Baby Blues

Today I will be writing 2 blogs!!! I couldn’t decide on just one. The first one is called Baby Blues so here goes…..                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 What’s the biggest chance you ever took? Did it work out?                                                                                                                                                                                                       Picture this I was nineteen years old, hundreds miles away from home or anyone I knew and PREGNANT!!! Yikes!!!!!!! Now I know this sounds horrible, but in order for me to become the person I became, I had to go through what would soon be the most difficult and life changing experience I would ever go through. As I said I was nineteen and pregnant living with friends I had met on a Greyhound bus. (That’s so a story for another time)! I was in a very abusive (emotional and physical) relationship. It was so volatile the cops were called on a regular basis. Here I was pregnant, in a strange place with what my nineteen year old brain considered the ‘Love of my Life’ (boy was I wrong) no job and no way to support my child. I made the unthinkable decision to put her up for adoption. There was never another option (meaning abortion). Since it was an open adoption I got to pick the family and set some rules. Other than the heart wrenching pain I felt daily for what I was about to give up, it wasn’t bad. I met this one family and I knew the moment we met my daughter would be safe with them.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         I wound up having blood pressure problems and the doctors decided to induce labor. Her father which at this point I knew had been a gigantic mistake decided to go get drunk once he found out they were going to keep me and I was going to be in labor soon. What a tool!  So after giving birth in a strange city, with not one person there to hold my hand. I had the most beautiful black haired baby girl anyone has ever seen. I will never forget that day it was like yesterday. The nurse brought her to me after all the initial clean up several hours later, right around the time her dad decided to show up hung over, I was overjoyed.                                                                                                                                                                  She brought me this tiny little human being. As I sat there in the hospital bed rocking my baby girl in my arms I started to cry. First off how is it you could possibly love something so instantly and insanely. It was crazy how much I loved her and still do. Secondly the main reason I was crying the moment of clarity that changed me forever was one thought “I WILL NEVER BE MY MOTHER”. You would have to understand the relationship I had with my mother to get what a big revelation that was but trust me when I say there isn’t enough time in the day to tackle that one.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            After leaving the hospital without my daughter I went to the Lawyer’s and finished all the paperwork for the adoption. As I stepped back through the front door to my home I had a moment of clarity it was as if the pregnancy brain cloud had lifted and I realized this was the hardest moment of my life and where was the only other person that had a connection to that moment. Sleeping off the night before. I had just had the worst and hardest day of my life and he was asleep! WTF! Suddenly I was angry, angry at him for not caring enough to help provide for her so I wouldn’t have to go through this at least  not alone, angry at the world. I had to give up the one thing I loved most in the world and it was enough to make me wake up and clean house!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Due to this being an open adoption I received pictures every three months. It was a bittersweet moment every time I got a letter. I was happy to see her so loved but sad I missed it.  Today she is nineteen the same age I was when I had her, we are in contact she is the version of me had it not been for my horrendous childhood I assume I would have been. She is beautiful, smart and is going for what she wants letting nothing or no one stand in her way. She is in the Army and I could not be prouder of her. She was given opportunities I could have never provided her. I have gotten so much flack for giving her up over the years people would say things like “you made your bed now you should have lay in it” or I wasn’t a very good parent because I took the easy road. Let me tell you something there is nothing easy about carrying someone in your body for nine months and then handing them over to someone else to raise. I think the opposite about the not being a good parent part because in my mind. Knowing I could not care for her and making that unselfish decision is the definition of being a good parent. I am still sad sometimes that I missed out on so much, but me taking that chance and putting her with a family that could give her every opportunity paid off. She has flourished and I don’t regret it for a moment. Her happiness was worth all my pain and suffering. Isn’t that what real parents live for?                                                                                                                                                                   <a href=””>Take a Chance on Me</a>


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