Contrast is the state of being strikingly different from something else. I feel like I am in great contrast to others around me sometimes. The way I think, the way I approach something going on in my life, the way I handle difficult situations. I am supposed to be the broken one. Yet when it comes to certain things in my life I am the one making the hard choices.

For example, I have been estranged from most of my mother’s side of the family for years. Mostly because of her but the last few years I have gotten in contact with some of them and it made me feel good to know where they are and that they are in my life.

However, some of the things I have seen and heard conflict with my need for family. I have been without them for so long either I have gotten used to being alone or I really don’t know if I want people in my life who could in the end potentially hurt me.

I feel like the black sheep of the family but when I hear some of the stories I have heard I cringe and think maybe there is a reason I keep myself as the black sheep! Sometimes it seems my values and morals greatly contrast theirs. I feel like the outsider looking in at this huge family that really doesn’t want me there.

I know somewhere in there they all love me but how can they really when they don’t even know me. They may think they do but if you don’t take the time to get to know someone how can you possibly know them? They will never know the horrors and the pain I lived through at the hands of their sister, their cousin, their daughter and it seems to me that when you broach the subject the conversation either ends in denial or more stories I cannot bare to listen to.

I feel as if once that can of worms is open there is no turning back and I cannot afford to subject my kids to this kind of love. Yet at the same time I hear
“but their family” ringing through my head. My feelings are torn and I feel I will be in conflict with myself forever.

I feel I will be in contrast to my family forever…

<a href=””>Contrast</a&gt;


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