“You are such a disappointment” mother said as I sat cringing in my seat. Waiting for the inevitable beating that was sure to come. The only thing getting me through yet another moment with my mother was the thought that I would soon be 18! I could then run, run as far and as fast as my two legs will carry me away from her.

This abuse has been a part of my daily life for as long as I can remember and even though I am cringing right now. I feel a part of me is now giddy at the prospect of a future without her in it. I don’t care where I go, what I do. I am getting the hell out of here one way or another. If I have to live on the streets… So be it. At least I will finally be free of her.

17 years of hearing I would never amount to anything! Never be pretty enough! Never be smart enough! Never be good enough for anyone to love! And then there were the beatings! With the metal end of flyswatter handles! Belts and their buckles! Wooden boards! Anything she could get her hands on really! Even throwing a pair of scissors at me which of course stabbed me in the arm! I have had just about enough…

As I sit here writing about the horrors of my past! I know that I am now truly free of them! I no longer shed a tear for that lost little girl that did run as far and as fast away from the past and headlong into a future unknown. I realize now that while some of the choices I made, the price I paid for my freedom was a long tumultuous journey. All leading up to the person I have now become. Those memories are as if they happened to someone else, not me and in a way I guess they did. I am so not the person I once was. Afraid of everything even her own shadow.

I have come a long way since then and am in a good place not only physical but emotional as well. I no longer grieve for a relationship with my mother. I have gone an opposite direction. We no longer speak. She can’t own up to the things she has done and I can no longer stand idly by and try to have a relationship with someone that can’t even speak to the truth of what they have done. I had to stop speaking to her for my own peace of mind and sanity. She still to this day claims she never beat me and as you know I can’t stand liars. She never beat me, tell that to my scars and damaged brain!

I know this is a little heavy for a Saturday morning and I apologize but you can’t help what comes out of you in the form of writing. Sometimes it is a nice fairy tale filled with light fluffy things. Sometimes it is dark and twisted. Like today!

I know now, that while she said I was the disappointment! She, in fact, was the disappointment! She was never the kind of mother a good kid like me deserved. Someone who paid attention while her daughter was getting sexually harassed by what she deemed as family! She should have been a shoulder to cry on when times were tough! She should have been there to see her daughter get married! She should have  been the one at her side when she gave birth for the first time holding her hand instead of some stranger that also delivered said baby.

All these things I  have missed out on as a mother-daughter team no longer affect me! I have been down that particular rabbit hole many times. Only to finally come out the other side, finally free. Of the roots and weeds, that tried to keep me there.

I am now only down to one thing! I love my life and I don’t need her now! Yes, it would have been nice to have her around but thems the brakes! I no longer have room in my heart for the sadness she had bestowed upon me time and time again! I just want to say “Mother if you are reading this YOU ARE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT!”…

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/disappointment/”>Disappointment</a&gt;

1 thought on “DISAPPOINTMENT

  1. Pingback: NaPoWriMo – Day 23 – “The Shadow Of Our Dreams” by David Ellis | toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

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