I feel fifty shades of color right now, anywhere from the whitest of whites to the deepest of black. Old demons roared their ugly heads and now I am pissed. I felt an emotion today I am not used to. I felt an emotion toward my mother that wasn’t the usual feelings and it chaps my ass. Another person that I wished were not in my life I just can’t tell off either. WTF! I am at a loss as to why I feel these tender feelings but it makes me very angry. Angry at myself. Why? Why do I get to feel the feelings I feel and  these people feel nothing! I pose this question to you all… Why is it that I can’t express myself to the ones that have hurt me most in my life?

I should feel nothing. I want to feel nothing yet, the mere thought of my mother hurt or (GOD forbid dying) I felt sadness love even. Why? Now I sit here contemplating my feelings and it pisses me off that I even feel this way. Why is it that I may have walked away from any relationship from these people but it didn’t turn off my emotions? It is enough to drive me mad. I want to hate with all of me. I want to scream through the blinding pain I feel over the injustice of it all. I can guarantee they are not losing any sleep over me.

The fifty shades of color wash over me and I feel the crimson waves of rage that threaten to swallow me up completely and all the ranges of red mingle together from the soft pink to the magnificent magenta to the deepest  blood red that now stain my heart. I see the blackest of blacks attempt to creep into my soul. Yet, it doesn’t but oh how I want it to. I want to feel the nothing that the blackness promises, the darkness it provides. The bright white light of my soul, however, rebuffs it once more.

I know in time this too shall pass. I will heal from this old demon that keeps ripping open that old wound that never seems to heal and I will once again feel the cool blue waves of forgiveness wash over me. I realized today that  I may forgive but my heart my soul can never wash away the stains encumbered upon them so long ago. I realized today that just because I was raised by a green-eyed monster doesn’t mean I have to become one too.

I will always carry my fifty shades of color, after all,I am only human…


<a href=””>Fifty</a&gt;




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