THE MIDNIGHT FARTER

As you know I have been so busy writing about the horribleness of my past. I have neglected to talk about my present and all the wonders that married life has brought me in the past fifteen years.

I now realize there are so many stories other than the past before my husband. I could probably write an entire book on our life together. The past year and a half of writing about the horrors of my youth have really given way to the good things in my life.

As my previous blog suggested I will be writing about what happens after the “happily ever after” in the stories. I have yet to decide how many a week but I will be writing about the real life of what comes next. Some may be fiction some may be based on my life and my marriage.

What better way to start this weekly blog than with my own martial story. It will be the first of many I am sure of it and what better way to begin my first weekly blog than with the one thing you never read about or see on tv whether it is by way of a movie or a tv show. Drum roll, please…. It is passing gas!

Yes, people make jokes about this on sitcoms, but you never really hear about the underbelly of this beast. The sheer horror of… “The Midnight Farter!” Now we all know in the beginning of any relationship it is all love and beauty. Until, that first fart slips, you are in a cocoon of perfection you think will never be ruined. Then late one night while tossing and turning in your bed not able to sleep due to the newness of it all. You are suddenly engulfed with the smell of death!

Suddenly, you are in the throes of what can only be described as the fart from hell. Your eyes begin to water and you begin to choke as if instead of one little fart someone is trying to kill you with mustard gas. You are now gasping for air and you just know you will die by fart stench suffocation.

You run from the room with tears streaming down your face and to your dismay the smell has followed you. You now think to yourself. Has this odor singed my nose hairs off? Will this be the only thing I ever smell again? What’s worse is that there was no warning shot that it was coming. It was just a “silent killer”. A cloud of darkness now smothering you for an eternity. This loaded bomb he dropped on you. The bloom is definitely off that particular rose.

Once your sense of smell finally returns you realize. I am in love with someone that could speak to me of love and forever and at the same time produce such foul smelling gas that almost causes you to vomit!

You are in utter turmoil over this matter and as you lie there not being able to go back to sleep the alarm begins to sound. As your beloved wakes up and looks over at you with such love in his eyes you almost forget the utter foulness he produced in the middle of the night.

Yet, nothing can make you forget the moment you realize he is just a man. He is only human after all! Not the GOD sent to you from on high! That is the unforgettable moment! The moment you let your guard down and the real beauty of life together begins. The moment you stop pretending you are in some wonderous fantasy and reality sets in.

I will never forget the moment my relationship became real. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I would much rather live in the real world with my real relationship than a fantasy any day.

The way our lips come together and touch softly, the way he brushes his fingers through my hair, the way he looks at me as if I am the  most beautiful woman he has ever seen after all these years. All the bad times just make me appreciate these moments all the more and to think I owe it all to that first fart and the “MIDNIGHT FARTER!”

 

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