FEAR AND LOATHING

I just read  another blogger’s post yesterday and I felt… Even now I don’t know the word

I feel as if I have found my voice for the most part and yet, I still struggle. I had a moment of clarity while reading her beautiful words and it wasn’t that I’m not true to who and what I am. It is that I am still petrified of what comes next!

I am less than a month away from forty! I only started writing a little over a year ago by way of blogging. I have been so gung ho to get everything going I even self-published a book on BARNES AND NOBLE as an ebook in January. Just to get my feet wet in all aspects of the writing world since I am such a newbie at it.

You see if you have read any of my many blogs on this very subject. My only dream in all my almost forty years is to simply be a writer! It is the one thing in my world that has ever made sense!

A lifetime of being beaten down and being told I would never amount to anything sent me on a downward spiral that I thought I would ever overcome. A lifetime, of being told you’ll never make it kept me from doing the one thing, the only thing that makes sense to me in my world!

A world of chaos and heartache, writing has been the one constant in my life! Not a day goes by that I don’t regret letting others tear me down so that I didn’t pursue it earlier in life. Even though my life has led many ups and downs I persevered, I conquered my demons yet, there have never been any regrets! Without the choices, I have made and the hard knocks of life I would not be the person I am today.

I may have never recovered from all the past and been in a place now where I can write. It’s funny after a lifetime of being told “never gonna happen” and all the running I did to get away from the one thing I know would make me happy. I am now, here exactly where I am supposed to be… writing!

Not just writing to  be writing! I am writing with the passion I have always known was in  there hiding in me. I have learned so much about myself in the last year and it is… breathtaking!

I am free for the first time in my life. I even began to cry tears of joy at the sheer peacefulness writing that this past year has brought me. No one, not even my husband understands the lightness I feel in my very soul now. Yet, yesterday! One slumbering demon from the past arose upon reading that blog. I could almost see him smile his Cheshire smile while the acid saliva dripped from the edges of his mouth and those eyes! Those beady red eyes boring into my soul laughing his maniacal all to familiar laugh. Just as his hypnotic gaze was about to drown me in a river of loathing and self-pity. Realization hit!

I realized in this moment it wasn’t that past demon holding me down completely! I am terrified of the next step in my writing process. Which is to get it to a publisher! I realized I am so scared I will hear those haunting words again. Instead of finishing a book and at least attempting to get it out there I start a new one! Which is why I have at least six books started! It is like I have OCD of writing or something!

I have become obsessed with beginning new books! However, after that post yesterday I now know its avoidance! If I never send my stuff out I will never get rejected and my heart will never be broken!

If this past year has taught me anything it’s that I am strong! I am a survivor! I am not that girl, the one too scared of rejection to not go for what she wants! Not when I am so close, I can smell it!

Procrastination is a bitch and sometimes you don’t even realize you are doing it until a blog post falls into your lap and shakes you!

So, thank you new blogger friend! In this great blogging community, that is WORDPRESS! If it weren’t for your post who knows how long I would have put off what comes next…

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