is weird but I feel a sense of entitlement with our rocky history that encourages me to just open the door, and usually there he is as if he had been waiting for me the whole time. Looking exactly the same as he did the day I threatened to call the cops if he didn’t vacate my life a lifetime ago. Most of the time I am chasing him through the streets of Boston trying to kill him as a sense of satisfaction that he has gone nowhere in life makes me giggle. He is alone and the same bitter man he was so long ago.
His tiny one bedroom apartment looking like a slop house from a real world episode I am pleased that his life has not gone anywhere and he seems to be miserable. I always find the courage in this dream to say the things I never said, be the bigger person Hah! I finally after twenty years get to say and do exactly what I want in regards to this man, this creature, my demon! I am a literary genius in this dream I spout words I can’t even pronounce in my waking hours and some of them I have had to look up just to find out what they mean! All terrible! Is it bad that after I wake I am overwhelmed with a sense of elation and satisfaction?
Yet, this dream was different after the door was opened instead of seeing the bane of my existence I see an old friend lying on the couch sleeping among the filth. she rises and immediately recognizes me. She whispers my name and has a look on her face as if she was just caught with her hand in my cookie jar. She tells me that they are a couple and have been so for some time and as he quietly emerges from the bedroom, of course, still looking as he did all those years ago I am filled with confusion and shock.
Again, I blame the dream as these two have never met in real life, in fact, they live in completely different states and I met them in completely different times in my life. Yet here they are together in my dream the bane of my existence and my once BFF turned bitch! Looking as happy as any two people have the right to be. I reserve my emotions and show nothing but indifference at this new information and as the dream changes I get a glimpse into the life they now share together.
I see her teaching yoga in a studio while he does the books and brings out tea for everyone. WHAT THE HELL! They are happy and smiling and beckoning me to join them in their little world. That is when the emotional dam I had kept in check releases and a white hot rage pours through me. How dare they be happy! How dare he go on and find a life and a woman that changed him! Changed the monster I couldn’t tame. As if the torture he put me through, the abuse, the neglect, the rejection of our child doesn’t matter! And her with her smiling bouncing attitude try to befriend me again when she almost destroyed the life I had built for myself after the fallout from that horrible relationship with him just a few short years before, knowing full well what I had been through! She still had the audacity to call me friend!
Before the homicidal tendencies that usually come up surface a fog rolls in and the dream begins to lift. I awake with a blinding anger that hopefully will not carry me through the day. I am still shaking my head over how happy they were! I don’t think anyone that has cut you to the bone should ever find happiness, they should be alone and miserable a punishment of sorts for what they’ve done. Maybe that is just the bitter pill talking from having gone through that damned door once again.Why should these two find such contentment all but forgetting what they’ve done to me! I guess happiness does find a way! I know I did!
Yet, I recognize that I must finally be letting go of those past pains because I didn’t immediately try to kill either of them. Maybe that is why I have been dreaming a different version of the same dream for so long. My subconscious has been trying to free me of these particular demons through my dreams. Sometimes I hate my dreams. I dream in color. Loud obnoxious colors. Vast arrays of color that can cut you with a knife or simply nick you and watch you bleed. The emotions I feel, I feel all of them even after waking! Maybe it is just a dream filled reminder that no matter how the past got me here I am now happy with the life I live. Maybe now I can finally lay this dream to rest. Thanks for letting me purge it…