Sometimes having easy twenty -four-hour access to online activity is depressing. I see the posts on facebook of happy families and I cringe. Or I assume they are lying because no one family is that happy right?
Most days the constant barrage of happy validation doesn’t affect me. But then BAM! The demons I thought were finally laid to rest raise their ugly heads to the surface and I am just a vulnerable little girl crying for someone, anyone to comfort me. I see posts of if you love your mother repost and if you have the world’s greatest daughter share. Normally I see these posts and I am no longer fazed by the fact that I have no relationship with my mother.
Yes, she is still alive and people tell me all the time that I should “mend fences” before it is too late. They just don’t get that I have given everything and at one point in my life my sanity to try and bridge the gap between me and my mother. However, it is very much like beating my head against a brick wall. She has no idea or at least pretends really well that there is even an issue.
How can you “mend fences” with someone that doesn’t see they are broken, to begin with? The answer, you can’t! I loved my mother at one time with even with all the beatings and put downs I tried my damnedest to be everything she wanted in a daughter. Still not good enough, it only got worse as I left home and after hearing other family members tell me of the lies she told on me I was still astonished at the lengths she went to, to keep us from getting close.
I haven’t spoken to her in almost two years now and there seems to be no sign of that changing as I made the very difficult decision to cut her from my life for my and my kids mental health. Yet, I still feel the effects of not having her in my life. The poison that she was , was it really better having it in my life than not at all?
I may be feeling down tonight and that may be why I am missing her and maybe I am wrong for not constantly trying to have her in my life. But I do know I am surrounded by love now and am grateful I married into a wonderful family.
Even if they still don’t get that being forsaken by your own mother echoes throughout eternity and will forever change you.